Author Archive: doctorbobenright

I understand that forgiving is not pardoning, but is there an aspect of pardoning in forgiveness? When the language of forgiveness is used, it’s often taken by many that the forgiver no longer seeks restitution or recompense. In this case, it’s not an inner release but a decision not to seek revenge or recompense of the damage done. Then, although it’s not a matter of legal pardoning, can it be a matter of canceling the offender’s responsibility to repay? Is there any way to distinguish forgiveness as a moral virtue practiced toward persons versus forgiveness as a cancellation of the offender’s responsibilities to repay (e.g. physical materials or physical harms)? Is there a difference between when you say you forgive the offender or his/her offenses? Thank you.

These are very interesting distinctions worthy of further thought and discussion.  For now, let me say this: When a person forgives another he or she does not necessarily cancel the need for recompense.  Recompense is an issue of justice and so it seems to me to be perfectly reasonable to forgive and then ask for recompense.  For example, suppose someone drove your car without permission and dented the fender.  Your forgiving the person would not cancel the recompense of his/her now paying the body shop bill.  Yes, there can be an aspect of pardoning if the forgiver chooses not to seek the recompense (such as not asking the person to pay the bill), but this is not part of the essence of what forgiveness is.

With regard to the final issue of forgiving offenders or offenses, forgiveness is always person-centered.  Thus, we forgive persons and not offenses.  We forgive persons because of offenses, but we do not forgive the offenses themselves.

When You Forgive, You Do Not Accept the Situation

I recently was talking with someone who said that her therapist is helping her to accept what happened to her in childhood. When we have been traumatized, we should not expect ourselves to accept the situation. No one, for example, would expect an abuse victim to accept what happened.

Forgiveness is not about accepting situations. Why? Because forgiveness as a moral virtue is centered on persons and not primarily on situations. All moral virtues, whether it is love, justice, kindness, patience, or any other, is a form of goodness for other people’s good. We are not kind to tornadoes, for example.

When we forgive, we reach out to persons, those who did wrong. We work at accepting the humanity in that person, despite what he/she did. We do not accept what he/she did.

When therapists ask traumatized persons to accept unjust situations, they may be asking the impossible, which could lead to frustration and even guilt in the client. After all, if I am supposed to accept that I was brutalized, and then cannot accomplish that, I might feel inadequate. Clients need to know that it is not their job to accept situations, but instead to work on accepting the inherent worth of all persons, even those who are unjust.  Even this thought takes time and effort, but is achievable with persistence and a good will.

Robert

The Superficial Self-Help Advice to the Lovelorn: Don’t Care So Much

I was listening to a self-proclaimed self-help “expert” today.  His goal was to try to help those who have lost in love to remain psychologically whole or to become whole once again.  The gist of his advice was this:  Break the attachment so that you care less than the partner cares.  This diminishes his or her power over you.  When we attach to others, it is then that we are vulnerable to suffering.  Detach and then you automatically will suffer less.

But the big questions for me on this advice are these:

Is suffering so bad that we cannot love others in a deep way?

Why view relationships in terms of power and then possessing the power as a way to heal?

Finally, is a world of detachment meaningful and purposeful compared to the healthy attachment of genuine love and service to the other?

Suffering is not to be avoided at all costs.  If there were no ways out of suffering and if suffering crushed all of us all the time, then this would be different.  Yet, we all can grow through suffering by becoming more patient, more mature in our character, and more sensitive to the suffering in others.  Suffering is not the enemy.  No, suffering should not then be sought, but when it comes, there are solutions and one of them is to practice forgiveness.

Are relationships defined primarily by power?  If so, then both partners are missing out on one of the richest, most beautiful experiences on this earth: to step outside of a predominant self-interest to the kind of love that serves and in the serving gives joy.  All of this likely is missed by too many who view the world from a power lens because power is intent on dominating, not serving.  When was the last time you saw true joy on the face of someone who dominates?

Detachment in the name of avoiding suffering is to play it safe.  It is like taking your $100 and putting it in the ground so that you avoid losing it.  If, instead, you are not detached in this world and take the risk of investing that $100 it could grow where you can help others.  Detachment is passive and ultimately joyless.

Don’t care so much?  No thanks.  I’ll take risks and see love as a way to serve.  In that service there may be suffering, but joy is likely eventually to grow.  I will take joy over safety every day of the week.

Robert

On the Importance of Perseverance when Forgiving

Many people get quite excited about forgiveness at first and just dive into practicing it, only to lose interest after a few months.  They literally just let it fade from their minds and hearts as they go on to the next popular diversion in life.  In other words, they do not have a strong will to keep forgiveness before them as a practice and as a way of seeing the world.

This could happen to you.  A commitment to forgive does not just mean a short-term commitment toward one person who has hurt you in one particular way.  Commitment has a must longer reach than this.  Would you become physically fit if you worked out several times a week for three months and then hung it all up?  Of course not.  It is the same with forgiveness.  You have to fight against the tendency to just let it fade in you.  You will have to fight against all of the distractions of life that call you away from it.

Robert

So, Then, Does Forgiveness Education Work?

Short answer: Yes.

Some of our latest findings, soon to appear on this website, are these:

A recent study on forgiveness education, published in the Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, was done with middle school students in Korea who are bullied and who do the bullying.  The results showed that our forgiveness program helped these students reduce in anger and hostile attribution, and increase in empathy. Their academic grades improved and they reduced in behavioral aggression and delinquency. Some of these adolescents were in a correctional facility for their aggressive behavior.

And here are some quotations from school administrators and teachers who have used our forgiveness education curricula:

“The work of Professor Enright has helped us develop the life skills of hundreds of children in North Belfast and is continuing to impact on their lives.” Claire Hillman, Principal, Ligoniel Primary School, Belfast, Northern Ireland

“As teachers we are always promoting the positive attributes and virtues we wish those in our care to portray. The Forgiveness (Education) Programme consolidated our aspirations for kindness, generosity, sharing and understanding. It gave us an extra tool to enhance our pupils’ experiences.” Gary Trainor, Vice Principal, Mercy Primary School, Belfast.

Students celebrate “Forgiveness Class Graduation”
      at Holy Family Primary School in Belfast

Dinah McManus, Principal, Holy Family Primary School, Belfast, has  dubbed Holy Family as a ‘Forgiving School’ because they have imbedded the virtue of forgiveness into their school ethos. Mrs. McManus states, “I can say with confidence and some pride that in creating a ‘forgiveness ethos’ in Holy Family we have provided our children with a very nurturing environment which reflects the essential elements of our Mission Statement: We are a living Faith community, centred on the Gospel values of love, justice and forgiveness, within which each member of our school community is valued and respected.”

“The Forgiveness Education Programme has spent the past ten years dedicated to helping children, schools and communities develop a better understanding of what it means to value all people, to understand our own and others’ humanity and to practice respect, kindness, generosity and forgiveness.” Becki Fulmer, The Corrymeela Community, Belfast

“I will continue to teach the program every year until I retire as I only see HUGE positive life-changing behavior changes in the students who are touched by the program. My wish is that all students in Milwaukee Public Schools and other districts could be touched in some way by the powerful message the program delivers.” Amy Domagalski, teacher, Milwaukee Public Schools