I know on a rational level that all people deserve to be forgiven. Yet, I sometimes feel guilty when I forgive someone, especially when I feel that he or she does not deserve my forgiveness. It is a feeling I just cannot shake. It seems too easy to rationalize this away by saying that everyone deserves it. Down deep, I do not feel this way sometimes and the guilt bothers me. What do you suggest?
May we make an important distinction between two meanings of the word “deserve”? There are two meanings to that word, one broad meaning and one narrow meaning.
First let us focus on the broad meaning. When you use the word “deserve,” you might mean that all people are special, unique, and irreplaceable and so each of us, because of our personhood, “deserves” to experience mercy at some times in our lives.
Second, now let us turn to the narrower meaning of the word, a more fine-lined meaning of “deserve,” which centers on the actual injustice committed against you. We can reason, “Because this person betrayed (disrespected, robbed, whatever is a serious injustice) me, I think that he does not deserve my forgiveness.” In this second use of the word “deserve,” you are absolutely correct. The person, because of what he did to you, does not “deserve” your forgiveness. Do you know why? Because you are using a justice word (“deserve”) rather than a word connoting mercy.
Forgiveness is not centered in justice, but instead in mercy. Because this is the case, a person’s specific act of injustice (in this second use of the word “deserve”) negates his *right* to your forgiveness. It is not just or fair that the person has a right to your forgiveness. You are free to give that forgiveness whenever you wish and you are not giving it because the offense was slight or because he now did something extraordinary to earn it.
No one can earn our forgiveness; otherwise it is an act of justice, not mercy. He cannot earn it, therefore he cannot deserve it in this narrow sense. When you struggle with others’ deserving or not deserving your forgiveness, try to remember two things:
1) All of us deserve mercy some of the time because we are persons and all persons (because we are special, unique, and irreplaceable) deserve to have mercy. This does not mean that you have to extend that mercy every time with every person for every event if you are not ready; and
2) No one deserves mercy in the second, narrower meaning of that term. Try to see that your forgiveness is not in the realm of justice at all, where there is earning and rights and deservingness. Shift your focus and see forgiveness for what it is—a willed expression of mercy. This might help you to forge ahead with forgiveness and lessen your guilt.
