Archive for January, 2025

What does it mean to have a change of heart toward the one who offended me?  Can I just will this and, presto, I am changed?  Does it take a while, and if so, what is the endpoint to which I am striving?

A change of heart is a qualitatively new set of feelings and thoughts toward the one who offended you.  This usually is not some kind of instantaneous willed change but instead can take time.  The change of heart usually includes a slow transformation of anger to reduced anger, to a softened heart, which can include compassion or a willingness to suffer along with the other, who may be suffering from what was done to you or from being abused by others in the past.  As you see the other’s struggles and do not define this person predominantly by the unjust actions against you, this compassion can grow in your heart.  The endpoint is the cessation or reduction of anger toward the person and growing compassion for this person.

Thank you for your recent reply to my question about dictionary “definitions” of forgiveness.  I put that word in quotation marks because, from your thoughtful response, I don’t think they are definitions of forgiveness at all.  Here is another question I have: I then consulted a thesaurus for the word forgave.  The website said that the “strongest matches” are the words condone and excuse.  I now am wondering what your response is to this.

Thank you for your follow-up question.  Actually, to condone or excuse are distortions of what the word “forgave” means.  When we forgive other people, we focus on them as persons and not on the unjust actions themselves.  In other words, as we forgive, we do not say that what happened is all right or acceptable or worthy of not judging the actions as wrong.  Those actions should not be overlooked, but a new stance toward the person who engaged in the actions is the key.  Why should we not overlook the unjust behaviors?  It is because the person who engaged in them should strive to change the unjust behaviors.  If we overlook those actions in the name of a false forgiveness, the person might consider perpetrating unhealthy behaviors within your relationship.  In other words, the person might misinterpret your response as saying that you think the unjust behaviors are fine.  When you forgive, you call the behavior wrong, you do not condone or excuse, and you strive, out of a sense of mercy, to be good to the one whose behavior was not good for you.  Forgiveness then can be combined with justice, in which you ask the person to change the unacceptable behavior.

I recently consulted three different dictionaries on the definition of the word “forgive.” The themes were reducing resentment, ceasing to blame, and absolving a debt. Do you agree with these definitions of forgiveness?

No, actually, I do not.  Regarding “reducing resentment,” people can reduce resentment because they think the other person is not worth the effort or maybe is not quite human.  In other words, in condemning the other, the one who supposedly “forgives” feels better, but there is no sense of moral virtue in such responses.  Regarding “ceasing to blame,” when one forgives, one continues to know that what happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong.  What changes is one’s response toward the other person, which becomes more merciful and more compassionate. One can stop criticizing the other, but the idea that the other did wrong remains.  Regarding “absolving a debt,” when one absolves someone else from payment, this is more an issue of legal pardon than forgiveness and these are quite different.  One can absolve the other from payment and still loathe the other, which is not forgiveness because there is no sense of seeing the inherent worth in the other.  One can absolve a debt and be quite neutral to the other as a person.  In conclusion, all three dictionaries are handing out incorrect information about what forgiveness is.

I occasionally begin the process of forgiving someone but then decide I’m not ready to continue. Is this acceptable? If I tell the other person that I will attempt to forgive him, I almost feel compelled to continue. I dislike being coerced into doing something as intimate as forgiving someone.

I want to gently challenge your assumption. Just because you have decided to stop forgiving for the time being does not mean you are not actively involved in the forgiveness process. We occasionally take much-needed pauses as a result of that process.

Since forgiveness takes effort, please take a guilt-free break when you need it.

Consider it this way. Imagine that you have many days to do a cross-country bike journey. Have you stopped traveling once the first day is over and you’ve put your bike away and gone to bed? Naturally, the answer is that you haven’t stopped the actual bike ride. You’re just at a point in your journey where you need to take a break.

Consider forgiveness in this manner as well. The race to the finish line is not a sprint. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a journey that requires time, during which we rest. Don’t give in to the pressure to be forgiving all the time. You probably will enjoy the voyage more if you give yourself permission to take a break, regroup, and then continue.

Forgiveness involves change, but I find change to be scary.  I don’t understand my own situation, that change is scary for me.  What insights can you provide for me as I walk the path of forgiveness……and find it somewhat fearful?

For some people, keeping the status quo is comforting because it is predictable.  Change, in contrast, is not necessarily predictable.  We are not sure what our own inner world will be like if and when we forgive.  We are not sure what our relationship will be like with the one who is forgiven.  Yet, if you cultivate hope along with forgiveness, you then are likely to conclude this: Yes, I will change as I forgive, and that change is likely to be positive.  You can even lean on the scientific findings of people who have been treated deeply unjustly and have forgiven.  The science shows that the people end up with better mental health than before they started to walk the pathway of forgiving.  Let the science give you confidence that you can have hope for yourself in a positive way when you forgive.  Forgiveness also gives those who hurt us a new chance for a better relationship.  The future quality of that relationship is not only up to you but also up to the other to change for the better.