Archive for February, 2019

When I forgive, do you think that I can trust the person in certain areas but not in others?

Yes, you can begin to trust someone in certain areas but not in others as you forgive.  As an example, suppose that Person A has a serious gambling problem.  These actions have hurt you.  Yet, the person is a good worker who gets the job done when asked to do so.  If Person A asks for a monetary loan, it would not be in your interest (or in Person A’s interest) to loan the money.  At the same time, if Person A’s work record is strong and you need this person to do a certain job, then relying on Person A to do and finish the job is not unreasonable, given the past behavior.  You can forgive the compulsive gambler for not paying back your loan and, at the same time, not trust the person in the one particular area of finances.

For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?

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Do forgiveness interventions work with participants who are in early adolescence?

Yes.  We have published research in which early adolescents in the United States and in Pakistan have benefited from a forgiveness intervention.  Here are the references to these works:

Gambaro, M.E., Enright,R.D., Baskin, T.A., & Klatt, J. (2008). Can schAt-Risk-Middle-School—Wool-based forgiveness counseling improve conduct and academic achievement in academically at-risk adolescents? Journal of Research in Education, 18, 16-27.

Rahman, A., Iftikhar, R., Kim, J., & Enright, R.D. (2018).  Pilot study: Evaluating the effectiveness of forgiveness therapy with abused early adolescent females in Pakistan. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 5, 75-87.

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What is one central issue about forgiving oneself that you could pass along to me?

Forgiving yourself is a process, as is forgiving other people.  If I had to choose one issue for you as you begin, it would be this:  Start by forgiving others first so that you get to know the process of forgiveness.  As you offer gentleness and kindness to others in forgiving them, then when you forgive yourself, apply that same kind of gentleness and kindness to yourself.

Learn more at Self-Forgiveness.

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Would you please explain what you mean by “wishing the person well” in the context of forgiving someone?

When you “wish the other well” you are not necessarily planning to go to the person and proclaim that you have forgiven (at least not yet).  You are not necessarily planning (at least for now) to reconcile with the person.  Instead, you are engaging in a cognitive exercise in which you hope that the one who hurt you does well in life, even if that person is doing well in life without a relationship with you.  For example, you want the person to have a good job.  You hope the person has good health.  The point is this:  Your thoughts about the person are not condemning ones but instead are positive thoughts for the person’s well-being.

Learn more at How to Forgive.

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I kind of feel that if I am forgiven, then what I did will be long forgotten.  At this point, I am afraid of that because, if I am forgiven and all is forgotten, I might commit the offense again.  Any suggestions?

It sounds to me that even if others forget what you did, you are not going to forget.  So, others’ views will not change yours.  May I suggest a balance here.  I know you do not want to forget what you did so that you do not engage in that behavior again.  At the same time, you might consider forgiving yourself if you are clinging to the memory of what you did and thus continue to condemn yourself for this.  If you forgive yourself, you still are not likely to forget, but instead to remember in new ways.  In other words, when you look back on the situation, you will not condemn yourself and feel excessively guilty as you recall what you did.  Your worry that you will completely forget will not materialize because, when you forgive yourself, you tend to remember in new ways rather than literally blotting out the transgression from memory.

Learn more at Self-Forgiveness and Learning to Forgive Others.

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