Consequences of Forgiving
Questioning the Ubiquitous Statement, “Forgiveness Is What You Do for Yourself, Not for the Other”
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In perusing the internet lately for news on forgiveness, I was faced at least occasionally with the statement in the title above. More than a few people post this idea that forgiveness is centered on the self and not no the one who behaved unjustly.
Let’s carefully examine this statement about forgiveness for the self and see how it goes.
If forgiveness is for ourselves and not for the one who behaved unjustly, then forgiveness is not one of the moral virtues along with justice, patience, compassion, and love if it is not “for other people.” So what is it? The “for ourselves” statement limits forgiveness to a self-help psychological strategy for emotional healing. It would seem that we are free to ignore, disregard, or show no concern for the people who have wronged us if they are not included in this healing equation. To forgive, then, could be to dismiss.
Such a perspective then takes away the paradox of forgiveness. The paradox is this: As we focus on the other person and strive for empathy, compassion, and a wider view of who this person is beyond the injustice, our own hearts begin to soften toward that other person. As the heart softens, the resentment, which is a nagging and persistent deep anger, begins to lessen. Over time, as we focus this goodness on the other it is we ourselves, as forgivers of the other, who begin to heal. Do you see the very large distinction between focusing on the other with a sense of goodness, which is the essence of forgiveness, and one important consequence of forgiving? The consequence, paradoxically, is that as we strive for goodness expressly toward the other person, it is we as forgivers who heal.
We must not confuse what forgiveness is with a consequence of what forgiveness accomplishes. Forgiveness is what we do in goodness toward the offending person. An important consequence of such a focus on the other is that we experience emotional healing.
Forgiveness Gives Light
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I was surprised this past summer when I read negative commentaries about forgiveness coming from major media outlets. As I argued on August 21, 2024 within this blog site, those criticizing forgiveness were misunderstanding what it is, confusing it, for example, with automatic reconciliation or being pressured into it as a norm that makes people miserable.
In this essay, I would like to take a different approach. Instead of dwelling on the darkness of misunderstanding, I would like to consider what forgiveness actually is when freely chosen and embraced by those who have been poorly treated.
Let us start with an analogy. We are in a dark room, and it is hard to see anything at all. In comes a little child who goes over to a bureau, picks up a candle, and carries it to you along with a match. “Would you light this candle for me, please?” the child requests. As you strike the match and unite it with the candle’s wick, all of a sudden there is bright light where there was darkness. You can see the smiling child clearly. You can see the paintings on the wall and the soft furniture, welcoming you to sit down and relax.
Forgiveness is like the lighted candle. At first, our hearts seem darkened by the injustices we suffer. That darkness almost seems as if it will be part of our identity, a part of who we are as persons. Yet, when we forgive, we offer goodness to those who have not been good to us. We offer them the light of a second chance. We offer them a view that they have worth despite what they did. We offer them light.
At the same time, and our science shows this over and over, as a person willingly and patiently gives this light of forgiveness to others, the darkness in one’s own heart fades, and the light of love can and does replace it. As that light shines onto the offending other person, it also finds its way into the hearts of our loved ones as we no longer displace our anger, our darkness, onto them.
As we give the light of forgiveness to others, that light can remain in their hearts and gives them a chance to pass that light of love to even more people. Have you ever thought of forgiveness this way? As you give the light of goodness to others, your light can be passed from one person to another, even from one generation to another. That one candle, lit in one dark room, can continue to shine across time and into many hearts.
Forgiveness is not the darkness of forced reconciliation or forced and phony empathy. When fostered and given freely to others, it is one of the most extraordinary forms of humanity.
Welcome to the light of forgiveness. May your light of forgiveness shine this Thanksgiving weekend…..and well beyond that to others.
Forgiveness Can Expand Your Vision
When we are consistently angry over deep injustices against us, it can narrow our vision. We think about the person and what happened, we dream about the person, we can become preoccupied with the past.
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In contrast, when we forgive, we see both a more complete person in the one who acted badly and an expanded hope for the future. As we forgive one person, we often are motivated to forgive others. As we continue to forgive, there often develops in us a motivation to assist others in their suffering. Our vision expands so that we see beneath the surface of others. We see their pain……and we want to help. As we continue to forgive and to aid others in their suffering, we can begin to expand our view of humanity, of who each person is as someone of inherent worth, special, unique, and irreplaceable.
As we forgive, we expand our vision of: a) the one who hurt us; b) hurting people in general; c) and humanity in general. The expansion tends to be what Lewis Smedes used to call “seeing with new eyes.” These are eyes of expansion, toward greater positivity and hope for humanity. These are eyes of expansion in seeing the self in new ways, with a new meaning and purpose in life for others.
Forgiveness is part of love and beauty and so as we forgive, we become more attuned to both love and beauty and want to contribute more of these into the world. The expanded vision does not lessen what happened, but it makes what happened more bearable as healing takes place and love expands.
