Tagged: “Misconceptions”
What happens if I repeatedly extend kindness and forgiveness to someone and the person chooses not to accept it? I feel like this is an opportunity for the other to exploit me. It’s also a chance for me to exhaust myself by being kind without expecting anything in return from the other. How do you respond to my ideas?
Your question is important because, barring some crucial clarifications, you might exhaust yourself and it wouldn’t be true forgiveness. Let’s talk about the situation first—you offering forgiveness and the other refusing it. Assume you were practicing the virtue of justice rather than forgiveness, and whenever you treat someone fairly, this person responds unfairly to you. Would you cease to be just because of this? Would you, for instance, begin to act unfairly? No, you would not give up on the moral virtue of justice. Why? Being fair, even when others are not, is good in and of itself. The same holds true when forgiving someone. Even in the face of unmerciful actions from other people all around us, your showing mercy is a good thing in and of itself.
Moving on to the second point: exhausting oneself. It is possible to forgive someone from a distance without having to make amends if the person consistently takes advantage of you. Put another way, extend forgiveness, but afterward, give serious thought to what is fair and reasonable to bring both of you back together again.
It seems to me that as people age, they have the potential to become more wise. Yet, why does senseless harm continue for people even when they get older?
You already have hinted at your answer by using the word “potential.” Having potential does not mean that the person realizes and appropriates more gentleness, mercy, and love. These need to be consciously chosen, with correct understanding of what these are, and the continual practice of these so that the person grows in greater proficiency of them. If communities do not emphasize gentleness, mercy, and love, then people may not reflect deeply on them or practice them diligently, thus losing the opportunity for planting these more deeply in families and communities. Surely, this is a great opportunity lost. It is time to put gentleness, mercy, and love more consistently on the table for discussion and implementation.
I don’t get the world and the constant quest by those in power to hurt others rather than forgive. Why is this?
You raise a vital question. You already have hinted at the answer by using the word “power.” It seems to me that “power” has become a norm for too many in positions of leadership. There are at least 2 forms of power: power **for** others and power **over** others. When there is a norm for dominance and the suppression of humility, then the incessant power **over** others can become a subconscious norm in society. We need a conscious and deliberate examination of power **over** others with a deep discussion of how mercy, forgiveness, and humility need to break into the norms of societies fo good. Using power **for** the good of others will create a more just and humane society anywhere in the world, in my opinion.
I find that it is easier to forgive a person only after I first have sought and gotten revenge. I think it is unhealthy to forgive before I have had my revenge. What do you think about that?
I think you are confusing what forgiveness actually is. To forgive is to have mercy on the other. In sharp contrast is revenge in which you deliberately and severely punish the other. Revenge is not even justice because revenge is an intemperate (severe) form of the eye-for-an-eye form of giving back to the other what was unfortunately given to you. If you have sought and completed your intemperate form of justice, then where is the mercy? Try mercy by itself and then ask for a more accurate form of justice. I think you will be better off in terms of your own emotional health if you operate in this way. I think those who hurt you will be better off, too.
I’ve been making an effort to forgive someone who just keeps hurting me. With every new transgression, this person makes me angry again, how can I ever forgive this person?
I get asked this question quite frequently. This is not just you. Please remember that the accumulation of resentment within you may make the hundredth time someone hurts you more painful than the first. This potential for animosity to fester makes forgiveness even more important. Thus, I suggest the following three methods to you:
1) To prevent your resentment from overwhelming you, persevere in your forgiving. Every time this person treats you unfairly and causes you pain, forgive .
2) You will become more adept at forgiving as you practice it repeatedly. Observe how your capacity for forgiveness and your confidence in it are both expanding; you may find that you are able to forgive more quickly and effectively each time.
3) Remind yourself that practicing forgiveness is not something you do in isolation from the other virtues. As you forgive, ask for justice, and do so after you have forgiven again so that you approach the person with less anger.
