Our Forgiveness Blog
We Have Created a Diversion Toward Forgiveness
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The 17th-century philosopher Blaise Pascal wrote importantly about what he called “diversion,” meaning that people have a tendency to distract themselves from important ideas and actions. I have come to see that forgiveness is one of the central moral virtues that has been a victim of diversion. As we continue to ignore forgiveness as an integral part of our lives, there are these possible consequences:
Not Discussing Forgiveness
When was the last time you sat down with others to discuss forgiveness? I suspect the answer for many people is “I can’t remember” or “I don’t think I have done this.” In contrast, the moral virtue of justice is ever before us, and we discuss it, perhaps even unaware that we are doing so, as we, for example, talk about what is fair in our communities or which political positions are fairest.
Not Accurately Understanding Forgiveness
When we do not discuss forgiveness, we do not give ourselves the important opportunity to deeply understand it. We might, for example, equate forgiving with “just moving on” or “forgetting about the whole thing.” Such ideas do not capture the richness of forgiveness as a moral virtue in which the forgiver willingly tries to be good to those who are not good to the forgiver. This understanding can take time and effort because forgiveness is a paradox—the giving to those who have been unjust.
Not Practicing Forgiveness Diligently
As forgiveness is set aside in discussions, there may be a tendency to set it aside in practice, when we are hurt by others’ actions. As Aristotle reminded us, we tend to grow in moral virtues the more we practice them. If we do not have forgiveness on our radar and others around us are not encouraging us to forgive, we may look for other ways to respond to injustices, such as seeking only a fair solution, even when fuming with anger. Even here, if a person focuses exclusively on justice while fuming inside, that justice-seeking could become intemperate as the justice-seeker blends some revenge with the quest for fairness.
Not Bringing Forgiveness into One’s Family and Community
If we do not discuss, understand, or practice forgiveness, there may be an unfortunate tendency not to pass this important moral virtue on to children in families. In other words, the children will not be prepared to forgive others when the storms of injustice within adulthood arise. Think about a scenario in which a child rarely hears about forgiveness and now, as a 35-year-old, is suddenly abandoned by a long-time partner. The emotional pain of this could be eased by taking the time to forgive accurately and well. If the 35-year-old has not had the opportunity to know and practice forgiveness, this person will have to learn about forgiveness now, within the swirling context of a complex adulthood where there are bills to pay, employment to fulfill, and perhaps children to raise. Would it not be better if this person, as a 6-year-old, and 10-year-old, and 15-year-old was introduced to forgiveness so that this could have been carried into adulthood for the person’s good and the good of the family?
In Conclusion
How has it happened that forgiveness has become hidden in families, schools, local communities, and larger societies? What can be done to reverse this unfortunate situation? First, we must recognize the truth of this. Forgiveness has been ignored, set aside, too often, and in too many world communities. Then we need a plan to awaken forgiveness in minds and hearts and relationships by showing what it is, what it accomplishes, and its importance in human interactions. We then need a way to keep forgiveness going so that it does not fade out, so that forgiveness takes its rightful place along with other moral virtues such as justice, respect, and kindness. Doing so may be a significant protection for the hearts, minds, and relationships of those wounded by others’ cruelty. We need to start dismantling the destructive ways of diversion away from forgiveness so it can live consistently and abidingly in our hearts and communities.
Perseverance & Forgiveness
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Well……..it looks to be the case that we are persevering. The following essay was posted here in May of 2012, 14 years ago. It centers on our forgiveness education work in Belfast, Northern Ireland. As of this writing, we now have been there with forgiveness education for almost a quarter of a century, ending 24 years of this effort this month, with plans to continue in the future. We started with 6-year-old students in Primary 3 (first grade in the United States) and 8-year-old students in Primary 5 (third grade in the United States). These “wee ones” (as they say there) are now 30 years old and 32 years old, respectively. I wonder: Did they keep what they learned about forgiveness and apply it amid the rigors of adulthood when injustices were visited upon them? If so, was forgiveness helpful for them, for the one(s) who might have hurt them, and for their families, as resentments might have been quelled? I wonder.
So, when you read below that “The IFI has had a presence in Belfast for over 10 years now….,” change that to “The IFI has had a presence in Belfast for almost a quarter of a century now.”
Here is that long-ago essay, still very relevant today:
2002…. That is the year the International Forgiveness Institute began writing forgiveness education curriculum guides for teachers. We started with first grade classrooms in Belfast, Northern Ireland. When we started knocking on principals’ doors to discuss this life-giving project, we were met with skepticism.
“You will not last more than three years,” was what we heard consistently. Three years? Why three in particular?
“Because when people come from foreign lands to help Belfast, those well-meaning people never stay more than three years,” was the retort.
It became apparent that people go to Belfast with high expectations, great enthusiasm, and lots of adrenaline as they embark on their new adventure. Then the reality strikes. By year three the fatigue sets in, the streets of Belfast are all too familiar. It is now work and not adventure. Goodbye, Belfast!
