Author Archive: doctorbobenright
What is the difference between letting go of your anger and forgiving a person?
When we forgive, we tend to let go of most or sometimes all of our anger. When we let go of our anger we do not necessarily forgive. For example, we can let go of anger and dismiss a person as unworthy of our respect or love. Forgiveness, on the other hand, strives to respect and love those who have hurt us. Forgiveness never condemns a person for an unjust act. At the same time, forgiveness does acknowledge unjust acts as wrong.
When I was 16 I got pregnant to my 21 year old boyfriend and since the beginning my parents and family prohibited me to see him. I always had a grudge on them for being the reason my daughter ,now 3, doesn’t have a father figure in her life. I was previously under alot of emotional stress where I became suicidal and thank god I’m fine now but I still have that anger and grudge feeling, how can I her rid of it because I know that all they’ve done was be supportive but I don’t know how to forgive them.
First, I am sorry for your difficulties with your parents. This has been very hard on you. You are seeing that your parents and you have had different values regarding your seeing the father of your child. A key here is to see that both of you have good reasons for your decisions. In your case, you wanted your daughter to have a father. In your parents’ case, they wanted to protect you. Your decision to forgive them is a good one because, as you know, your intention to have a father for your daughter is an honorable intention.
This decision to forgive is courageous and it may take some time. We have a step-by-step process for forgiving that is described in my new book, The Forgiving Life. Because you are raising a child alone, I would like to send you a free copy of that book. If you feel comfortable doing so, please leave your mailing address with our director (director@internationalforgiveness.com). I will see to it personally that you receive the free copy of the book. As you read it, please ask questions here and we will help you.
Thank you for your courage.
Should We Talk about Forgiveness in the Context of a Loved-One’s Suicide?
While in Northern Ireland last week, I gave two invited talks on the topic of forgiveness in the context of a loved-one’s suicide. Suicide, especially among young-adult males, is a serious and growing problem there. I made the point that there are at least four scenarios with moral import surrounding this issue:
1) Some people who have lost loved ones in this way will reason that suicide is not immoral. Therefore, they will see no need to forgive because no injustice occurred;
2) Some people who have lost loved ones in this way will say that suicide is not immoral, but they are most likely in denial because their reasoning is not clear and their emotions are raw and angry;
3) Some will say that suicide is always wrong because it is always wrong to take an innocent life, including one’s own;
4) Some will say that the act of suicide itself is not morally wrong, but the consequences of doing so are wrong because those left behind have had love taken from them.
My linking forgiveness with suicide will have direct relevance for those in situations 2-4, but not in situation 1 above. Those in situation 2 might get very angry at me (and some did) for even mentioning the issue of morality and forgiveness in the context of suicide because they harbor worry (about the loved one’s eternal salvation, as an example) and they may harbor some guilt (in that they did not do enough to prevent it). People in this situation 2 want to distance themselves from the worry and/or the guilt. A talk on forgiveness and suicide does not help them to distance from these issues.
Those in situations 3 and 4 tend to seek relief for their own bitterness and anger. They are often angry at the deceased and they can be angry at others who did not do more to help. They also can be angry with themselves for a number of reasons, including their extreme emotions such as hatred or their reasoning that they could have done more. In these cases, it seems that it is worth hypothesizing that forgiveness education and therapy could be helpful in restoring emotional well-being.
What I found interesting is that some (a rare few) in situation 2 were adamant against my speaking at all about this topic. They were offended by the talk. It is as if I have no right to speak about a link between suicide and forgiveness and no one else has a right to hear about it or to work in a psychological sense on their own emotions.
So, here is my recommendation. Let us respect each person as a person and let us respect each one’s choice to hear or not to hear such information. Some will choose not to hear, but they should not condemn those who do. Some will choose to hear, but they should not condemn those who wish not to hear.
This is an important and sensitive area. We must move forward to help those who seek help through forgiveness and we must do so with gentleness and respect for all.
R.E.
The Call for Forgiveness in Nigeria, a National Pain Reliever
Nigerian Tribune. Saturday, June 23 2012. Peter Salawu, a college student at Federal Polytechnic Bida, Niger State, called on the people of Nigeria today to consider forgiving one another as a way to quell bomb blasts and other acts of aggression in his country.
“Let us remove thoughts of revenge from our hearts and begin to love unconditionally; it heals our relationship and lives. Think of forgiveness, not so much as an act, but as a lifestyle. Try to forgive and forget, let by-gone be by-gone. Enough is enough of bomb blasts and terrorism in our beloved country, Nigeria.”
According to Federal Polytechnic Bida student Peter Salawu, “To ensure a better Nigeria, let us learn how to forgive and bury the hatchet and let the sleeping dog lie, because nothing good comes out of revenge, rather it complicates issues by making people kill their fellow brothers without having a rethink.
“I used to think that by withholding forgiveness from my offenders they would suffer. I later realized that I was the one suffering when I finally understood the power of forgiveness, it was truly enlightening. I discovered that I have a lot more freedom, felt happier and focused.”
Pat
I was 6 1/2 years old. It was late summer and I was outside alone wearing a Tee-shirt and shorts. We lived in a suburb of Los Angeles. Our driveway separated our neighbors’ grass. The lady next door came out of her front door with a plate in her hands. She walked down the 3 steps from her porch and came directly toward me. She had cookies and wanted to know if I would like one. I looked and said yes. But instead of giving me one right away, she backed up toward her house all the way up the stairs and into her house.
I followed slowly and hesitated before going into her house. But my focus was on getting a cookie so I kept following her into the house. I was led by her down a dark hallway to a left turn where she disappeared from sight. When I stepped into the room, I saw a man lying naked on a bed and suddenly the lady was violently yanking off my shorts and underwear and T-shirt.. She brutally sexually assaulted me causing me a lot of pain and bleeding. Then she picked me up like a sack of potatoes and violently threw me on the bed causing my joints to all feel like they were coming apart. Then the man put his knees on both sides of me and hit me hard in the ribs and back. Then he laid on top of me so I couldn’t breath and hurt me trying to penetrate me. He hurt me a long time. I just closed my eyes. They insulted me and made fun of me.
Finally, the man finished and left me alone for a moment. He rolled over and got something off a table next to the bed. It was a knife. He pit the knife to my throat and said if I told anyone what happened he knew where I slept and would come into my bedroom at night and cut my throat. He repeated this several times while pressing the knife hard against my throat and then slid the knife across my throat cutting it from side to side deep enough to make it bleed, but not pour out blood. They kicked me out saying I was stupid and an idiot. I had a terrible time getting my clothes on and couldn’t open the door. And each second they were more threatening and saying things to me to scare and intimidate me.
I never said anything to anyone for over 40 years. I hate these people for what they did to me that day and for messing up my life; living in fear and being filled with rage. But I need to let this go and get on with what is left of my life and that is why I told my story here.
