Author Archive: doctorbobenright

I run a business and most of my employees are men. I was thinking of holding a forgiveness workshop in the firm, but I am concerned about the reactions I will get. I think you know what I mean. We have had “diversity training” and “sensitivity training” somewhat forced on us. Will the guys in particular think the forgiveness workshop is just one more imposition for them?

“Diversity and sensitivity training” sometimes makes employees angry because such training can imply that any given employee is not sensitive to others. When employees do not share such an implicit message, then attending a workshop like this can appear to be something forced on them.

A forgiveness workshop does not imply that a given employee is insensitive or disrespectful. Instead, the point of such a workshop is to help any employee who is resentful, with the possible consequence of coming to work with low morale, to overcome this sometimes debilitating resentment. Forgiveness presents a problem (excessive anger) and then presents a scientifically-tested solution (forgiving those who have been unjust to the employee).

If you think about it, a forgiveness workshop gives the exact opposite message of sensitivity training. It is the employee who is treated unjustly and who seeks a solution when we shine the light on forgiveness. In contrast, it is the employee who is implicitly judged as being the unjust one when he or she is asked to undergo diversity and sensitivity training.

If you approach the forgiveness workshop with an attitude of “Come, see what this is about; you can take it or leave it after you hear the message,” then your employees may be more receptive. Forgiveness is not forced on anyone, or at least it should not be. Forgiveness is each person’s individual choice to try or not. If the men in your company have some anger that is getting in their way, all you are doing is offering a way out of that anger.

Forgiveness Is Good Business

I just came back from giving a three hour workshop for people who run family-owned businesses. The purpose of the workshop was to show:

1) that anger in the workplace is pervasive and can affect morale and productivity, which research shows;

2) that forgiveness is one solution to this problem because forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger which can directly affect morale and productivity;

3) that as people learn to forgive, then they may become better workers as well as better people;

4) that once people forgive the individual hurts that each encounters, then they might consider creating a forgiving community in the workplace.

The Forgiving Community in the workplace could be developed by putting ideas about forgiveness in any printed matter that describes fairness and honesty in the workplace, by leadership talking positively about forgiveness, and by supervisors mediating conflicts between employees with forgiveness themes as well as with the usual conflict resolution themes. Brining experts into the company from the outside by offering workshops on forgiveness could be considered as a way to give this message to all in the company: We care about the work climate and we care about your emotional health.

The feedback that I received from some of the 100 people in attendance was this: The discussion of forgiveness in the workplace is unique. Most had never heard a talk on it before and they thought it was relevant and important for their businesses. This seems like a new frontier worth pursuing in an organized, scholarly, and careful way.

R.E.

Dan Erickson

My story is too long to share in this forum. I was the child victim of a cult. It took me years to work through my feelings of hate and anger. I’ve recently published a book: A Train Called Forgiveness. Learn more at http://www.danerickson.net

Dancing in Your Dreams

What do you dream of?

I’ve seen people do some funny things in their sleep. Recently on an overnight trip, I was awarded the amusement of seeing my friend and roommate for the night, Molly, a professional ballerina, dreaming of what she loves doing most…dancing. This was apparent by the graceful rising and falling of her leg suspended behind her in mid-air. What a lovely dream she must be having, I thought.

Are your dreams full of dancing and merriment like my friend’s?

Or, are there signs of distress and despair such as the case in Michael’s story recounted in the book, “Forgiveness is a Choice” by Robert Enright (p. 180)?

“Michael describes his sense of well-being in terms of his dreams. Following his father’s physical abuse, he had been tormented with two decades of nightmares in which he hurt others.” After forgiving his father, Michael writes, “I began very quickly to lose episodic nightmares and began to dream more happily in color.”

Could a lack of forgiveness be contributing to a lack of happiness in the dreams, thoughts, and attitudes of your unconsciousness?

Our unconscious thoughts deeply affect our outlooks, perceptions, and attitudes of every day life – our levels of stress, emotional peace, our interactions with others, and our physical health. Our dreams can be one sign pointing to an underlying discontent due to past hurts or injustices that we have chained ourselves to. An unhealthy lifestyle can be another sign as it was for Felicia. Here is the testimony she gives after forgiving her mother:

“Yes! Release and liberation, emotional and physical. An internal peace, relaxation, openness, acceptance of myself and others. A new sense of purpose and exploration. No more excessive alcohol use. Better eating and exercise patterns — lost about 20 pounds. I’m enjoying life and its challenges more. Also, seeing the beauty around me instead of ‘burying’ myself with my eyes closed!”

What are the signs of discontent in your life?

How are the chains of resentment and pain from past hurts keeping you from dancing, enjoying life, and reaching your full potential?

But more importantly, are you willing to set yourself free from those chains?

I hope so…and I hope you believe you are worth it; You deserve enough happiness and peace to be dancing in your dreams!

Amber Flesch

My boss lies to me persistently. I have, however, no definite proof. He tells me that I am paranoid and imagining things. He has sent me to the College doctor for a check-up, even though I perfectly well. The situation is complicated by the fact that do I have a psychiatric history. How does forgiveness work in this situation? My boss would say there is nothing to forgive, given that he hasn’t lied to me (lying again). Jonny

The first issue here comes down to this: Who is perceiving the reality of this situation correctly, the boss or you? Are you sure he is lying, given the context of his denial? Is there a way to confirm his lying through confirmation with a colleague? Is there any possibility that you have misunderstood something about the boss and so you are incorrect about his lying? This is the first step, to determine the truth of your observation. It is important for you to do so because of the disagreement that you and he are having. There is nothing dishonorable about your being wrong about this. If you are right, it is courageous to forgive.

Let us now suppose that you have determined as objectively as you can that the boss lies. You now have a list of times he lies, including his denial of lying. I would start with the least objectionable lie and forgive him for that. The path to forgiving is outlined for you in my new book, The Forgiving Life, especially chapter 10. After you become familiar with the forgiveness process, I recommend that you forgive him for one more specific lie. From there, you might consider forgiving him for his pattern of lying, including the most recent incident of denying that he lies.

All of this is dependent on your thinking through exactly what your boss does in the lying and how this in fact adds up to lying on a consistent basis. I would proceed with forgiving only after you are convinced that you are the one who is correct.