The IFI has had a presence in Belfast for over 10 years now. So far, we have beaten the odds by staying three times longer than expected.
This issue of perseverance and endurance has me thinking. How can one preserve the idea of forgiveness in families, schools, places of worship, and places of employment? That seems easy……for about three years, but what about the next 10 or 20 or even 40 years?
How can forgiveness endure when there are so many diversions in life, so many new and good and novel ways to introduce new curricula to schools or new programs to businesses?
It takes a team and at least one person with an iron-clad will in the short-run. Forgiveness can too easily fade from the scene without this.
How will you preserve forgiveness in your own heart and in your most important relationships? How will you keep it from drifting out to sea, almost unnoticed as it fades? The first step is to realize that this can happen….and then not let it happen.
The Forgiving Heart: Cultivating Compassion
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At times, scholars who study forgiveness use a term called “decisional forgiveness.” It refers more to the mind than the heart as the person thinks about forgiveness and commits to reducing anger and increasing mercy toward those who have been unfair. While thinking about forgiveness is important, it is reductionistic to define forgiveness, which is a moral virtue (Song, Enright, & Kim, 2025), primarily as a cognitive activity. This is the case because any moral virtue is much broader than that, including thinking, behaving, and feeling toward the one who acted unjustly.
The purpose of this essay is to focus on forgiveness from the heart, from one’s feelings as a vital part of the forgiveness process. As you cultivate a more holistic view and practice of forgiveness that goes beyond decision-making, you may find a deeper and more satisfying way to respond to those who have hurt you. Consider seven exercises to strengthen the forgiving heart.
1. What Exactly Is Compassion?
In this first exercise, we will be somewhat philosophical. The point is to understand compassion deeply enough so that you can define what it is. Compassion includes the emotion of caring for others who are in need, for example, due to unfortunate decisions or unexpected life circumstances that engender suffering. Compassion is a softening of the heart toward others, including a willingness to suffer with the other. When we forgive with compassion, we move from a wounded heart to a softened heart. It is distinguished from reconciliation, which includes mutual trust and a behavioral coming together. Aristotle connected compassion to the moral virtue of kindness toward others. Compassion can stir the heart to action, or helping those in need.
2. Don’t Start with Forgiveness, but Start with a Little Compassion
In this exercise, the point is not to apply a sense of compassion toward those who have been cruel to you. Instead, let us step back from all this hurt and turn to a time when one person unconditionally showed you compassion. Maybe this happened when you were a child, fell and hurt yourself, and your mother embraced you, comforting and protecting you. This is compassion toward you. Take some time to think of one such incident and reflect upon it, letting it abide in your heart. Stay with this image until you can truly say, “Yes, this experience convinces me that I have been the recipient of others’ compassion.”
3. When Have You Been a Giver of Compassion?
The point of exercise 3 again is not to apply this directly toward those who offended you. Now, please think of a time in which you (not someone else) exercised compassion toward someone who needed your help. Maybe it was spending much time with a friend who was grieving. Maybe it was helping a neighbor or co-worker under pressure and needed someone to rely on, who was you. When did you serve another person by exercising this compassion? Let this abide in your heart. Stay with this image until you can truly say, “Yes, this experience convinces me that I can be compassionate in this way.”
4. Without Turning Yet to Compassion, Now Bring the One Who Hurt You into Your Awareness.
We start not with the heart, but with the mind. Can you think of any time in which the one who hurt you was so wounded that those wounds were passed to you? I do not ask so that you can excuse what the other person did. Instead, the point is to understand the person better, as this someone who has gone through pain. Who is this person? Is this someone who has been carrying wounds from others, even for years? What might it be like for this person, deep inside, with such a wounded heart? As you engage in this exercise, can you sense that your heart is moving, even if slowly, from an entrenched anger or a deep resentment to, perhaps, a different form of feeling? Might you be shifting from resentment to mourning about what happened to you? Might your heart be shifting from anger toward sadness toward the other for what was endured by this person?
5. Take Some Time to Put All of This Together.
Take some time to understand that: a) You understand compassion; b) you have experienced compassion from another or others; c) you see clearly that you have offered compassion to others; and d) you see the one who hurt you as hurting. Who are you as a person? Who are you, given that you have experienced the giving and receiving of compassion in your life? You are more than your wounds. Take some time to reflect on this.
6. Take the Compassion Test Before Applying It to the Offending Person.
I will give you six questions here. Please answer yes or no and defend your answers. Question 1: Is it reasonable to try to feel another’s pain and serve this person even if it is difficult for you to do so? Why or why not? Question 2: Can compassion build you up in your own humanity? Why or why not? Question 3: Can compassion refresh you, the one who was cruel to you, and others with whom you frequently interact? Why or why not? Question 4: Can compassion, practiced over time, help to heal a wounded heart? Why or why not? Question 5: Do you want to live a life with more compassion? Why or why not?
