Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I am curious. Suppose you could give just one piece of advice about forgiveness to the world. What would that one particular gem be?

Wow…..This is a tough question…..OK…..Let me think……Here is the advice: As you forgive, please learn to love more deeply because forgiveness is about loving those who have not been showing love to you. As you love, let it grow in you and give that love to others. I think this will lead to a better world.

My partner has a tendency to scream and then defend the behavior as if it is ok as long as he is frustrated. When i explain to him that his reactions are inappropriate, he gets even madder. He thinks he has a right to this kind of stuff. Because he is not open to change I am getting worried. If I forgive how is that helping him to change?

You are aware that your partner has an anger problem needing work. Forgiveness does not directly address that issue. Forgiveness will help you to reduce your own anger at his anger. Your forgiving him may help him to quiet inside at least temporarily. Yet, he needs work on his anger in addition to your forgiving him. I suggest that you practice forgiveness and then when your feelings are calm, approach him when all is going well. Explain as calmly and as directly as you can that he has a problem in need of being addressed. Please point out that this does not mean you are condemning him or that he is a bad person. We all have our weaknesses and anger outbursts are one of his. Support him as he adjusts to this truth. He and you together should examine what in the past has led to such anger within him. He, too, needs to forgive someone (or perhaps more than one person). Your examining that and his forgiveness may work wonders for the control of his anger now.

I am stuck. I just can’t seem to progress in forgiving my father from years ago. I have examined my anger and it is considerable. When I feel this anger it is hard to go forward because of it. What do you suggest?

First, you should realize that your acknowledging the anger is a big step. Sometimes people have difficulty seeing this because they are afraid of the anger. We are not supposed to be angry or we are not supposed to be angry with certain people. Be encouraged that you have broken through the psychological defense of denial.

Many people say that the next step after acknowledging the anger is the hardest. That step is the decision to forgive. It is like starting a new exercise program, for example. The thought of going to the gym, taking out the membership, and getting started can be confusing and challenging. You are not alone in feeling some apprehension with this new step of deciding to forgive. Exercise the virtue of courage as you move forward and you will no longer be stuck as you decide to engage in the process of forgiving your father.

I’ve come with a question about bearing pain – I get the goodness in not passing it back to the injurer or onto others – but don’t quite understand what I actually do with it when I’m bearing pain? Is it about my perception of the pain changing from being ‘negative pain’ to ‘positive pain’ and is that a healthy path to go down?

When we use the term “bearing the pain” we do not think that it has to include a re-interpretation of the pain in its initial stages. The key is this: a) realize that you are in pain; b) realize how much pain you are in; c) be willing to stand with that pain no matter what. In other words, you are accepting what is happening to you so that you do not deliberately or unwittingly give that pain to others.

Later in the forgiveness process you will begin to see new meaning for your life as you bear the pain. ??You see that you are growing stronger. You see that you can overcome tremendous pain. ??You see that you can be a conduit of good for others. ??These new meanings take time to emerge. ??A first step is to accept the pain as it is and through the process of forgiveness this pain starts to diminish and then leave.

How does one go about forgiving those who perpetrate evil? I can see forgiving those who are insensitive or who have made a mistake, but what about those who plot mayhem and carry it out? It seems like forgiveness asks too much of us at that point.

You raise an issue that has long been debated regarding forgiveness. Some say that it is improper to forgive those who perpetrate evil. Yet, what do we make of those who have, such as Eva Mozes Kor who forgave the “doctor” who experimented on her twin sister and her at Auschwitz? What do we make of Nelson Mandela who forgave his jailer of 20 years? What about all of the heroes in our News section of this website who forgive those who perpetrate evil?

Our point is this: Some do forgive those who perpetrate evil and we should respect their right to do so. Some are not ready to forgive and we should not condemn them. After all, they likely are in great pain.

For those who wish to forgive others for horrific injustices, we recommend starting now, before the horrific event. Build up your forgiveness muscles with smaller injustices so that you are ready when the big ones come. It is like being asked to run a marathon. It is far more manageable if you have trained for it than if you have to get up off the couch and now run one for the first time.