Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
When I was growing up, my mother would press me to forgive. She seemed to have an attitude that I was always in the wrong. This has affected my life and my ability to trust others. I also am somewhat negative about forgiveness because of this experience when I was young. What do you suggest in this case?
It seems that you now are seeing the importance of people clearly understanding what forgiveness actually is and precisely how to go about it. Your mother’s pressuring you to forgive seems to have affected both your view of forgiveness and your ability to reconcile with others because of damaged trust. I first would urge you to take a careful look at what forgiveness actually is so that you do not distort its essence. Forgiving can be a beautiful response that sets you free from unhealthy anger. I then recommend that you consider forgiving your mother for pressuring you. Once you begin to see the value of forgiving, forgiveness can fortify you against the pain from future injustices by other people. Forgiveness can reduce feelings of mistrust about the future. This new confidence that you have a healthy response to future injustices may help you to enter into future relationships with others.
Is there anything I can do for a friend who has rejected the idea of forgiving an ex-partner? She is skeptical about what forgiveness is and what it accomplishes. What do you suggest that I do?
She certainly is entitled to her own opinion. At the same time, if that opinion, about what forgiveness is, contains substantial errors, then you might consider talking with her about the basics of forgiveness. To forgive is not to find excuses or to abandon the quest for justice. To forgive is not to necessarily or automatically reconcile. Forgiveness is a choice and should not be forced on her by others. Does she understand all of this? In my experience, those who are highly skeptical of forgiving often misunderstand what it is.
I emailed you a couple of weeks ago about my partner, who refuses to discuss the deep hurt that he experienced at work. I have been waiting and loving him, but no progress at this point. Can you give me more pointers for opening him up to the possibility of forgiving those at work who hurt him?
You do not want to pressure your partner into forgiving. At the same time, you do not necessarily want to ignore your partner who could be better off psychologically by considering forgiveness, as you are aware. I recommend that you be aware of his inner pain. When he expresses that pain (as fatigue or bodily tensions or deep anger), you could focus on that pain and ask him if he has a way of reducing or eliminating that pain. If he has no effective strategies in mind, it is then that you might consider suggesting forgiving as a way to get rid of the pain. I have found that pain is a great motivator toward healing and forgiving is one path to that healing.
I kind of hate to admit this, but as the saying goes, “Revenge is sweet.” If revenge gives me a similar sense of satisfaction as forgiveness does, would you equate revenge and forgiveness and say that they have equal value?
Actually, no, revenge-seeking and forgiving are entirely different. Even if they lead to a similar inner conclusion, we have to remember that the outward conclusion is radically different for revenge and forgiving. In getting revenge, the person may receive retaliation from the other, in which case the “feel good” scenario melts away. In forgiving, the person who gives love may receive love back. Even if this does not happen, at least the other person’s quest for retaliation may not be present any longer. We cannot confuse revenge and forgiving by focusing on outcomes only. As one final thought, the “feel good” experience in revenge might be very short-lived. Revenge does not necessarily lead to a cure for resentment, but only a temporary reprieve from it.
My partner was hurt at work. He is somewhat withdrawn even at home as he refuses to talk about the work issue. What advice do you have for me?
The best you can do right now is to unconditionally love your partner. His internal wounds are too new for him to talk. Being there as a support for him, even if he says nothing, may increase his trust. When he is ready, he will talk with you.