7. Now, Put the Pieces of Compassion Together, a Little at a Time, Toward the One Who Hurt You.
When you are ready, first cultivate that sense of receiving compassion and being compassionate toward others into your heart from Exercises 1 and 2 above. With that softness now in your heart, ask yourself this: Can I extend this compassion, even a little bit, toward the one who was cruel to me? How might this aid the person in growing in humanity? How might it help me and our potential renewed relationship? Take your time here. Be aware of small but important transformations in your heart. Be aware of the positive change in yourself when you ask: Who am I, truly, as a person, and what do I want to leave behind as my legacy when I leave this world?
Conclusion
In the end, you have a choice. You can forgive with a sense of being respectful toward the other and not bring compassion into the process if you are not ready. Be aware of your readiness to extend your compassion toward those who are not good to you. As you decide to include compassion in your forgiveness process, you are exercising forgiveness more deeply, perhaps than ever before. The outcome might be a surprising joy that you receive as you practice forgiveness from the heart.
Reference: Song, J., Enright, R.D., & Kim, J. (2025). Definitional drift within the science of forgiveness: The dangers of avoiding philosophical analyses. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 45(1), 3-24.
What Is the Difference Between Forgiving and Walking Away?
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I recently received a thoughtful letter from someone who has suffered gravely and extensively from others’ unjust actions. The letter was a response to an article in the Washington Post newspaper, published on Thursday, April 23, 2026 entitled, How to let go of grudges—-and why it could be good for your health.
Because the letter writer asked such an interesting question (What is the difference between forgiving and walking away?), I wanted to share my response while protecting the privacy of the person. Here is my reply:
I am sorry to hear of the terribly unjust actions that you have experienced in your life. You certainly deserve none of this.
Forgiveness is a moral virtue in which you try to be good to those who have not been good to you. Basically, it is trying to cultivate mercy toward them. Walking away is different in that people can walk away with indifference, or even annoyance or hatred in their hearts.
I find that when people are treated very cruelly by others, it is difficult to walk away with a healed heart. Forgiveness is a powerful medicine for reducing, and even curing, the resentments that can literally last for the rest of a person’s life. Some people reject the idea of forgiveness or are not ready for it. In my experience, people who reject forgiveness actually misunderstand it, equating it with excusing what others did, with automatically reconciling (which a person does not have to do when forgiving), or with throwing justice under the bus. A person can forgive and seek justice.
So, if you think you are ready, you could start with a person who was not exceptionally cruel to you. Learn the forgiveness process with this one person. If forgiveness then seems reasonable to you, try another person, again choosing someone who was not extremely cruel to you. If you want to continue, keep choosing others who have hurt you a little more than the previous person you have forgiven. Eventually, you will be at the top of the pyramid, forgiving those who were exceptionally cruel to you.
If you accomplish all of this forgiving, you will stand triumphant, with a reduced resentment that might surprise you. Those who treated you cruelly then will have no emotional power over you in that the resentments remaining in your closet will be substantially reduced or eliminated.
If you go on this journey, I wish you the very best. Please let me know if you have any other questions about forgiveness.
Announcing a New Initiative: Families for Forgiveness Education
Mary Lou Coons
In conjunction with Mary Lou Coons, who runs the Puppets for Peace Foundation, we are launching a new initiative entitled Families for Forgiveness Education. The point of this effort is to encourage interested parents (or other adults in the family) to teach children and adolescents about forgiveness at home. The website for this is being built now.
Here is an excerpt from the website explaining the necessity for forgiveness education for children and adolescents:
We need to take the learning of forgiveness very seriously in our troubled world, so that adults are already schooled in the practice of this heroic and vital moral virtue. This is why we started Families for Forgiveness Education: to assist adults in families in passing on forgiveness to their children, and to equip them with the readiness to tackle the serious injustices they might face in adulthood.
The central points of Families for Forgiveness Education are these:
1. We are interested in the development of appreciation and practice of the virtue of forgiveness within the family as a whole, as well as within each person.
2. Forgiveness needs to be established as a positive norm within the family for its members to have an appreciation for and practice of it. This means that the parents must cherish the virtue, have constructive conversations about it, and regularly show it to the family by asking for and granting forgiveness.
3. Forgiveness needs to be taught in the home using age-appropriate and engaging materials for both parents and children, for every member of the family to develop an appreciation for and practice of forgiveness. This is why we have forgiveness curriculum guides for ages 4 to 18, all free of charge for you. This is why I have written self-help books on forgiveness for adults.
4. If children are to grow up to be strong enough to pass on the moral virtue of forgiveness to their own families as adults, parents must continue to teach, practice, and appreciate forgiveness.
5. In the end, Families for Forgiveness Education may prove to be a gift of love that is passed first to the children and then down the generations for years to come. Perhaps this forgiveness might extend to one’s local communities, reducing interpersonal friction and fostering more peaceful encounters.
What about you? Is it your turn to give this gift of love to your family?
More information about Families for Forgiveness Education will become available here as we develop this idea.
