International Forgiveness Institute https://validator.w3.org/feed/docs/rss2.html Forgiveness Guidelines for Therapists Enright Forgiveness Motivation Inventory The Struggle to Seek Forgiveness and to Forgive As just one more follow-up question, if I start to forgive on my own, I like your self-help book, Forgiveness Is a Choice. Would you recommend that I start there? Our Forgiveness Blog If I practice forgiveness, can I actually improve in forgiveness by getting better at it?  If so, what are some hallmarks of forgiveness improvement? I have forgiven a co-worker for unjust behavior, but I now am having a hard time trusting her. I know from your writings that trust is different from forgiveness. Can you give me some advice on how to increase my trust now that I have forgiven the co-worker? I need some help in understanding what you mean by “bearing the pain” as part of the Work Phase of forgiveness. For example, do I reinterpret the pain as not so bad? Would you please elaborate on this for me? Thank you in advance. have a complicated situation. My father left our family when I was a child. Once I was grown, he came to me, asking for my forgiveness. I was angry and refused to forgive. Now I am feeling badly about that. Should I ask my father to forgive me for my insensitive treatment toward him when he humbly asked for forgiveness? Is it possible to actually become a forgiving person? It seems to me that forgiving myself is harder than forgiving other people. Do you agree with this, and if so, why might this be the case? My husband has frequent temper tantrums. When I ask him to quiet down, he just gets angry. He says he has a right to these outbursts. So, my question to you is this: Could my forgiving him open the door for him to keep up this frustrating pattern? If people deny their deep anger over a long period of time, might they forget that anger? If so, would this then lead to the situation where the forgiveness process is no longer necessary? Once I forgive myself, is there anything else I need to do so that this process is all wrapped up? Can you give me one suggestion for introducing the concept of forgiveness to my family? I have learned to forgive, and I now see this as vitally important. Home In the Process Model of Forgiveness, you begin the Work Phase by asking the forgiver to better understand the one who was unjust. I am a little worried about doing that. If I focus on that person and see all of his inner wounds, might this engender in me such sympathy for him that I conclude this: “Well, he is so hurt that maybe he really didn’t mean to hurt me.” Wouldn’t that be an open door to excuse what he did to me? Might highly angry parents inadvertently be setting up their children to bully others in school and, once they are adults, to be difficult partners in marriage? I am aware of a weakness of mine. I am a bit too quick to go back to a relationship that was hurtful. In other words, I don’t think I have a great grasp of reconciliation. Can you provide me with some cautions as I reflect on this vital concept of reconciliation? Peace Builders When on my forgiveness journey, I can get tired and want to stop. At such times, I can get discouraged and don’t necessarily like myself because I am not persevering. Not crossing the finish line of forgiveness. Can you help me gain some perspective on this? I left a relationship in which I experienced continued abuse. Now that I am out of this challenging relationship, guess who I am blaming for the breakup? Right…..me!  Help! I have a deep interest in helping those with addictions, particularly to drugs.  Do you have knowledge of any forgiveness research that addresses this issue? The Forgiving Heart: Cultivating Compassion Is There Ever an Obligation to Forgive? Is Forgiveness Good for Your Health? I want to learn more about this agape love you mentioned in your earlier answer about finding meaning in suffering through forgiveness.  If I wanted to learn more about agape love, could you recommend a couple of readings on the topic? Thank you for your response to my question about suffering.  Ok, you have convinced me that we can find meaning in our suffering.  So, my next question is this: What do you see that people learn when they forgive? Can we actually grow through our suffering?  In other words, is suffering just for nothing, or can we find meaning in it? How can I help others learn to suffer well when they are treated badly?  I am concerned because, if I open up a heart-wound in a friend by talking about suffering well through forgiveness, how can I help close the wound in the heart so that he does not emotionally bleed to the point of an emergency? In chapter 10 of your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you say this: “Knowing how to forgive is also preparation for the injuries and pain that will come in the future.”  That seems kind of pessimistic.  Should I be living my life, always looking over my shoulder, trying to find the next person who will treat me cruelly? What Is the Difference Between Forgiving and Walking Away? What do you suggest that I do in the following situation?  I now am part of a peer group that seems to be against forgiveness.  The members of this group suggest that forgiveness is weak and we need to be tough and fight for justice.  How do I stay true to forgiveness under these frustrating conditions?  Should I just leave the group?  We have common interests, such as sports, watching movies, and supporting one another. One more issue with my past materialist philosophy: Not only would forgiveness be out the window, but so would love.  What would love mean from a neurological perspective? Thank you for your important idea on free will.  I like it because it makes us agents of our own morality.  I think it makes us more human than the idea that all we are is derived from our biology.  The exclusive biological philosophy can lead to despair because we lack goals we can form and strive to achieve. Thank you. Letting go of Grudges & Improving Your Health Have you found any cross-cultural differences in forgiveness that you can share with me? Is it possible to forgive on behalf of someone else?  Here is what I mean: My brother is estranged from our father.  I would like to say to Dad, “On behalf of my brother, I want to offer you forgiveness.”  Is this appropriate or not? I am a Christian who has had a rocky time with my grandmother, who passed away recently.  I think I have completed all of the processes of forgiveness and can honestly say that I have forgiven her.  There is one thing I have not found in your books, and it is this: Can you help me understand how I might practice reconciliation with her now that she is no longer on this earth? Regarding the theoretical framework: Which school of psychology does this approach to forgiveness primarily align with? In your experience, how will forgiving affect trust later on?  For example, I was hurt in a past relationship, and now I am hesitant to enter into a new one.  My trust is damaged. I have been hurt in a romantic relationship that lasted three years.  I think this painful experience helped me to become a more sensitive person to others’ pain.  Yet, in my becoming a sensitive person, I now am wondering if I have become a weaker person, not as strong as before.  As an example, I am less likely to speak up when people annoy me because I see others’ pain, even when they are displacing it onto others.  Sensitive vs, strong: What do you think? Do you have empirically validated evidence that forgiveness reduces what you call resentment or irritability?  If so, can you share just one study showing this? Is forgiveness an innate capacity, or does it only emerge when we encounter deep hurt? Could you please elaborate on this: Does the meaning of forgiveness only begin to blossom once an individual possesses the hope and the will to forgive? Regarding the process of forgiveness, I know that the Enright Process Model is flexible, allowing individuals to move forward or backward based on their personal progress. What is the minimum requirement (in terms of specific steps or psychological state) for someone to be considered to have achieved forgiveness within this model? What would you suggest to me about my worldview that I want to change.  I basically have been duped into taking a strict materialist or neurobiological view of the world.  This emerged from some of my reading.  Here is what I mean: Some kept saying that we are what our neurons are.  We are what our brainwaves are.  That’s all we are.  Now I see that this is nonsense because it has the hidden assumption that we are all robots.  OK, it’s your turn.  How would you respond to this, given your studies of forgiveness? I recently have been released from prison after a number of years. Do you have any stories of people, similar to me, who have been released and who have forgiven those who abused them when they were young?  I want to be free of this burden, and the sooner the better. I am a Christian believer, and I am wondering if you can offer just one Bible passage to help me with my shame and self-condemnation. Thank you in advance for this. The Enright Forgiveness Inventory – 30 Dr. Forgiveness Answers 2,000th Question!