Archive for July, 2024
I am trying to find a quotation that I read in the past from Dr. Viktor Frankl, who was imprisoned in a concentration camp during World War II. Do you know of a quotation by him that focuses on suffering and hope in the future?
Yes, here is a quotation from Dr. Frankl that I have used in the book Forgiveness Is a Choice: “People can’t change the past, but they can change their attitudes toward injustice and suffering.” For Dr. Frankl, finding new meaning when one suffers is important. This can include becoming more sensitive to other people who are suffering. This finding meaning was important to him as a path toward emotional healing.
How do I convey to my partner that forgiveness takes time? When he reads advice on the Internet, he is often faced with advice suggesting that forgiveness can be accomplished quickly, in four or five sessions. From my own experience, this is not true when there is deep hurt. How can I get this through to my partner?
I definitely understand your frustration with the advice that is all over the Internet. As you say, forgiveness takes time. I use the analogy of physical fitness. One does not become physically fit overnight. It takes time and practice. It is the same with forgiveness when a person has not practiced it much and there is deep hurt. I suggest using the analogy of physical fitness with your partner. I also suggest passing the following essay on “quick fix” forgiveness from my Psychology Today blog site to your partner: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-forgiving-life/202302/be-wary-of-quick-fix-forgiveness
You make the point that angry parents can transfer that anger and suffering onto their unsuspecting children. My own mother was physically abused as a child. She was determined not to pass that to her children and so I can truly say that I was not physically abused as a child. Yet, without meaning to do so, my own dear mother passed temper tantrums to us instead. I think it was an extension of the physical abuse in the form of unresolved anger. I now want to make a commitment not to pass these temper tantrums to my own children. Yet, what if I pass another form of stress to my children, such as repression of anger where I and then they keep their anger bottled up inside, which could lead to depression? How do I avoid this?
Half the battle is to be aware, as you are, that you can pass a form of stress to your children. As you currently are aware, this could be overt and behavioral, such as temper tantrums, or more subtle, as in the form of the psychological defense mechanism of repression. Your being aware of these possibilities is important. The other half of the equation is to commit to behaviorally avoiding the tantrums and cognitively being aware of the possibility of passing unhealthy and sustained psychological defenses to your children. Try to introspect in a temperate way so that you see what is still left over for you from your childhood and then work to avoid establishing patterns, based on the leftover stress, toward your own children.
What is the difference between finding meaning after forgiving and developing a new purpose?
Finding meaning is a cognitive exercise in which the forgiver begins to understand how forgiveness operates within human hearts, families, and communities. As people find new meaning upon forgiving, they tend to be more aware of others’ suffering as well as one’s own suffering. Purpose is the decision and action to do something about these new insights. For example, a new purpose for some people upon forgiving is to assist others to forgive as a way of reducing the suffering caused by people who acted unjustly. Meaning is cognitive and purpose is more behavioral.
In Memoriam: Another Tribute to a Long-Time Board Member and Friend, Sister Mary Ellen Lewis
It was not long ago that I posted a tribute to the late Msgr. John Hebl, who passed away in March of this year. Today, we pay tribute to yet another of our Board Members, Sister Mary Ellen Lewis, who passed away on April 24, 2024. Sr. Mary Ellen was one of our first Board Members. I recall her coming to my office at the university and she humbly asked how she might become involved in the forgiveness work. She had a passion for helping people who have suffered injustices from others. When I suggested that she consider being on our board, she graciously and enthusiastically accepted. I think it was her passion for education, which made a difference in people’s lives, that led her to the original meeting with me so long ago now.
Sister Mary Ellen has a long history of university degrees. For example, she earned a Nursing degree at St. Louis City HospitalSchool of Nursing, becoming a Registered Nurse in 1955. She further received a Bachelorof Science degree from Saint Louis University in 1962. On top of that, she earned a Master’s degree in Curriculum and Instruction at the University of Wisconsin-Madison in 1969 and earned another Master’s degree in Theology through Aquinas Institute of Theology, St. Louis, in 1990.
Her love of learning and her passion for assisting hurting people certainly helped us at our International Forgiveness Institute. She even arranged for funding when we needed it for international conferences. She helped with budget details and always supported new initiatives at our institute, especially those that focused on forgiveness for peace in world conflict zones.
Rest in peace, Sister Mary Ellen. Thank you for serving people all these many years, and for contributing to a better world through your passion for peace through forgiveness education.
