Author Archive: doctorbobenright
Your Unfolding Love Story
We have come to a new year. Let us gently move forward one year from now to January 1, 2013. Let us do a mental exercise and pretend that 2012 is now over—gone forever. What you have said and done has now gone out to others for good or for ill. Regrets? Guilt? Remorse? These could be part of the package as you reflect back on 2012 on the first day of 2013. How have you lived in 2012? What could you have done to make the world a more loving place?
Back to present-day January 2012…now is your chance to open the door of opportunity to this New Year. An opportunity to fulfill your January 1st, 2013 hopes and dreams that you just reflected on—to make them whole, peaceful, joyous and a reality. Despite the unforeseen trials and hardships, regardless of others’ injustices and unfairness, you have the power to make the year 2012 a triumph of love worth remembering and celebrating next January 1st of 2013.
You are not the master of your fate in that you can prevent the unwanted. You, however, do have a strong influence on all of this if you make a commitment with me now to love. 2012 will be the year that you grow in love, give love to others, give love to those whom you do not think necessarily deserve it. The kind of love connected to forgiveness is that which serves–out of concern for the other. You have within you now the capacity to give this love freely, without cost, without anyone earning it. Go ahead, try it. Give love away as your legacy of 2012.
How can you start? I recommend starting by looking backward at one incident of 2011. Please think of one incident with one person in which you were loved unconditionally, perhaps even surprised by a partner or a parent or a caring colleague. Think of your reaction when you felt love coming from the other and you felt love in your heart and the other saw it in your eyes. What was said? How were you affirmed for whom you are, not necessarily for something you did? What was the other’s heart like, and yours?
This kind of love will not necessarily be a two-way street in 2012. You may have to extend the love through forgiveness, a hard but joyous road. Forgiveness is part of your unfolding love story. Forgiveness, which serves the other through compassion and gentleness, is not always reciprocated. Yet, one thing is certain: When others reflect upon 2012 in early January, 2013, they will remember your kindness, your unconditional love, your forgiveness. They will see who you really are. And as for you? Well, you will have added a chapter to your unfolding love story. How do you think that will feel?
Welcome to 2012. The International Forgiveness Institute is here to support you as you add a new chapter to your book of life.
If I hadn’t learned to forgive, I may not even be alive today.
Read the dramatic story of Jayne Valseca whose treatment at Cancer Treatment Centers of America included forgiveness therapy. Watch a short video about the amazing power forgiveness has had on her life and on those around her. You’ll be amazed. Click here.
Once I forgive, can the feeling of anger return? If it does, do I have to start forgiving this same person for this same injustice all over again?
Not only might anger return after you forgive, it is likely and so please do not be thrown by this when it happens. We are imperfect and so we forgive imperfectly.
When Suzanne Freedman and I studied incest survivors who forgave their perpetrators, one important observation that we eventually made was that the courageous incest survivors, once they had forgiven, did not have high scores on the forgiveness inventory which we gave to them. Instead, they tended to get average (not outstanding) scores on forgiveness. Yet, this was sufficient for them to become emotionally healed (depression and anxiety were significantly reduced and self-esteem and hope for the future significantly rose). They still had some anger, but it was not unhealthy anger, the kind that can poison a person’s psychological insides.
Do you have to start over again if the anger returns? It depends on whether or not the anger is now the unhealthy kind (causing you to lose energy and sleep and making you irritable in your relationships) or whether it is healthy anger (motivating you to do good in the world). If it seems to be unhealthy anger, then, yes, start the process of forgiveness again with this same person and same injustice. In all likelihood, your second time forgiving may be easier and quicker than the first; the third time easier and quicker than the second.
To have to persevere in forgiving is not dishonorable nor is it a sign of failure. Instead it is a sign of courage and perseverance in the face of difficulty.
What Does Forgiveness Have to Do With Depression?
Forgiving is vital to overcoming depression, according to a number of researchers and authors. Robert Enright, among other researchers, found that college students were less forgiving and more anxious than their parents. Why? Because their parents had learned to forgive. Read the full article here.
Anonymous
My first experience with personal healing coming from forgiveness happened in 1994, more than 17 years ago. I was directed into specific forgiveness by my sister, Dr. Annette Cargioli, D.C. She had learned to connect the pathways of emotions, illness and non-forgiveness in a powerful way. So powerful was the release and change in my mind and body that I continue to remember it, and have continued to learn and share these techniques with others.
My problem at the time was binge eating chocolate chip cookies. Annette ‘worked’ on me for about 40 minutes. She identified the conflict in my mind that kept me locked into this self-sabotaging binge-eating. She directed me with forgiveness statements about my true identity, and my self-damaging need to keep myself hurting and sick. She also used magnets placed on areas of my body. I felt emotions well up. I cried and then felt relief and change in my mind. I was not convinced at that moment I would not binge again.
I went home feeling lighter, and I had no need to binge for the next 10 months! This was huge for me. At the next episode of binge eating, I called Annette and she continued to work with me using forgiveness of my self-held beliefs to help me completely heal my cookie binge eating and over the next 4-5 years several other eating disorders I had came to the surface and left me. Now, I have a ‘normal’ relationship with food, and I’m soooo grateful for Annette saving me from my own self-destruction.
