Tagged: “Misconceptions”
Upon reflection, I realize that I have a long list of people I need to forgive, spanning from my early years to the present day of my adult life. Everything looks so overwhelming. Who should I start with, and why? How do I organize myself while forgiving in this way?
This is a typical and significant inquiry. It is important since it is challenging to arrange all of these details. I walk you through this process of organizing in the way you want in my book, The Forgiving Life, especially in Chapters 8 and 9.
Here is a summary of those chapters: Make a list of all the family members who have harmed you. Make a list of all the instances in which they treated you unjustly. Next go on to experiences with classmates during elementary school, then adolescence, and finally adulthood with relationships and employment. As accurately as you can, enumerate every instance of significant injustice.
Start with your family of origin (where you grew up) as that is where your personal behavioral pattern may have been formed. It is not advisable for you to start forgiving the one person for the one thing that you found most difficult. Before going up the hurt-scale to the one person and one event that hurt you the most, start small and practice forgiveness. Next, proceed to schooling or your peer group, depending on which one most needs your forgiveness, and repeat the same process. Work up to the bigger problems by starting with the smaller ones. You will eventually reach a point in time when you might need to extend forgiveness to a spouse or other close relative who have deeply hurt you. Because of all of your previous forgiveness work, you will already be strengthened, so this new task won’t be as difficult as it could have been if you hadn’t first developed your capacity for forgiveness by forgiving other people for lesser injustices.
Is it accurate to say, “Forgive and forget”? When we forgive, do we forget?
We do not experience moral amnesia, erasing our most profound hurts, when we forgive someone for a significant injustice. No, instead we remember the deep wounds inflicted upon us, in case they recur. I believe that rather than forgetting, we remember in novel ways. When we look back, we see a wounded person rather than a villain who wronged us. We perceive that we have strengthened as a result of the event rather than being crushed by it. We recall with even more love, compassion, and gentleness.
Over the years, I have forgiven him, and I believed my resentment had subsided. However, I am furious since he is now exhibiting symptoms of returning. Two inquiries: 1) After all these years, why am I still so angry, especially when I’ve already forgiven? and 2) How can I deal with my rage? I’m scared because it’s so intense. Please assist me.
I want to start by praising you for having the resolve to express your anger. You’ve been through a lot. To answer your first question, I believe that once a crisis has passed, anger can sometimes grow stronger. Trying to survive as a child without a father was your crisis. You were definitely under strain at times because of this since people might have asked you awkward questions or questioned where your father was, among other things. You persevered. You are letting go of the crisis now that you have “made it in the world,” since you are able to operate well enough to attend a university. Your mental barriers to the fury are now weakening, and resentment is rising within of you.
First of all, please accept that this is normal and refrain from labeling yourself as unusual or unhealthy. Simultaneously, you realize that anger itself has the potential to be unhealthy and even cause you to lash out at people, so you need to deal with the anger.
Would you mind resuming the forgiveness process with your father? Recognize that you are angry and start over from there. Recognize its ability, including the potential for harm to you or others. Then resolve to forgive once more. Proceed with the act of forgiving as though it were your first time. The favorable outcomes likely will take you by surprise. How am I aware? You’ve achieved success in the past.
In response to your second question, as you are aware and as I have already stated, forgiveness will be helpful. I advise you to practice humility along with forgiveness. Humility is the quiet sense of purposefully eschewing entitlement or conceit and developing a sense of meekness and lowliness. You are not doing this to give in to pressure from your father or anyone else. Rather, you will be taking this action to prevent yourself from feeling the need to control your father when he approaches you, possibly in a broken and submissive manner. See what happens when you meet him with a meekness of your own.
There are other ways to move on from tragedy besides forgiveness. Is it not possible to go on by facing life head-on, carrying a grudge, and taking a march forward? Forgiveness is merely one of many strategies to move past injustices, isn’t there?
One of the numerous strategies for overcoming tragedy is forgiveness, although some strategies work better than others. Scientific studies have demonstrated that forgiveness is a particularly powerful tool for trauma recovery.
For instance, in a 1996 study that we both published, Suzanne Freedman and I examined women who had experienced incest. Each of the women had psychological sadness, anxiety, low self-worth, and little hope for the future when they came to see us. Before beginning forgiveness therapy, all of these women had attempted various methods of emotional healing, but none of them had proven to be very successful. After each participant received a one-on-one forgiveness intervention from Suzanne for an hour each week for about 14 months, those who received the forgiveness program saw a considerable improvement in their emotional well-being as compared to the control group (who did not receive the forgiveness intervention).
Following the start of the forgiveness intervention (once the original experimental participants finished the program), the members of the control group also experienced a notable improvement in their emotional state after about 14 months. If achieving emotional recovery is the aim, or perhaps one of the goals, then it is worthwhile to consider forgiveness as a method of addressing profound trauma.
Is self-forgiveness required if you have indirectly harmed others by harming yourself emotionally for not acting on your own beliefs of right and wrong?
Because forgiveness is the person’s choice, whether it is toward others or toward oneself, we cannot say that self-forgiveness is required. Some people will choose to forgive themselves and others will not. It is a legitimate act to forgive oneself when you have harmed others, even if this occurs from anger toward oneself first and then displaced anger that spills over to unsuspecting other people. So, in this case, forgiving yourself for harming yourself and then forgiving yourself for hurting someone else would be reasonable and likely would be emotionally healing for you. As you forgive yourself for harming another person, you might consider approaching that person and asking for forgiveness, when you are ready to do so.
