Love
Maintaining a Loving Heart: Part 2
“If the theory is correct that the essence of our humanity is agape love in our minds, hearts, and actions, then we need to take seriously this caution: If love remains outside of us for a very long time, this can do damage to our emotions and to our relationships with many different people in our lives. In a sense, the connections which we formerly had with good people can become broken. We in a sense become disconnected from a variety of other people. We see this over and over in the published literature. The book, Helping Clients Forgive, presents scientific and clinical evidence of damaged emotions and relationships when love is withdrawn from people.” Excerpt from the book, The Forgiving Life, Chapter 1.
Maintaining a Loving Heart: Part 1 of 3
“As we continually live with love withdrawn from us and a resulting resentment (with the short-term consequences of thinking with a negative pattern, thinking specific condemning thoughts, and acting poorly), we can settle into a kind of long-term distortion of who the love-withdrawing person is, who we ourselves are, and who people are in general. The basic issue here is that once love is withdrawn from us, we can begin to withdraw a sense of worth toward the one who hurt us. The conclusion is that he or she is worth-less. Over time, we can drift into the dangerous conclusion, ‘I, too, am worthless.’ After all, others have withdrawn love from me and have concluded that I lack worth, therefore I do lack worth. Even later, we can drift into the unhealthy conclusion that there is no love in the world and so no one really has any worth, thus everyone is worth-less.” Excerpt from the book, The Forgiving Life, Chapter 1.
Wounds and Love
In my years of talking with people about forgiveness, I have come to realize something important about the process: Wounded people are the ones who most often wound other people. Person A wounds Person B who wounds Person C. Person C is unaware that the wounds suffered by Person A are now descending on her.
Woundedness has a way of living on from person to person, not unlike how a virus continues to live, by finding a new host. The woundedness can go on for many years across many generations.
In my years of talking with people about forgiveness, I have come to realize something important about the process: Loving people are the ones who have been loved. Person A loves Person B who….you know the pattern.
We wound because we were first wounded.
We love because we were first loved.
We forgive because we were first wounded and loved.
We need to bring more love to people so that we can combat the woundedness with forgiveness.
In my years of talking with people about forgiveness, I have come to realize something important about the process: It is easier to pass on woundedness than love; woundedness than forgiveness.
Love can die in one generation if calamity descends. This is why we must be so vigilant about love and forgiveness. They are more fragile than our wounds.
R.E.
When Love Is Withdrawn from Us
Is it possible that we might change in a negative way when others withdraw love from us? Consider three issues, which might form a digression in our very selves. In the first scenario, we can begin to withdraw a sense of worth toward the one who hurt us. The conclusion is that he or she is worthless. In the second scenario, over time, we can drift into the dangerous conclusion, “I, too, am worthless.” After all, others have withdrawn love from me and have concluded that I lack worth, therefore I do lack worth. Here is where our own self-esteem is lowered because another or others are being unkind to us. In the third scenario, and even later down the road, we can drift into the unhealthy conclusion that there is no love in the world and so no one really has any worth, thus everyone is worthless. It is here that we might settle into a pervasive pessimism, without even realizing it is happening.
This three-layer development of negativism toward the other, dislike of self, and pessimism in general can be overcome by being vigilant in forgiving. Forgiving another can reverse negative judgements about the one who hurt us, can be a safe-guard in preserving self-esteem, and can prevent a drift into negativism. Perseverance in forgiveness, then, is necessary.
R.E.
Thought for the day:
‘I know what love is’ was the emphatic statement of the simple man, Forrest Gump. ‘I know what love is’ is now your goal. And the paradox is that you may begin to find love out of the ashes of all your resentments and disappointments from hundreds of injustices inflicted on you by others. Yes, forgiveness is a paradox–as you practice a sense of love toward people whom you might currently consider to be unloveable, you develop a certain wisdom about both love and forgiveness. It is in the struggle to forgive that you find wholeness. As you practice forgiveness, you discover love in such a way that it is more natural, more readily available, more deeply expressed, and more consistently expressed by you across the board.
The Forgiving Life, page 20.
