Tagged: “Future”
My spouse says that I am an angry person. She is correct, but I cannot recall anyone in particular who treated me unfairly. So, what’s up with my anger?
You might have what is called repressed memories in that you are in denial about some injustices from your past. Sometimes, we so respect our parents, for example, that it is hard to admit unjust treatment from them. See if this might fit your own case. At the same time, it can be the case that you are angry because you reason that the world owes you a lot more than is reasonable. In this case, you might have some narcissistic tendencies (a me-first mind set). This can be hard to admit because narcissism exalts the self. It takes the moral virtue of humility to see the narcissism and to willingly change the pattern.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I don’t feel anger. So, I don’t need to forgive my father for ignoring me while I was growing up, right?
You do not have to feel anger to forge ahead with forgiving. For example, are you feeling disappointed or sad? Do you think you can have a genuine trusting relationship with your father now? If not, then forgiving would be appropriate. In other words, it is not only feelings of anger that motivate forgiving. If you think you have been treated unfairly and this is getting in the way of your current relationship with your father, then forgiving would be appropriate if you choose to do so.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
How can forgiving make you just turn your back on the past as if it no longer exists, yet it still constantly haunts you?
Forgiveness does not ask you to “turn your back on the past.” When we forgive, we remember, but we remember in new ways rather than re-living all of the grim details that caused us pain. For example, when you forgive, you see the one who hurt you as emotionally wounded (if this is true). You see the other’s vulnerability. This helps to reduce the pain as you recall what happened. Also, as you forgive, you likely will not be re-living that event as often as you did before forgiving.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
You talk a lot about how forgiveness lowers one’s anger. You further state that too much anger is unhealthy for a person. Yet, isn’t it possible for anger to linger for a very long time when someone close to you betrays you?
Yes, you do make a good point. When betrayed by a loved one (and many other examples of injustice), anger can continue for a very long time, even years. Yet, there is an important difference between feeling some anger as you recall what happened and being dominated by intense, unhealthy anger. Forgiveness, practiced patiently over time, can reduce this unhealthy form of anger. Having some anger left over simply shows that you are human and you are still, legitimately, responding to what happened to you. You are saying that you are a person of worth who should not have been treated this way. So, I think you can go in peace knowing that you have forgiven even with some residual anger. If you are feeling the intense, toxic anger on a regular basis, I suggest that you turn once again to the process of forgiveness to lower that anger.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
Is wanting to forgive for your own health selfish? Is it effective?
Suppose you hurt your knee while running. Further suppose that you want to make an appointment at Sports Medicine to address the issue. Is this selfish? There is a large difference between being selfish (absorbed with yourself at the expense of others) and engaging in self-care (attending to your needs without neglecting others’ needs). Forgiving is good self-care. Our research shows a cause-and-effect relationship between learning to forgive and improvement in heart health for cardiac patients:
Waltman, M.A., Russell, D.C., Coyle, C.T., Enright, R.D., Holter, A.C., & Swoboda, C. (2009). The effects of a forgiveness intervention on patients with coronary artery disease. Psychology and Health, 24, 11-27.
Our research shows a cause-and-effect relationship between learning to forgive and improvement in fibromyalgia symptoms:
Lee, Y-R & Enright, R.D. (2014) A forgiveness intervention for women with fibromyalgia who were abused in childhood: A pilot study. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 1, 203-217. doi: 10.1037/scp0000025.
A recent meta-analysis showed a statistically significant correlation between degree of forgiveness and a host of different physical issues:
Lee, Y.R. & Enright, R.D. (2019): A meta-analysis of the association between forgiveness of others and physical health. Psychology & Health, 34, 626-643.
So, yes, forgiving does seem advantageous for one’s physical health.
For additional information, see Forgiveness for Individuals.
