I have forgiven him over the years and I thought I was over the anger. Yet, now that he is showing signs of coming back, I am enraged. Two questions: 1) Why would I be so enraged now after all these years, especially when I already have forgiven? and 2) What can I do about my anger? It is so intense it is scaring me. Please help me.
First of all, I congratulate you on your courage to admit your anger. You have endured much. Regarding your first question, I find that anger can intensify after the crisis is over. Your crisis was to try to live well without a father while you grew up. This undoubtedly put you under pressure some of the time in that people might have wondered where your father is, there could have been some embarrassing questions to you, and so forth. You were enduring. Now that you have “made it in the world,” after all, you are functioning well to be at a university, you are letting down from the crisis. Now your psychological defenses against the anger are lessening and you are being flooded with resentment.
First, please realize that this is not unusual and so please do not judge yourself as odd or unhealthy. At the same time, you recognize that the anger itself could make you unhealthy, could make you possibly lash out at others, and so you have to confront the anger.
May I suggest starting the forgiveness process with your father all over again. Start from square one where you acknowledge that you are angry. Acknowledge its power and even its power to hurt you or others. Then decide to forgive all over again. Then do the work of forgiveness as if you had never tried it before. You will surprise yourself with the positive results. How do I know? You have had positive results in the past.
Regarding your question 2, forgiveness will help, as I have already said and as you already know. In addition to practicing forgiveness, I recommend that you immediately begin to practice the virtue of humility, that quiet sense of deliberately avoiding arrogance or entitlement and cultivating a sense of meekness and lowliness. You are not doing this to let your father or anyone else walk all over you. Instead, you will be doing this so that you do not have the sense of now wanting to dominate your father as he comes to you perhaps in a broken and meek way. Meet him with a meekness of your own and see what happens.
