My husband of 17 years had an affair. The other person became pregnant in effort to keep him. I reconciled with my husband as we have three children of our own. This other person lives in the same small town as we do, and has no respect for myself or my children. My anger and inability to forgive, move on is eating me alive. I’m becoming desperate for help. I just want to resolve it within myself so I can resume living again.

There is great hope for you to forgive and move on because of your strong motivation to do so. A willingness to forgive is part of the process of healing and you most certainly have that will. Because the other person lives in the same small town as you, it becomes more of a challenge. Note carefully that I am not saying your level of forgiveness will be lower because this is a challenge. I am only saying that you will have to work at the forgiveness every day—-every day.

I recommend that you start with my book, The Forgiving Life. The exercises for forgiving the person are in Chapter 10, The Forgiveness Pathway. It would be best to start with Chapter 1, which helps you to first explore the love that you have within you. I start there to fortify you, to make you stronger, before you forgive someone who has hurt you so deeply. Please then read Chapter 2, If You Are Traumatized. It may answer some of the tough questions about forgiveness for you. I urge you to then read Chapters 3-7 and then turn directly to Chapter 10.

Elicit help from your husband on this. You say you are reconciled with him. He therefore will be your helpmate on this. Talk with him about what you are experiencing especially with your responses to Chapters 1 and 10. These are the keys for you (learning to let love grow in you and then practicing forgiveness).

Every time you think about or see this person, I strongly recommend that you begin practicing forgiveness (from the material in Chapter 10). Persevere in this and never give up. Your strong will is important in this effort. You will prevail. Please contact me again to let me know how it is going.

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Categories: Ask Dr. Forgiveness