Ask Dr. Forgiveness

What if there is no justice in place to protect you? Perhaps, it is a problem with justice not forgiveness, but do you still recommend forgiveness even if justice is not available to protect you? Why or why not?

Are you asking this?—What if the boss is obnoxious and you want to leave?  The old job with this boss is bad for you and there is no better job on the horizon.  Might forgiving the boss keep you in an unhealthy job?  I do not think that forgiveness is a weakness here.  You can forgive and then perhaps, with reduced anger, ask for a more just situation with the boss.  In this case, forgiveness may help you to seek fairness where, right now, justice does not exist.  Your trying to **create** a just situation, after you forgive, may be your protection.

If I forgive over and over, might the one forgiven start taking advantage of me? Might it be better to take a longer time to forgive so the other has to wait for it and realize they hurt you?

Aristotle reminds us that no moral virtue should ever be practiced in isolation from the other virtues.  If this is true, then it is true of forgiveness as well because it is moral virtue.  The key moral virtue that should accompany forgiveness is justice so that we are not exploited.  Thus, we need not wait to forgive lest the other take advantage of us.  We can forgive now and ask for justice now.  When we forgive, our request for justice might be kinder than if we were burning with resentment.

Forgiveness does not mean staying in an abusive relationship, right? What if the offender is your boss? You want to forgive him/her, but not to get hurt again, you now want to leave the relationship–not without a consequence though because now you’re losing your job. Perhaps, I can ask the same question regarding married couples too. You forgive your abusive partner, but not to get hurt again, you want to leave the relationship, which oftentimes has many negative consequences. Justice is to be practiced alongside forgiveness, but what if you lose more (and are wronged further) by practicing both forgivenss and justice?

The key words in the question are these: “but not to get hurt again.”  When we seek justice we do not necessarily have as our goal “not getting hurt again.”  If we fail to try to reconcile because of possible hurt, then we are misunderstanding what it means to reconcile.  Most people will get hurt by bosses and spouses again because we are all imperfect.

I think the key to an answer here is this:  Does the offending person show the “three r’s” of remorse, repentance, and recompense?  In other words, is there inner sadness (remorse) for what he or she did?  Is there language that suggests this sorrow (repentance)? And is there an attempt by the offending person to do something about a grave offense (recompense)?  Yes, there may be negative consequences when quitting a job or leaving a marriage and so one must not do so too quickly and especially because of the issue of being hurt again.  If the offender consistently offends and shows no hint of instituting the “three r’s,” then staying in the job may be more hurtful than leaving.  In the case of marriage, if the other is a consistent offender over a period of years, say, and is showing no hint of “the three r’s,” then one has to question whether there is a valid marriage, which, depending on one’s particular religious beliefs, can be determined by religious authorities.

Making a decision to go ahead and forgive is hard. Even when I try to “will” myself to forgive by saying over and over, I will forgive,” I have a hard time doing it. What can I do when I do not feel like forgiving so that I can make that important decision to go ahead?

To forgive is a difficult task and so we sympathize with you.  If you are having a hard time forgiving a particular person, try to forgive someone else first, someone who is less challenging because the injustice might not have been as severe.  As you learn the path of forgiveness and get better with practice, then turn your attention to the one who has hurt you so deeply that it is hard to start the process.  This kind of practice may help you work up to forgiving this one person who is posing such a challenge to you.

What is the best way to become motivated to forgive? I need a little help in even starting because of all the hurt inside.

Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it is an expression of goodness toward other people (as is justice, kindness, and generosity).  Yet, one’s initial motivation can be one’s own inner emotional healing.  As long as you do not confuse what forgiveness **is** with this motivation, you should be fine.  As you continue with the forgiveness process, you will begin, even if slowly, to see the humanity in the one who hurt you.