Our Forgiveness Blog
When Love Is Withdrawn from Us
Is it possible that we might change in a negative way when others withdraw love from us? Consider three issues, which might form a digression in our very selves. In the first scenario, we can begin to withdraw a sense of worth toward the one who hurt us. The conclusion is that he or she is worthless. In the second scenario, over time, we can drift into the dangerous conclusion, “I, too, am worthless.” After all, others have withdrawn love from me and have concluded that I lack worth, therefore I do lack worth. Here is where our own self-esteem is lowered because another or others are being unkind to us. In the third scenario, and even later down the road, we can drift into the unhealthy conclusion that there is no love in the world and so no one really has any worth, thus everyone is worthless. It is here that we might settle into a pervasive pessimism, without even realizing it is happening.
This three-layer development of negativism toward the other, dislike of self, and pessimism in general can be overcome by being vigilant in forgiving. Forgiving another can reverse negative judgements about the one who hurt us, can be a safe-guard in preserving self-esteem, and can prevent a drift into negativism. Perseverance in forgiveness, then, is necessary.
R.E.
Mother’s Day, a Tradition of Reuniting Families
What is the state of your relationship with your mother?
Has she always been there for you throughout your life as a mother should be — supporting, guiding, and loving you?
Were there times when she was not such a “super-hero mom” and was more like a human being, capable of making mistakes?
Perhaps, you even felt completely abandoned and neglected as a child?
Maybe you have a great relationship with your mother because you’ve already forgiven her or haven’t really ever felt the need to forgive her. That’s great! I suggest you reflect on the ways she has taught you forgiveness and then thank her for this powerful tool and gift.
Many of us may still have some forgiving to do in order to restore or build better relationships with our mothers.
Why not start this weekend, when we celebrate Mother’s Day in the U.S. and Canada?
In fact, Mother’s Day may be one of the most appropriate days to forgive and promote peace. Part of the historical roots of this holiday date back to the 1870’s with Julia Ward Howe’s call to Mothers for peace during the U.S. Civil War. Later, this initiative for reuniting families and neighbors in a divided, post-civil war country was taken up by Anna Reeves Jarvis.
Perseverance and Forgiveness
2002…. That is the year the International Forgiveness Institute began writing forgiveness education curriculum guides for teachers. We started with first grade classrooms in Belfast, Northern Ireland. When we started knocking on principals’ doors to discuss this life-giving project, we were met with skepticism.
“You will not last more than three years,” was what we heard consistently. Three years? Why three in particular?
“Because when people come from foreign lands to help Belfast, those well-meaning people never stay more than three years,” was the retort.
It became apparent that people go to Belfast with high expectations, great enthusiasm, and lots of adrenaline as they embark on their new adventure. Then the reality strikes. By year three the fatigue sets in, the streets of Belfast are all too familiar. It is now work and not adventure. Goodbye, Belfast!
The IFI has had a presence in Belfast for over 10 years now. So far, we have beaten the odds by staying three times longer than expected.
This issue of perseverance and endurance has me thinking. How can one preserve the idea of forgiveness in families, schools, places of worship, and places of employment? That seems easy……for about three years, but what about the next 10 or 20 or even 40 years?
How can forgiveness endure when there are so many diversions in life, so many new and good and novel ways to introduce new curricula to schools or new programs to businesses?
It takes a team and at least one person with an iron-clad will in the short-run. Forgiveness can too easily fade from the scene without this.
How will you preserve forgiveness in your own heart and in your most important relationships? How will you keep it from drifting out to sea, almost unnoticed as it fades? The first step is to realize that this can happen….and then not let it happen.
R.E.
Forgiveness Without Humility
What Does Forgiveness Look Like Without Humility?
The philosopher and theologian, Augustine of Hippo, once said that humility is so important that it shapes all other virtues. Without humility, he reasoned, all other virtues only look like virtues, but are not.
If this is correct, then what might forgiveness look like without humility?
Four answers come to mind:
1) Without humility one could become afraid, fearing rejection from the other as one tries to offer the olive branch of forgiveness. Forgiveness then is silent.
2) Without humility one could become arrogant, thinking of oneself as better than others because, “Oh, what a good and virtuous person am I.” Forgiveness then is loud.
3) Without humility one could become condemning of the other. After all, he or she hurt you and you will not stand for that. Forgiveness then is dismissing.
4) Without humility one could become entitled. If I go to the trouble of forgiving, then the other had better pay me back in some way, with remorse, an apology, and affection. Forgiveness then is demanding.
Forgiveness with humility levels the moral playing field and so we can move ahead despite possible rejection, in a quiet way to honor the other, in a loving way as we see the other as possessing inherent worth, and with gratitude knowing that it is a privilege to offer such a gift to another.
R.E.
What if…..
…..many children in oppressive environments were able to learn about forgiveness, starting at age 4 and continuing to age 18;
…..prior to marriage, each one did the work of forgiving people from the family-of-origin, thus reducing or even eliminating significant sources of anger and angry interaction patterns;
…..schools could be places not only of learning obedience, cooperation, and fidelity to assignments (and other expressions of justice) but also were places infused with mercy;
…..justice systems imbedded restorative justice and themes of mercy into that system;
…..each person who chose to do so cultivated the “softer” virtues of forgiveness and love each day;
…..each person who chose to do so asked, “What will be my legacy? What will I leave behind when I die?” and the answer was, “Goodness”?
What if I told you that all of this is possible?
R.E.
