Our Forgiveness Blog

Forgiveness Without Humility

What Does Forgiveness Look Like Without Humility?

The philosopher and theologian, Augustine of Hippo, once said that humility is so important that it shapes all other virtues. Without humility, he reasoned, all other virtues only look like virtues, but are not.

If this is correct, then what might forgiveness look like without humility?

Four answers come to mind:

1) Without humility one could become afraid, fearing rejection from the other as one tries to offer the olive branch of forgiveness. Forgiveness then is silent.

2) Without humility one could become arrogant, thinking of oneself as better than others because, “Oh, what a good and virtuous person am I.” Forgiveness then is loud.

3) Without humility one could become condemning of the other. After all, he or she hurt you and you will not stand for that. Forgiveness then is dismissing.

4) Without humility one could become entitled. If I go to the trouble of forgiving, then the other had better pay me back in some way, with remorse, an apology, and affection. Forgiveness then is demanding.

Forgiveness with humility levels the moral playing field and so we can move ahead despite possible rejection, in a quiet way to honor the other, in a loving way as we see the other as possessing inherent worth, and with gratitude knowing that it is a privilege to offer such a gift to another.

R.E.

What if…..

…..many children in oppressive environments were able to learn about forgiveness, starting at age 4 and continuing to age 18;

…..prior to marriage, each one did the work of forgiving people from the family-of-origin, thus reducing or even eliminating significant sources of anger and angry interaction patterns;

…..schools could be places not only of learning obedience, cooperation, and fidelity to assignments (and other expressions of justice) but also were places infused with mercy;

…..justice systems imbedded restorative justice and themes of mercy into that system;

…..each person who chose to do so cultivated the “softer” virtues of forgiveness and love each day;

…..each person who chose to do so asked, “What will be my legacy? What will I leave behind when I die?” and the answer was, “Goodness”?

What if I told you that all of this is possible?

R.E.

Forgiveness Is Not a Gift We Give to Ourselves

In doing some blog searching today, I came across this quotation: “Forgiveness is not something good we give to the other person, but a gift we give to ourselves.” I have seen this numerous times in different places and it is not correct. Forgiveness has been seen as a moral virtue for thousands of years. Every moral virtue, without exception, is focused on giving goodness to others. Think about justice and kindness and generosity and love as just a handful of examples of moral virtues. When you are being fair, are you primarily being fair to yourself? Stopping at a stop light while you are driving a car is an example of being just or fair. Are you stopping your car for fairness to you or to the driver who is driving through the green light and could be injured by your lack of justice? When you are being kind, doesn’t there have to be another person to receive the kindness? That virtue is not exercised for the self. What about generosity? Don’t you have to reach out to another person to be generous? And love requires another to love. Yes, we should love ourselves, but in the context of extending love to others. We do not hold love tightly for the self.

The quotation above does not imply that one forgives for the self and for others, but exclusively for the self. The author of the quote unambiguously states that forgiveness “is not something good we give to the other person.” We supposedly hold it tightly for ourselves. How can this be a moral virtue if no other virtue you can name does likewise, save the goodness for self alone?

Either forgiveness is a moral virtue or it is not. If it is, then it’s goodness has to flow out from self to others for their good. A consequence of forgiving is stronger emotional health for the self, but this is a consequence and not an essence of what forgiveness is at its core.

The author of the quotation has confused the essence of what forgiveness is with one (and only one) consequence that happens (at least some of the time) when we forgive. Sometimes we feel better when we forgive. Scientific studies support this statement. We must be careful not to say then that forgiveness is—in its essence—a gift we give to ourselves.

R.E.

Forgiveness Is Good Business

I just came back from giving a three hour workshop for people who run family-owned businesses. The purpose of the workshop was to show:

1) that anger in the workplace is pervasive and can affect morale and productivity, which research shows;

2) that forgiveness is one solution to this problem because forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger which can directly affect morale and productivity;

3) that as people learn to forgive, then they may become better workers as well as better people;

4) that once people forgive the individual hurts that each encounters, then they might consider creating a forgiving community in the workplace.

The Forgiving Community in the workplace could be developed by putting ideas about forgiveness in any printed matter that describes fairness and honesty in the workplace, by leadership talking positively about forgiveness, and by supervisors mediating conflicts between employees with forgiveness themes as well as with the usual conflict resolution themes. Brining experts into the company from the outside by offering workshops on forgiveness could be considered as a way to give this message to all in the company: We care about the work climate and we care about your emotional health.

The feedback that I received from some of the 100 people in attendance was this: The discussion of forgiveness in the workplace is unique. Most had never heard a talk on it before and they thought it was relevant and important for their businesses. This seems like a new frontier worth pursuing in an organized, scholarly, and careful way.

R.E.

Dancing in Your Dreams

What do you dream of?

I’ve seen people do some funny things in their sleep. Recently on an overnight trip, I was awarded the amusement of seeing my friend and roommate for the night, Molly, a professional ballerina, dreaming of what she loves doing most…dancing. This was apparent by the graceful rising and falling of her leg suspended behind her in mid-air. What a lovely dream she must be having, I thought.

Are your dreams full of dancing and merriment like my friend’s?

Or, are there signs of distress and despair such as the case in Michael’s story recounted in the book, “Forgiveness is a Choice” by Robert Enright (p. 180)?

“Michael describes his sense of well-being in terms of his dreams. Following his father’s physical abuse, he had been tormented with two decades of nightmares in which he hurt others.” After forgiving his father, Michael writes, “I began very quickly to lose episodic nightmares and began to dream more happily in color.”

Could a lack of forgiveness be contributing to a lack of happiness in the dreams, thoughts, and attitudes of your unconsciousness?

Our unconscious thoughts deeply affect our outlooks, perceptions, and attitudes of every day life – our levels of stress, emotional peace, our interactions with others, and our physical health. Our dreams can be one sign pointing to an underlying discontent due to past hurts or injustices that we have chained ourselves to. An unhealthy lifestyle can be another sign as it was for Felicia. Here is the testimony she gives after forgiving her mother:

“Yes! Release and liberation, emotional and physical. An internal peace, relaxation, openness, acceptance of myself and others. A new sense of purpose and exploration. No more excessive alcohol use. Better eating and exercise patterns — lost about 20 pounds. I’m enjoying life and its challenges more. Also, seeing the beauty around me instead of ‘burying’ myself with my eyes closed!”

What are the signs of discontent in your life?

How are the chains of resentment and pain from past hurts keeping you from dancing, enjoying life, and reaching your full potential?

But more importantly, are you willing to set yourself free from those chains?

I hope so…and I hope you believe you are worth it; You deserve enough happiness and peace to be dancing in your dreams!

Amber Flesch