Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Where does self-forgiveness fit into anger at oneself or others?
We forgive ourselves when we have broken our own moral standards. Because it tends to be harder to forgive the self than other people, I recommend that you first forgive someone who has hurt you. Get to know the process of forgiveness this way. See how you broaden your view of this person and begin to see the person as possessing inherent worth, not because of the injustices but in spite of them. In self-forgiveness, yes, you are angry with yourself, but you will see as you now forgive yourself that even though you broke your own moral standard, you are a person of worth. As you see this, your heart likely will become softer toward yourself as you slowly develop self-compassion. As you do this you begin to lessen the anger. You then can stand in the pain of what you did so that you do not subvert yourself or take out your anger and disappointment on others. Then, try to give the gift of being kind and even loving toward yourself. As you do this, the anger toward yourself tends to lessen even more.
If I understand correctly, anger is an important step before the forgiveness process happens. What if someone has passive-aggressive anger? Is this all right to have?
There is a large difference between feeling the anger before starting the forgiveness process and acting on that anger. Passive-aggressive anger is directed toward others and should be resisted. The idea of “do no harm” includes the period in which a person feels initial anger, after experiencing injustice, and prior to forgiving.
Forgive and forget. I hear this so often. Do we forget when we forgive? If so, then how can we prevent the recurrence of others’ unjust behavior?
In my experience with helping people to forgive, I do not see that people literally forget what happened to them. Instead, I use the expression that people begin to “remember in new ways.” This is what I mean: The forgiver does recall the unjust behavior so that it does not keep occurring. Yet, in recalling what happened, the forgiver is not filled with dread or deep anger as may have occurred prior to forgiving. To remember in new ways is to protect the self from others’ harm without doing recurring inner harm to the self through intense and ongoing anger.
I became aware of how angry I am now toward my mother for how she dealt with me when I was a child. This occurred to me after reading your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice. Is it typical to be angry, yet to have no idea how angry you are?
Indeed, it is common to be angry and not be acutely aware of this. It is because of the psychological defense mechanisms, which include repression, suppression, and denial. If these defenses shield us from unpleasant emotions or thoughts when we are not prepared to face them head-on, then they are working in our favor. When these psychological defenses keep us from perceiving the reality of our anger, such as, “I have been treated unfairly, and I am furious about this,” then they might obstruct emotional healing. Therefore, psychological defenses can keep us from being overwhelmed in the short term. Long-term recovery from the impact of severe injustices begins with gradually realizing the intensity of one’s indignation, and this includes the lessening of the defense mechanisms that could prevent such important insights. When people begin to realize that there is a cure for intense, unhealthy anger, which is forgiveness, then there is a tendency to have those defenses lessen so that insight into the anger and healing from it can occur.
My boyfriend and I have been arguing lately, and I find myself bringing up past things that I thought were resolved and for which I believed I had forgiven him. Considering how often I bring up the past problems, do you believe I really have forgiven him for them?
Since you say that forgiveness is now a part of you, it appears to me that you have started the process of forgiving. Please remember that it is normal to still feel some pain from past injustices. If you want to lessen your excessive anger from those situations, then I suggest that you continue to forgive him for those past events, knowing that you already have made progress. Your being more forgiving should help you to no longer bring up those past events.
