Archive for February, 2012
Dr. Enright Speaks at Padua, Italy Conference
On Saturday, Feb. 4, Dr. Robert Enright addressed an audience in Padua, Italy on the theme of healing through forgiveness. The audience consisted of people with an interest in using forgiveness as a means to become emotionally healthier as a result of injustices against them.
The largest reaction from the audience was their surprise about what forgiveness is and is not. The question and answer session (with answers from both Dr. Enright and Amber Flesch, IFI Forgiveness Program Manager) centered at first on this issue of the definition of forgiveness. Many said they thought forgiveness: a) included automatic reconciliation; b) was a simple–and distorted–idea of just saying “I forgive you,” and, c) encompassed just letting the offense go.
People seemed energized and happy to hear that forgiveness is a virtue, contered in mercy, in which one gives up resentment and offers goodness toward an offender, but does not include excusing, letting an offense go, abandoning justice, or automatically reconciling.
A Question for the Group
Here is a question that I get frequently: When I forgive, should I go to the person and let him or her know that I have forgiven? Can I forgive from my heart and not say anything at all about forgiveness? What if my saying something will only make things worse? Do I have to go to the person under this circumstance and say I have forgiven?
OK, rather than the IFI giving the answer, what are your views? Let us allow the answer to emerge from the discussion.
How do I know when I have truly forgiven someone? Sometimes I am still angry after I have worked through the process of forgiveness. Can you help me know when I have truly forgiven?
This is an important question precisely because many people hold onto at least a residual of anger when they recall deep injustices against them. Having some anger left over after you forgive is normal and not a sign of unforgiveness—-if—if the anger is not so intense that it is dominating your life. Is your anger controlling you or are you in control of your anger? If the latter, then take heart, you are probably on the road to forgiveness, especially if you have committed to do no harm back to the one who hurt you. Some of the best wisdom I have heard regarding when a person has truly forgiven comes from the late-great Lewis Smedes in his book, Forgive and Forget. He says that if you wish the other well, then you have forgiven. As a point of clarification, you need not wish the person well as your boss now or as your boyfriend now if reconciliation is not possible. As you wish the other well as a person, you have entered into the spirit of forgiveness.