Consider Giving the Gift of Forgiveness This Year
In the season of giving, one of the most beautiful gifts you might consider giving is forgiveness. The ideas that forgiving is a gift to those who have hurt you sometimes gets forgiveness into trouble. In other words, people think it is irrational to consider offering a gift to those who are unfair. The typical reasons for this resistance to forgiveness as gift-giving are these:
- It is dangerous to reach out to those who act unfairly because I am open to further abuse.
- My gift-giving might be a signal to the misbehaving others that their actions are acceptable, which they are not.
- Gift-giving to those who acted unfairly seems counter-intuitive to my own healing. I need to move on and not focus on this other person.
The ideas above can be countered this way: With regard to (A), you do not necessarily have to reconcile with an unrepentant person who keeps harming you. You can give your gift from a distance, such as a kind word about the person to others or an email so that you can keep your distance if this is prudent to do so. With regard to (B), you can forgive and ask for justice. Forgiving never means that the other just goes ahead as usual with hurtful behaviors. In other words, if you decide to forgive, you can and should ask for fairness from the other person. With regard to (C), forgiveness will seem counter-intuitive as goodness to those who are not good to you only if your focus is entirely on justice or a fair solution to the problem. If you begin to see that mercy (in the form of forgiving) and justice can and should exist side-by-side, then perhaps this idea of forgiveness as a contradiction or as inappropriate or as somehow odd may lessen in you.
Forgiveness can be a gift in these ways:
- As you forgive, you are giving the other person a second chance at a trustworthy relationship with you. Of course, trust takes time to develop, but forgiveness opens the door, even if a little, to trying the trust-route with the other who behaved unjustly.
- Forgiveness can be a merciful way of showing the other what the injustice actually is (or was), making possible positive change in the other. Those who behave badly and are offered this mercy may begin to see the unfairness more clearly and have the inner conviction that change indeed is necessary.
- Forgiveness can be a gift to yourself as you shed abiding anger that could have been yours for many years. You have a second-chance at stronger mental health.
- As you reduce toxic anger, this actually can be an aid in strengthening your relationships with people who were not the ones who acted badly. After all, when people carry around a lot of anger in their hearts, they can displace that anger onto unsuspecting others. Your forgiving one person, then, can be a gift to others who do not have to endure your displaced anger.
So, then, what do you think? Do you see that in the season of giving, one of the most beautiful gifts you might consider giving is forgiveness?
What Is the Difference: Our Forgiveness Proposals vs Social Justice Proposals for the Imprisoned?
Plato reminds us in The Republic that justice is giving people what is deserved. This can include both rewards and punishments. If Person A offers $100 to Person B for building a table, the receipt of the $100 by Person B upon the successful completion of the table is fair or just. If Person C is guilty of a traffic violation and the rules of the city require any violator of this kind to be fined $100, then it is fair or just if Person C gives up $100.
Social justice, while not always defined in the same way by all advocates of this approach, basically centers on equality of outcome. For example, suppose a pizza establishment will not deliver in a neighborhood in which there is high crime and two of their delivery people were killed trying to make deliveries there in the past year.
Because innocent people in that neighborhood are not treated the same as people in safer neighborhoods, this may be considered unjust by social justice standards. Why? It is because the innocent need an equal outcome, successful delivery of pizzas, compared to those in safer neighborhoods. That the risk for the deliverers is not deserved is not an issue here. For the classical sense of justice, what do the deliverers deserve? They deserve to be safe in terms of laws of probability for being safe. For the new social sense of justice, what do the deliverers deserve? Actually, the deliverers are not the focus now. The focus is on those who have no equality of ordering pizzas. There is a decided shift to one particular group and the emphasis on equality of outcome for them.
Now we are ready to show the difference between social justice for the imprisoned and forgiveness interventions for them. In social justice and in forgiveness, we both might focus, for example, on the childhood of Person D, who was abused by his father and now Person D has abused three children, for which he is arrested. Social justice, in focusing on his childhood, might have people see that Person D is not fully to blame for his actions, but instead his unfortunate background must mitigate the length of his sentence so that he is not unequally behind bars compared to others who were not abused and are not behind bars. The quest in this particular case is to alter the sentence and thus the time served.
For our forgiveness program, as we, too, focus on Person D’s horrendously unjust childhood, we try to help Person D, if he chooses, to forgive his father for his deep injustices. This process of forgiveness might reduce Person D’s rage and thus reduce his motivation to hurt others in the future. We do not suggest that justice now be altered. We focus on inner healing and not on altering the time he is to serve in prison. Justice in its classical sense is served in the forgiveness programs, while that classical sense of justice is not served when social justice is considered, at least in the example given here.
There is a substantial difference between forgiveness as a rehabilitation strategy for those in prison and the call to alter the sentence in social justice. If there is a call to reduce sentences without the concomitant attempt to eliminate rage, one has to wonder how just this solution is. Perhaps it is time to fold forgiveness interventions into the quest for social justice so that these work together. When a reduced sentence is going to occur, then it seems wise that the rage within first is reduced.
Robert
