Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I am in an ongoing relationship with a man who is basically good, but he tends to be subtly snide, kind of doing a slow burn so often. How can I forgive him when he keeps being mildly insensitive over and over and over again?

It sounds as if his behavior is annoying but not harmful based on what you say. If he were abusive, this is different from being “subtly snide” or “mildly insensitive.” Please keep in mind that forgiveness does not mean that you throw justice out the window. You can forgive and keep working with him on how he communicates, with an eye toward mutual respect in the communication.

All of that said, it is important to realize that forgiveness in this context is very important as a way for your resentments not to become too deep. Try to forgive as soon as he is insensitive and try to make this an ongoing habit. It is more difficult to forgive, I find, when people have offended us multiple times. The 20th time is harder than the first time because we expect it to end and when it does not, anger can build. So, the steady practice of forgiveness can be a counter to his steady “mild” insensitivity. In other words, forgiveness can be a protection for you and, with reduced resentment, a means of helping you to ask for justice in a positive way.

I was deeply hurt by some words my best friend said to me. She kind of shocked me, actually, by what she said. I immediately said that I forgave her for that. Now I am wondering if I acted too quickly. Can a person forgive too soon?

A person can forgive falsely too soon, but there is no such thing as forgiving in a genuine way too soon. By falsely forgive I mean a kind of forgiveness that is insincere, done more out of pride or expediency rather than out of a heart-felt sense of compassion for the one who was unfair. We can forgive a boss who asks us, if this means keeping our job, while all the time we are fuming inside. This is not genuine and will likely not be helpful for either the forgiver or the forgiven.

On the other hand, there are actually documented cases of quick forgiveness of people who have perpetrated horrendous injustices. Here is one example: Corrie Ten Boom survived a concentration camp during World War II. She wrote a book, The Hiding Place, about her experiences.

Following the war, she was in a German church talking about the virtues of forgiveness. After the talk, people came up to greet her. Much to her horror, the SS officer who abused her years ago extended his hand to her, asking for forgiveness. She did not want to grant it. She then said a quick prayer and, as she reports, she felt something like an electrical surge go through her right arm and so she was able both to shake his hand and at the same time to offer a love for this man that surprised even her. Without debating the issue of prayer here, she did experience something that day that was genuine forgiveness and was both sudden and complete.

The more you practice forgiveness, the more easily you will be able to practice it in a genuine way, at least at times and for certain circumstances.

How strong does a person have to be to forgive? It seems to me that it takes strength, maybe too much strength, to forgive someone who has been profoundly unfair. It almost seems unfair to expect forgiveness under this circumstance. Forgiveness asks too much of a person.

This question shows remarkable insight. We humans can get very enthusiastic about a new diet or a new exercise program or any other kind of discipline, only to fade out after a few weeks. To forgive one person may not take a great deal of will power to complete because the forgiver is focused, is doing something novel (and what is novel usually holds our attention if the activity is worthwhile), and is helpful to the forgiver. Yet, what of the second or third or tenth forgiveness attempt? It is here that we need what I call in my book, The Forgiving Life, a strong will–the kind of will that stays at the task even when it is hard to do so. At the same time, we should not continue the forgiveness journey (the second, and third, and tenth forgiveness effort) alone. We need a workout buddy. We need support. Try to find another or others who will support you and whom you can support in the forgiveness effort. Then your will can be bolstered, made stronger, by the other’s strong will and vice versa. It takes this kind of will to be physically fit. It takes this kind of will to be forgivingly fit.

I have done a lot of forgiving in my time. There is one person whom I just can’t seem to forgive. I am very hard on her. The problem is that this person is me. How can I forgive myself? Any hints on this would be greatly appreciated.

You are not alone when you say it is hardest to forgive yourself. Most of us are harder on ourselves than on others. So, welcome to a large and not-so-exclusive club.

The pathway to forgiving oneself is actually not that different from forgiving other people. That pathway, of forgiving others, is discussed in detail in the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice. I recommend that book because the forgiveness pathway described there has the most scientific support of any forgiveness model out there.

OK, now to self-forgiveness. When you forgive yourself, the complication is that you are both an offended person and an offender. At the very least, you have offended yourself, you have broken your own standard in what you did or said. And, I might add, we rarely offend ourselves in isolation.

So, a first step may be to go to those whom you have offended and say you are sorry and ask for forgiveness. Please realize that those whom you approach may or may not be ready to give the gift of forgiveness. Thus, please be patient and understanding.

A second step then is to offer to yourself in forgiveness what you offer to others when you forgive them—compassion, gentleness, understanding, and love. Yes, even love. Give yourself permission, as an imperfect person, to love yourself despite what you did to offend yourself.

You are larger than your actions and words. You are more important than only your unjust words and actions, as is every person in the world. Allow this perspective toward yourself to gently wash over you until you believe it. This is the essence of self-forgiveness.

I have heard the term “false forgiveness,” but I am not sure what it is and how can I make a clear distinction between the false variety and the real thing?

False forgiveness in essence is not about a moral response to someone who has hurt you. It is more about power than leveling the moral playing field (seeing the other and the self as precious, unique, special, and irreplaceable). There are two kinds of power-plays that someone practicing false forgiveness might show: 1) dominating the other person by constantly reminding him or her that, indeed, you have forgiven….and plan to do so tomorrow…and the next day…and the day after that. You keep the other under your thumb by reminding them of how noble you are and how ignoble they are; 2) being dominated by the other person by giving in to unreasonable demands, hastily reconciling, letting the other have power over you. True forgiveness is gently and kind, honoring the humanity of the other person and the self. It does not dominate or allow others to dominate in a relationship.