Ask Dr. Forgiveness
If someone hurt you but then says that they did nothing at all wrong, can you forgive? How can you forgive someone who looks you in the eye and denies any wrongdoing?
The question is important because of the confusion that might be engendered in the forgiver when the offending person claims innocence. A central issue here is this: The forgiver is the one exercising the virtue of forgiveness, which includes careful scrutiny regarding the other person’s right or wrong actions. It is part of the forgiveness process to determine this. Once the forgiver has determined wrongdoing on the other’s part, of course, this conclusion is open to revision based on new evidence. So, please try to think of the offending person’s challenge as an opportunity to further scrutinize his or her act to ascertain wrongdoing. The person could be correct, in which case there is nothing to forgive. If, however, you as forgiver once again examine the behavior and conclude that it is an injustice, then you should go ahead with forgiveness regardless of what the other person (or anyone else) says. Do not let a contrary opinion or consensus keep you from the truth of what is right and wrong. Do not let the opinion or consensus keep you from forgiving if you continue to conclude that there was injustice.
says to you, ???I do not deserve to be forgiven. I do not ask for forgiveness. I do not want forgiveness. Please do not forgive me. It will be an injustice to me if you forgive me.??? Now what? Can the person forgive or should he or she respect the person???s wishes?
This question is asking what is more important: to stand in the truth of what forgiveness is or to honor a person’s own idiosyncratic notion of what forgiveness is. We should opt for the truth every time regardless of another person’s reaction. Surely, we are aware that it is not an injustice to forgive anyone. If we put it in a different context, what if some says, “Please do not be fair to me. I do not seek fairness. I do not want fairness from you.” Would you refrain from being fair to that person? Of course not. Why would it be any different with forgiveness? Stand in the truth that forgiveness is good and true. At the same time, you do not have to announce to a reluctant person that you, in fact, have forgiven him. You can demonstrate that without words, with a smile, a warm gesture, and similar overtures of forgiveness.
My husband of 17 years had an affair. The other person became pregnant in effort to keep him. I reconciled with my husband as we have three children of our own. This other person lives in the same small town as we do, and has no respect for myself or my children. My anger and inability to forgive, move on is eating me alive. I’m becoming desperate for help. I just want to resolve it within myself so I can resume living again.
There is great hope for you to forgive and move on because of your strong motivation to do so. A willingness to forgive is part of the process of healing and you most certainly have that will. Because the other person lives in the same small town as you, it becomes more of a challenge. Note carefully that I am not saying your level of forgiveness will be lower because this is a challenge. I am only saying that you will have to work at the forgiveness every day—-every day.
I recommend that you start with my book, The Forgiving Life. The exercises for forgiving the person are in Chapter 10, The Forgiveness Pathway. It would be best to start with Chapter 1, which helps you to first explore the love that you have within you. I start there to fortify you, to make you stronger, before you forgive someone who has hurt you so deeply. Please then read Chapter 2, If You Are Traumatized. It may answer some of the tough questions about forgiveness for you. I urge you to then read Chapters 3-7 and then turn directly to Chapter 10.
Elicit help from your husband on this. You say you are reconciled with him. He therefore will be your helpmate on this. Talk with him about what you are experiencing especially with your responses to Chapters 1 and 10. These are the keys for you (learning to let love grow in you and then practicing forgiveness).
Every time you think about or see this person, I strongly recommend that you begin practicing forgiveness (from the material in Chapter 10). Persevere in this and never give up. Your strong will is important in this effort. You will prevail. Please contact me again to let me know how it is going.
When does it become necessary to forgive? What I mean is this: I can let a lot of injustices roll off of me as I forget them or move on. So, how do I know when to start forgiving as opposed to just letting it go? And, when should one take action—stand up for your rights—rather than forgive?
When you ask, “When does it become necessary,” that word *necessary* has at least two connotations. The first connotation centers on the necessity to practice forgiveness simply because it is good to do so; it is virtuous. The second connotation of the word *necessary* centers on your well-being, on your health.
Let us start with the first issue. Because forgiveness is a virtue and because it is always good to practice the virtues (in balance with other virtues), then it follows that whenever you are treated unjustly, and whenever you are motivated to do so, it is then important to forgive. Is it necessary? Yes, if your goal is to grow as a virtuous person (growing in goodness and love, for example). Is it necessary from the viewpoint of society—demanded, in other words? No, society does not demand our forgiveness and so your forgiving is not *necessary* in that you must do so or face some kind of penalty.
Now let us focus on the second meaning of *necessary,* the context in which your health may be compromised. If you are feeling resentment and deep anger is starting to affect your level of energy, your concentration, and your sense of happiness (even a little), then it is time to forgive. Is it necessary? For good health, psychological and physical, yes. We have found no better remedy than forgiveness to the disquiet that can visit us following unjust treatment.
Your final question dichotomizes forgiveness and justice. You seem to assume that you have to choose either forgiveness or justice. You can and should exercise both at the same time. Forgive the person, for example, who is insensitive to you and correct him. As you forgive, the correction is likely to be more gentle than if you approach him as you are deeply angry.
Forgiveness is not the only way to move on from tragedy. Can’t one move on by standing up to life, holding a grudge, and marching forward. Aren’t there hundreds of ways to get over injustices and forgiveness is only one of them?
Forgiveness is one of many ways to deal with tragedy, but some ways are more effective than others. Forgiveness has been shown through scientific investigations to be a particularly effective way to heal from trauma.
As an example, Suzanne Freedman and I published a study in 1996 in which we studied woman who were the victims of incest. All of the women came to us with psychological depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and a lack of hope for their future. Each one of these women had tried a variety of ways to heal emotionally prior to engaging in forgiveness therapy, yet nothing was particularly effective for them. Following the forgiveness therapy, which was one-on-one with Suzanne for one hour a week for about 14 months, those who had forgiveness therapy improved significantly in their emotional health compared with those who were in the control group (with no forgiveness therapy).
Then the control group participants began forgiveness therapy and after 14 months of forgiveness therapy, they too showed significant emotional improvement. Forgiveness as a way of dealing with deep trauma is worth taking seriously if emotional healing is the goal or one of the goals.
