Archive for February, 2025
Husband says he begged God to forgive his wife after she killed her four children and herself
Image by Raphael Brasileiro, Pexels.com
On February 19 of this year, Gina Vivinetto on the website Today (https://www.today.com/parents/tranyelle-harshman-murder-suicide-kids-rcna192839) reported on a tragic murder and suicide by a woman and her four children. The woman was suffering from both postpartum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The husband, Cliff Harshman, in an act of heroism, reported that he “begged God to forgive her” as Tranyelle was lying on her hospital bed. He said that he does not view her “as a monster” because she was both a loving wife and mother. He reflected on his wife’s struggles over the past five years, concluding that she was very troubled and was unable to overcome the psychological challenges.
Forgive and forget. I hear this so often. Do we forget when we forgive? If so, then how can we prevent the recurrence of others’ unjust behavior?
In my experience with helping people to forgive, I do not see that people literally forget what happened to them. Instead, I use the expression that people begin to “remember in new ways.” This is what I mean: The forgiver does recall the unjust behavior so that it does not keep occurring. Yet, in recalling what happened, the forgiver is not filled with dread or deep anger as may have occurred prior to forgiving. To remember in new ways is to protect the self from others’ harm without doing recurring inner harm to the self through intense and ongoing anger.
I became aware of how angry I am now toward my mother for how she dealt with me when I was a child. This occurred to me after reading your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice. Is it typical to be angry, yet to have no idea how angry you are?
Indeed, it is common to be angry and not be acutely aware of this. It is because of the psychological defense mechanisms, which include repression, suppression, and denial. If these defenses shield us from unpleasant emotions or thoughts when we are not prepared to face them head-on, then they are working in our favor. When these psychological defenses keep us from perceiving the reality of our anger, such as, “I have been treated unfairly, and I am furious about this,” then they might obstruct emotional healing. Therefore, psychological defenses can keep us from being overwhelmed in the short term. Long-term recovery from the impact of severe injustices begins with gradually realizing the intensity of one’s indignation, and this includes the lessening of the defense mechanisms that could prevent such important insights. When people begin to realize that there is a cure for intense, unhealthy anger, which is forgiveness, then there is a tendency to have those defenses lessen so that insight into the anger and healing from it can occur.
My boyfriend and I have been arguing lately, and I find myself bringing up past things that I thought were resolved and for which I believed I had forgiven him. Considering how often I bring up the past problems, do you believe I really have forgiven him for them?
Since you say that forgiveness is now a part of you, it appears to me that you have started the process of forgiving. Please remember that it is normal to still feel some pain from past injustices. If you want to lessen your excessive anger from those situations, then I suggest that you continue to forgive him for those past events, knowing that you already have made progress. Your being more forgiving should help you to no longer bring up those past events.
Lately, I have entered what you call the Decision Phase of forgiveness. In making the decision to forgive my former friend, I feel lighter, less angry. Might this be enough so that I do not have to then enter what you call the Work Phase of forgiveness?
Let us take an analogy. Suppose you decide to take out a membership in a health club to get in good physical shape. You feel good about your decision. Are you now in good physical shape because you will be taking out the membership, or do you have to open that gym door, use the exercise machines over time, and build your muscles and your endurance? Decisions alone will not make you forgivingly fit. Yes, you may feel good for making the decision, but now it is time to hit that forgiveness gym to become forgivingly fit.
