Author Archive: doctorbobenright
If someone hurt you but then says that they did nothing at all wrong, can you forgive? How can you forgive someone who looks you in the eye and denies any wrongdoing?
The question is important because of the confusion that might be engendered in the forgiver when the offending person claims innocence. A central issue here is this: The forgiver is the one exercising the virtue of forgiveness, which includes careful scrutiny regarding the other person’s right or wrong actions. It is part of the forgiveness process to determine this. Once the forgiver has determined wrongdoing on the other’s part, of course, this conclusion is open to revision based on new evidence. So, please try to think of the offending person’s challenge as an opportunity to further scrutinize his or her act to ascertain wrongdoing. The person could be correct, in which case there is nothing to forgive. If, however, you as forgiver once again examine the behavior and conclude that it is an injustice, then you should go ahead with forgiveness regardless of what the other person (or anyone else) says. Do not let a contrary opinion or consensus keep you from the truth of what is right and wrong. Do not let the opinion or consensus keep you from forgiving if you continue to conclude that there was injustice.
Just Checking in Regarding Your Unfolding Love Story
On January 19, we posted a reflection on our blog site in which we encouraged readers to grow in love as their legacy of 2012. We said this:
“Give love away as your legacy of 2012.
How can you start? I recommend starting by looking backward at one incident of 2011. Please think of one incident with one person in which you were loved unconditionally, perhaps even surprised by a partner or a parent or a caring colleague. Think of your reaction when you felt love coming from the other and you felt love in your heart and the other saw it in your eyes. What was said? How were you affirmed for whom you are, not necessarily for something you did? What was the other’s heart like, and yours?
It is now about a month-and-a-half later. Can you list some specific, concrete ways in which you have chosen love over indifference? Love over annoyance? If so, what are those specifics and how are they loving? We ask because 2012 will be 25% over at the end of March. Have you engaged in 25% of all the loving responses that you will leave in this world this year?
Tempus fugit. If you have not yet deliberately left love in the world this year, there is time…..and the clock is ticking.
Finding Meaning in Suffering: I Am Someone Who Can Love Despite Hardship
Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the Holocaust and a world renown psychiatrist, made the point that the only ones who survived concentration camp were those who somehow could find meaning in what they suffered. Those who saw their suffering as meaningless died.
In other words, finding meaning in this case meant to find life. What fascinates me about Dr. Frankl’s observations is that finding any meaning seems to count in staying alive. Whether a person saw the suffering as a way to toughen the self, or as a way to reach out to other suffering people was not the main point.
I wonder now, in reflecting on Dr. Frankl’s broad view of meaning in suffering, whether he had it entirely correct. Yes, it may be the case that any meaning can keep a person alive. Yet, what kind of meaning in suffering actually helps a person to thrive, not just to live? Perhaps people thrive only when they derive particular meaning from suffering. Of course, we do not know for sure, and any comment here is not definitive because it is open to scientific investigation and philosophical analysis. With that said, I think that when people realize that suffering helps them to love others more deeply, this is the avenue toward thriving.
How does suffering help people to love more deeply? I think there are at least three ways this happens: 1) Suffering makes people more aware of the wounds that others carry; 2) Suffering makes people more determined to help those others bind up their wounds, and 3) Suffering gives the sufferer the courage to put into action these insights and motivations to make a difference in the lives of others.
As people love in this way, there are characteristically two consequences which help them to thrive: 1) Those who deliberately love in the face of suffering grow in character, each becomes a better person, and 2) The recipients of this love-in-action have their well-being enhanced. As those who suffer see the fruit of their loving actions, this increases satisfaction with life, increasing thriving.
When we have been treated unjustly by others, this is an occasion of suffering. Let us cultivate the habit under this circumstance of finding this meaning: I have an opportunity now to love those who have hurt me. The one avenue to loving the unjust is to forgive them. Let us remember this meaning to forgiveness: “In my forgiving, I am someone who can love despite hardship.” As we say this routinely and come to know it is true, we may find that we have been given an opportunity to thrive as persons.
says to you, ???I do not deserve to be forgiven. I do not ask for forgiveness. I do not want forgiveness. Please do not forgive me. It will be an injustice to me if you forgive me.??? Now what? Can the person forgive or should he or she respect the person???s wishes?
This question is asking what is more important: to stand in the truth of what forgiveness is or to honor a person’s own idiosyncratic notion of what forgiveness is. We should opt for the truth every time regardless of another person’s reaction. Surely, we are aware that it is not an injustice to forgive anyone. If we put it in a different context, what if some says, “Please do not be fair to me. I do not seek fairness. I do not want fairness from you.” Would you refrain from being fair to that person? Of course not. Why would it be any different with forgiveness? Stand in the truth that forgiveness is good and true. At the same time, you do not have to announce to a reluctant person that you, in fact, have forgiven him. You can demonstrate that without words, with a smile, a warm gesture, and similar overtures of forgiveness.
Dennis
Our 15-year-old son was killed when the car he was riding in was broadsided by a vehicle that ran a stop sign at 55 mph. Our son’s best friend and the mother of our son’s girlfriend were also killed in the crash. The driver of the other vehicle, a young man on his way home from a wedding reception, and his girlfriend who was riding with him, were not injured.
My immediate reaction to the senseless tragedy was to get revenge. I wanted to kill the driver who so carelessly killed our son. I thought about buying a gun to carry out my “make him pay” mentality, especially after a jury somehow found him not guilty of all charges related to the crash.
Although I never purchased a gun, I was tormented for years with the hatred I felt for the man who ended my son’s life so prematurely and my desire for revenge. Those negative emotions turned me into a bitter, resentful and unhappy person. They were, in effect, controlling my life and impacting the failing relationships I had with everyone around me. My life was miserable.
After years of anguish, an astute physician at the VA Hospital helped me discover a weapon much more powerful than a gun–the power of forgiveness. After recognizing the damage my emotional state was causing to my health, he referred me to a counselor who patiently walked me through the steps in Forgiveness is a Choice by Dr. Robert Enright. The path to forgiveness outlined in that book was one of the most difficult journeys I have ever undertaken because it focused first on me and not on the one who initially caused my grief.
By choosing to forgive the offender, I gave up the bitterness and resentment I felt for him that was so negatively impacting only my own life, not his. By forgiving him, I freed myself.
