Author Archive: doctorbobenright

On Being Gentle with Yourself when Hurt by Others

Guarding against your own false accusations against yourself is very important. At the same time, please add the practice of being gentle with yourself.  By this I mean, try to foster a sense of quiet within, an acceptance of yourself within.  Try to respond inwardly to yourself as you would toward someone whom you love deeply.  In other words, allow yourself to be imperfect and when you are, please guard against a harsh inner voice that condemns.  You have been wounded and so you need that sense of self-acceptance in all aspects of your life right now.

The next time you make an error, be aware of how you are talking to yourself internally.  Check to see if you are using the inner-whip against yourself and then stop this immediately.  Instead, please turn to this: I am wounded inside. I do not need another wound, especially one that is inflicted from within.  It is time to be gentle with myself.

Robert

Please convince me that forgiveness is not some kind of a cop-out. As I see it, when people forgive they are avoiding conflict. It seems to involve a lack of courage.

Forgiveness is a response to injustice and as such it never ignores justice.  Instead, it is a response of mercy in the face of such injustice. To give mercy as a conscious choice when experiencing another person’s injustice is a heroic act of virtue, hardly a lack of courage.

When people practice forgiveness, they do not ignore justice, but instead give mercy and strive for justice at the same time.  The justice sought is likely to be good because it is not mingled with resentment.  Thus, forgiveness hardly is a cop-out.  Did I convince you?

Think about the recent tragedy of mass shooting that happened in California. The mass shooter felt inferior and disrespected by others due to his short stature. It seems that he did have real experiences of being bullied in the past, but what if there were someone who could not really recall being bullied by others but still had serious anger toward a specific group of people because of their potential mistreatment (or historical mistreatment)? Another similar example is this: Think about a racial minority who does not think that he has ever been mistreated due to his racial background (or cannot recall such an incident), but he knows that those with the same racial background as his are often mistreated by others. He now has serious anger toward a certain group of people; his anger is real and is directed toward certain people. Is forgiveness still relevant in this case without a specific incident of injustice? Is it possible for someone to forgive unknown others? If yes, how would that process of forgiving unknown others look different? Thank you very much for your time.

Philosophers talk about secondary forgiveness in which Person B forgives someone who hurt his family member, Person A.  Person B is legitimately hurt, although not directly, by the injustice perpetrated on Person A.  Thus, he has a right to forgive if he chooses because he has been indirectly hurt by the injustice.

In the other example, of an ethnic or racial minority who has not been directly hurt, the norms of a given society still can be hurtful to his group.  Thus, this person can forgive the abstract entity of society.  The process can be more difficult because it is so abstract.  One cannot see the norms themselves, only the outcome of those norms (such as behavioral or verbal disrespect).  The forgiver may not even have specific people in mind and thus the process begins and ends with this abstract entity of “society.”  Other than the one or ones singled out for forgiving, the process would proceed similarly to that in which Person B is hurt by Person C and then forgives Person C.

Forgiveness as Preventing Further Chaos After the Original Injustice

An admired colleague of mine lost her child to kidnapping and murder when the child was just entering her teenage years.  This event was so shocking, so vicious that it started to enter into the mother’s heart.  She said that she would have gladly killed the man if she could and would have done so while she smiled.  Yet, in time she realized that her entire being was being transformed by the effects of the resentment living within her….and she did not like at all who she was becoming.

The killer was about to take a second victim, the mother, as she emotionally degenerated because of the stress and monstrous nature of the act.  She chose to forgive instead and her life took on great meaning.  She became a conduit of good for her other children.  She began to show them a new way, one based on goodness instead of the absence of goodness.  The children were able to see this new way and to take that goodness into their own hearts.  A life of meaning and purpose in service to others grew in the heart of the family.

The killer did not claim them as other victims and there was triumph.  The mother came to realize that  profound injustice can kill without even touching another–but it did not happen here.  There is something so powerful about realizing that forgiveness helps us stand against the chaos of cruelty and triumph over it even when the grave injustice has had its way for a while. It no longer continues to have its way because the absence of good (the chaotic injustice) is met by goodness itself and goodness is the one that seems to win in the long run.

Robert

Sometimes I just want to give up because forgiveness is so hard to accomplish. What do you suggest when forgiveness is really hard like this?

Forgiveness is never easy when the injustice is strong and the hurt deep. So, please know that you are not alone. There are several approaches you can take.  First, you might want to start by forgiving someone else who is easier to forgive as a way to build your confidence.  Also, are you expecting to be done with the forgiveness process in a short amount of time?  If the hurt is deep it can take months of steady effort to forgive. Finally, I urge you to look toward the fruit of your forgiveness: lower anger, more hope.  As you see these as endpoints to your forgiveness it might strengthen your will to persevere.