Tagged: “Anger”

“Is it harder to forgive if a person is filled with anger compared with another person who is filled with pain and sorrow after being treated unfairly?”

It seems to me that if the anger is very intense and includes resentment or even hatred, then, yes, it is harder to forgive. Some people who are fuming with anger cannot even use the word “forgiveness” because it intensifies the anger. At the same time, if a person has deep sorrow, sometimes there is an accompanying lack of energy and the person needs some time to mourn first. At such times, the person needs to be gentle with the self as emotional healing takes place.

For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy? 

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How to Beat the Coronavirus Lockdown Blues

World-renowned psychologist Dr. Robert Enright has teamed up with acclaimed songwriter-performer Sam Ness to produce a “therapeutic music-discussion video” for adults who are struggling with the anguish created by the COVID-19 lockdown.

Called “Forgiveness,” the hour-long video incorporates original compositions written and performed by Ness with related summary discussion bites on the virtue of forgiveness to create what Dr. Enright calls  “forgiveness therapy through music” or simply “music of the heart.” The video production is available at no cost on YouTube.

“Every person in the world is dealing with some form of pain or toxic anger from being hurt in the past,” Dr. Enright said in explaining why he and Ness produced the video. “The COVID-19 lockdown has a tendency to amplify those internal feelings and cause additional stress so this is the ideal time to practice forgiveness by being good to yourself (self-forgiveness) and good to others.”

The Forgiveness video includes a rolling discussion between Ness and Dr. Enright, a University of Wisconsin-Madison psychology professor and co-founder of the International Forgiveness Institute. The exchanges summarize the four phases of the patented Enright Forgiveness Process Model that has become the standard for forgiveness and forgiveness therapy around the world.

“Sam has added high artistry to the language of forgiveness with his voice and his guitar,” Dr. Enright says. “Instead of reading a book to learn how to forgive, Sam’s songs provide forgiveness therapy through music.

With the coronavirus pandemic shutting down most television and movie productions for now, would-be viewers of those non-existent productions are looking for something new to watch as they shelter in place, according to Dr. Enright. “This video is just what they need—emotional self-improvement.”

In addition to the song “Forgiveness,” Ness performs two other original compositions on the video: “Storm Inside of Me” (a ballad about self-forgiveness) and “I’ve Come for Grace” (a song he wrote about life’s trials while he was undertaking a 96-mile winter hike through the Highlands of Scotland).

The 22-year-old Ness, a native of Sauk City, WI, began his song-writing career at age 15 and performed in show choir musicals throughout his high school years earning him scores of awards including two Wisconsin Tommy Awards for Outstanding Lead Performer and more than a handful of  Outstanding Male Soloist Awards.

After high school, Ness passed up scholarship offers to study theater from half-a-dozen prestigious universities and music conservatories. Instead, he hitch-hiked and hopped busses for nearly a year across Scotland, England, France, Spain, Portugal, and Switzerland while learning the fine art of “busking” (street performing).


The complete video production is available at no cost on


The following year, Ness busked across much of New Zealand before signing on for a 23-show tour across Thailand and Cambodia. Since returning to Wisconsin, he finished writing and recording an album, “Lullabies & Faerie Tales.” He was nominated for several Madison-area music awards and won the Male Vocalist of the Year Award in 2019. Most of his music is available on his website: www.samness.us.

Ness will be traveling throughout Wisconsin and Minnesota this summer (COVID-19 permitting) as part of a solo musical tour featuring performances in 19 separate venues including resorts, lounges, wineries and brewpubs. View the Schedule.

That tour has been arranged and scheduled by Jonathan Little Productions, a talent agency owned by Jonathan Little—a life-long radio broadcaster and promoter of local artists. Little also helped arrange and produce the “Forgiveness” video. He received the Madison Area Music Awards Lifetime Achievement Award in 2007 and was inducted into the Wisconsin Broadcasters Association Hall of Fame in 2008.

“As this new video demonstrates, forgiveness is a paradox in which people are kind to those who were unkind to them, according to Dr. Enright. “That’s something we can all benefit from in this time of coronavirus lockdown. Forgiveness has the power you can use to free yourself from past hurts so you can live a better life.”

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What does science say is the most difficult unit of your Forgiveness Process Model of 20 steps?

We first have to keep in mind that the science basically is looking for generalities or that which is typical.  So often, this quest for the normal or typical overlooks the individually personal characteristics of many people. With that said, we tend to find that many people say the initial decision to forgive, to commit to the forgiveness process, is the most difficult unit of the Forgiveness Process Model.  I think this might be the case because change or transition can be scary.  If you think about it, moving to a new city or starting a new job or starting a new exercise program as you walk through the gym doors for the first time can be a challenge.  Starting on a forgiveness path represents hard work and unknown challenges.  I think this is why many people say that this is the hardest part of the forgiveness process.

For additional information, see  The Four Phases of Forgiveness. 

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When I forgive my husband for his forgetfulness (he forgets to bring in the mail, he forgets to help with the dishes, and other annoying issues), it only seems to encourage his behavior that gets to me.  It is as if my forgiving is the ticket for him to keep it up.  Can you help me with this?

Yes, I think I can offer some possible insights.  I am guessing that your husband is interpreting your act of mercy in forgiveness as permission to keep everything as it currently is.  When we forgive, we should consider bringing the moral virtue of justice alongside the moral virtue of forgiveness.  When you forgive and your anger diminishes, then might be the time to gently bring up the theme of justice: How can he be fair to you, to share the load?  This may get his attention and also send the message that forgiveness also is tough-minded enough to gently ask for fairness.

Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.

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I’m not buying forgiveness.  Someone was really, really rude to me recently.  Forget this person!  As I forget, I have no need of forgiveness.  Anyway, forgiveness is more of an illusion than anything else.  When we forgive we artificially convince ourselves that what the other did was not so bad.  This is not for me.

First, I am sorry that you have been treated very badly.  Your anger is typical for those recently and deeply hurt.  We never put pressure on people to forgive, especially when the wounds are fresh and a legitimate time for anger is needed.  Please keep in mind that once some time passes, your feelings about forgiveness may change.  I am not saying that they absolutely will, but I am encouraging you to be open to a possible change in your attitude toward forgiveness.  Finally, and only when you are ready, you might want to explore more deeply what forgiveness actually is.  When we forgive, we do not condone what the other person did.  What happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. What changes in forgiveness is our stance toward the other person.  We begin to see the worth in the other person, not because of what happened, but in spite of this.  I wish you well in your emotional healing.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined. 

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