Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Isn’t self forgiveness just a trick we play on ourselves to reduce guilt so we can keep doing silly things? Forgiveness is for others, isn’t it?
As there is false forgiveness when we are forgiving other people, there is false forgiveness when we forgive the self. False forgiveness toward others is insincere and meant to manipulate rather than to uplift in goodness. For example, a false form of forgiveness might be to continually remind someone that he or she has been forgiven as a way to dominate. False self-forgiveness also is a form of manipulation in which we let ourselves off the hook so that we can continue with the unfair behavior.
Genuine self-forgiveness is the expression of the moral virtue of mercy toward the self. We express moral virtues all the time toward the self: we are fair to ourselves (justice), we care for our physical needs (love), and we sometimes have to wait under certain circumstances (patience).
We have to be careful when we self-forgive also to bring justice into the situation. If we have mercy on ourselves because of an injustice that we ourselves created, then we must correct the injustice. This might include going to others and apologizing and making the situation right.
Based on the above analysis, genuine self-forgiveness is hard and sincere work, not a trick we play on ourselves.
I have seen some of your writings in which you talk about the Family as Forgiving Community. Would you please tell me more about what this means with some examples, please?
The Family as Forgiving Community was addressed in detail in an April 14, 2012 post in this column.
If you have further questions after reading that post, please let us know.
Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. Only the brave will be able to forgive. Then, how about seeking forgiveness? When do you seek forgiveness? Is seeking forgiveness a good way to attempt reconciliation? Is it appropriate to seek forgiveness, even when you’re not sure what you did wrong, so that reconciliation might become possible between the two?
Seeking forgiveness and forgiving are both part of the pathway to reconciliation. You ask an intriguing question: What if the other is offended by me and I truly think I have done nothing wrong? We recommend saying something like this: “I am sorry that I hurt you when I did X. Would you please consider forgiving me for this?” As you can see, you are not admitting guilt, but instead you are expressing a truth that you feel badly that he or she was hurt by your actions. This may start the process of reconciliation.
I have heard people say that forgiveness is like giving someone a second chance. Is this what forgiveness is, or are these two ideas different?
When we forgive, we are indeed giving the other a second chance. We are extending mercy to the one who was not merciful to us. Yet, our forgiving does not necessarily lead to an actual second chance because sometimes the other rejects our offer. So, forgiveness is the offering of a second chance. The realization of that second chance now depends on both people accepting that mercy and coming together again in mutual respect.
You talk about “forgiving communities.” What are some of the dangers in introducing such communities too soon in the home?
Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it is not a dangerous idea or action. ??What is dangerous is the all-too-human trappings surrounding forgiveness. Some of these dangers include: 1) forcing children to forgive rather than helping them to be drawn in love to it; 2) misunderstanding forgiveness as reconciliation so that children are not protected as they think they have to re-enter unhealthy interactions, such as with those who bully them; 3) so over-emphasizing forgiveness that children put aside the quest for justice; and 4) introducing forgiveness-as-a-forgiving community out of grim obligation so that children see your frustration with the idea of forgiveness.
If you avoid these traps and approach forgiveness with a loving heart, the family should benefit. ??We recommend what we call “The Family Forgiveness Gathering” in which you discuss (once a week for about 15 minutes) the themes of hurt and mercy which occurred that week for each person (who wishes to share this).
