Tagged: “Misconceptions”
Aside from compliments and “nice job,” what true satisfaction can you get from forgiving someone? I feel like I’m playing this kind of game.
I concur that forgiveness can lead to a sense of fulfillment. I concur that receiving affirmation from others is not the main source of satisfaction when it comes to forgiving. I disagree that receiving affirmation from others is the sole benefit of forgiveness. Forgiving others is primarily about showing love to people—especially to those who have wronged us. I find that practicing this love and then realizing that it is stronger than any injustice that comes our way is incredibly fulfilling.
I concur that forgiving someone can lead to satisfaction. I concur that receiving affirmation from others is not the main source of satisfaction when it comes to forgiving. I disagree that receiving affirmation from others is the only thing that comes with forgiving someone. Being able to love others—especially those who have wronged us—is the main reward for forgiving. I think it is incredibly fulfilling to put this love into practice and then to know that it outweighs any injustice that may come our way.
When I forgive someone, I discover that my anger is never truly over. In other words, I can wake up weeks later and feel the same level of anger. This is starting to get depressing. How can I let go of my anger so that it doesn’t come back?
We all forgive imperfectly because we are imperfect human beings. After experiencing severe hurt, we can have our anger lessen, but occasionally it flares up again when we are reminded of the offending party and the unfair event. Please understand that this is normal. I want to encourage you by telling you that people tell me that when they practice forgiveness, the anger returns, but it comes back milder than before. When you revisit forgiveness toward someone you have already forgiven, you might notice that the process goes more quickly and thoroughly than it did the last time around as you continue to practice forgiveness toward new people and new injustices. Welcome to the group of flawed individuals, then. When the anger flares up again, go back to forgiveness. By doing this, you’ll take charge of your anger instead of letting it control you.
To be honest with you, I fear my anger, even though I know that in order to forgive, I must face my anger toward the person who wronged me. Because the person who hurt me was so cruel, repeatedly, I’m afraid I might lose control. I dislike being afraid of myself. Please assist me in getting over this.
First of all, you should acknowledge one very positive thing: you know that you are furious. Some people try to hide how angry they are, which makes it harder to let go of the anger. Ultimately, if you are diminishing the anger, how can you lessen it? What should you do if you have a deep cut on your arm and you’re worried about getting an infection? Your fear is impeding healing if it hinders you to the point where you are unable to clean the wound and apply an antibiotic. Anger and injustices work similarly. More often than not, the issue is not anger itself, but rather fear of anger.
Please remember that forgiveness is a kind of antiseptic, a kind of cleansing agent that you do have against toxic anger. You will notice that the anger lessens as you continue to practice forgiveness. You have forgiveness to support you once more, even if the anger reappears. As your forgiveness improves through practice, you’ll find that you have less fear of your bad feelings because you’ll have a potent remedy for them. Savor the purifying effects of forgiveness.
Why is it important to use stories when working with primary school children on the theme of forgiveness?
The use of stories helps young students see how story characters work though conflict without putting any pressure on the students to start forgiving others. After all, forgiveness education is not forgiveness therapy and so class instruction in schools needs to start with understanding what forgiveness is, what it is not, how people go about it, and what happens when people forgive. If students are then drawn to the beauty of forgiveness, it is their choice to do so in the classroom and on the playground when other students behave unfairly.
I am kind of confused by your call for taking the perspective of the one who wounded me. If I “step inside the shoes” of this person by inducing empathy, might this lead to my justifying this person’s behavior? Aren’t I just giving this person a “way out” by such an approach?
Actually, no, this approach should not lead to you excusing the other person’s behavior. This is the case because, in our Process Model of Forgiveness, we start by seeing the other person’s injustice and we label that injustice as wrong. So, when we take the other’s perspective, we are doing this as we acknowledge that what the other did was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. If we did not do that, then yes, there could be a misunderstanding by the forgiver that what the other did was not so bad under the circumstances. This is why it is very important, early in forgiving, to label the injustice as unfair and explain to the forgiver that forgiveness does not include an excusing of this behavior. Our response in forgiving is to change our view of the person without changing the understanding of what happened to us.
