Author Archive: doctorbobenright
I am in a relationship with a man who is verbally abusive to me. No matter how hard I try and no matter how much I ask, he keeps it up. His own father was gruff and so he kind of inherited this. I am at my breaking point with him. What do I do?
First, you have to protect yourself. From your question, we cannot determine the depth of the verbal abuse. Please assess this first. Regarding his behavior toward you, it looks like he has unhealthy anger toward his father. We suggest that you bring up this issue to your partner. You might even want to show him this post. If he can work on forgiving his father, he is less likely to displace that anger onto you. As he learns to forgive, he will learn more respect and love, which we hope he gives not only to his father but also to you.
So, Do We Forgive Evil or Persons Who Perpetrate Evil?
Consider this quotation from the late great Dr. Lewis Smedes:
When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it.
I am sure that Dr. Smedes was being poetic to drive home a point about how we are to respond to evil. He was not being literal.
If this is the case, then we need to ask this: Why do we forgive persons and not evil per se? The answer lies in what the essence of forgiveness is. It is a moral virtue and all moral virtues flow out from us to others—to other people—for their good. We are just or fair so that people can live a good life of order rather than chaos. We are patient so that people can correct imperfections, as only one example of how patience is used for good.
When we forgive, it is directly for the other, for the one who was unjust. It gives him or her a chance to correct the evil, to reach for the higher aspects of what it means to be human. Evil is not an entity. It is not a thing. We cannot interact with it. We surely experience its effects, but there is no interaction with it. Instead, there is interaction with people who house the evil, who give it a chance to exist as a deprivation of the good.
Thank you, Dr. Smedes, for your poetic image. It has helped us deepen our understanding of forgiveness.
Robert
Your Unfolding Love Story Continues
Memorial Day: a chance to reflect on those who gave of themselves for causes larger than their own survival. We thank you for leaving a legacy of love. Now it is our turn. Shall we strive to leave our own legacy of love on this earth?
The time is shorter than we think. If we could ask each of those whose lives we honor on this Memorial Day, do you think they would say that their span of life was exactly as they had expected? In all likelihood, no.
We can start making a difference even today in adding to our Unfolding Love Story. Whom will you serve today? To whom will you extend love, perhaps in an unexpected way so that you leave that person with a smiling heart?
Adding to your Unfolding Love Story awaits. Please do not delay.
Robert
You Are a Person: You Are Not Your Pain
When someone asks about you, do you state your career or perhaps where you are in school? You are more than your career.
Do you state your age or where you live? You are more than these.
If someone asks you how you are doing and you are in emotional pain, do you make the mistake of defining yourself by that pain?
You are more than your career or your age or where you live or the amount of pain you are in.
Who are you? Yes, all of the above characteristics are part of who you are, but who are you really?
You are a person who is special, unique, and irreplaceable. There is no one just like you on the planet. You have inherent (built-in) worth because you are a person.
You have the capacity to love and to overcome emotional pain through love and forgiveness.
You are much more than your pain….and so is the one who has caused you the pain.
Robert
Isn’t self forgiveness just a trick we play on ourselves to reduce guilt so we can keep doing silly things? Forgiveness is for others, isn’t it?
As there is false forgiveness when we are forgiving other people, there is false forgiveness when we forgive the self. False forgiveness toward others is insincere and meant to manipulate rather than to uplift in goodness. For example, a false form of forgiveness might be to continually remind someone that he or she has been forgiven as a way to dominate. False self-forgiveness also is a form of manipulation in which we let ourselves off the hook so that we can continue with the unfair behavior.
Genuine self-forgiveness is the expression of the moral virtue of mercy toward the self. We express moral virtues all the time toward the self: we are fair to ourselves (justice), we care for our physical needs (love), and we sometimes have to wait under certain circumstances (patience).
We have to be careful when we self-forgive also to bring justice into the situation. If we have mercy on ourselves because of an injustice that we ourselves created, then we must correct the injustice. This might include going to others and apologizing and making the situation right.
Based on the above analysis, genuine self-forgiveness is hard and sincere work, not a trick we play on ourselves.
