Our Forgiveness Blog

The Five Myths of Forgiveness

Today, class, we will take an exam. It is a pop-quiz of sorts, to test your thinking about forgiveness, specifically with regard to what I am calling some of the “myths” of forgiveness.

See what you think.

1. Forgiveness is very much intrenched in popular culture right now, but the interest will fade, as all fads do. True or false?

Although interest in the topic of forgiveness may wax and wane through the generations and across cultures, forgiveness is timeless because, unfortunately, conflict and injustice are part of this world. As long as there are conflict and injustice, forgiveness will burn brightly.

2. For me to forgive, the other has to repent and apologize. True or false?

Although it surely is good when others repent and apologize, these are not necessary for you to forgive because forgiveness is a virtue and no other virtue requires a prior response from another person before you can forgive. Some say that the withholding of forgiveness until the other apologizes is a moral good because this then helps the offender to see the error of his/her ways and to make amends. Yet, no one who says this has convinced me that the reverse is not equally true: Forgive first and point out the other’s offense in the hope that he/she will respond to your offer of goodness and therefore repent.

3. It is better to stand up for justice than to forgive because justice will directly correct wrong. True or false?

Although the quest for justice is always good, this does not mean that we have to dichotomize justice and forgiveness and try only for one or the other. We can strive for justice and forgive as we do so. These two virtues are not mutually exclusive.

4. Once a person begins to show a pattern of devaluing forgiveness, it is likely that this will continue. True or false?

Although it is difficult to break habits, forgiveness education can and does change minds and hearts with regard to the topic. So often people reject forgiveness because they have been so very hurt in this world. Forgiveness acknowledges this pain and gently offers a way out of that pain. Never underestimate the power of genuine and effective pain relief.

5. Forgiveness is a good idea, but it is too hard. No one can truly accomplish it. True or false?

Because all of the other myths were false, by now I suspect that you said “false” to this one. My question, then, is this: Why is it false? One answer to consider: As we practice any virtue, we get more proficient at it. We need not reach perfection in any one virtue to be actually practicing it. We all practice all virtues in an imperfect way. The point is to try, and then as we try, we grow in proficiency in the practice of that virtue, including forgiveness.

R.E.

Can the Essence of Forgiveness Ever Be Altered?

Suppose that over time, a culture began to see forgiveness as simply moving on with a sense of tolerance. Have the people in that culture then changed what forgiveness is? After all, the current thinking in psychology and philosophy is that forgiveness is a moral virtue of goodness toward those who have been unjust.

I think it is impossible to alter the essence of forgiveness, no matter what happens in a particular culture or in a particular historical moment. We could, I suppose, see forgiveness as a relative concept, flexible in its meaning depending on the consensus of a group at a certain point in time, but that would be to invite error.

Here is what I mean: To label forgiveness as “moving on with a sense of tolerance” will mean that forgiveness is now equated with other terms, such as acquiescence and, as part of this definition, tolerance. Yet, forgiveness never gives in or acquiesces to wrong doing, but instead labels the wrong as wrong. Forgiveness never tolerates injustice but instead labels the injustice as unjust.

When it appears that a given group is defining forgiveness in an odd way, ask yourself this question: What else might this definition represent other than forgiveness? If you come up with a sound answer, then I urge you to stand firm in the truth of what forgiveness is, despite protests and even ad hominem attacks on you as a person.

Forgiveness is what it has been, what it is currently, and what it will be long after each one of us reading this post is gone from this world.

R.E.

A More Detailed Look at Countering Bullying through Forgiveness in Schools

Bullying has become a national epidemic in the United States. One website claims that 50% of students will be bullied at one time or another in school.

UNICEF has included bullying as a worldwide problem which needs protective solutions for children (see page 17 in particular).

We surely must take precautions such as: letting students know that they must not tolerate bullying, report such incidences, and take necessary precautions to stay safe.

There are many websites dealing with this growing problem. For example, “Kidscape” encourages parents to confront their own child’s behavior if he or she is showing a pattern of bullying. The parent is to acknowledge the actions as inappropriate and then to reward instances of positive behavior.

Bullying UK also offers advice to parents and schools such as: set clear discipline standards, be sure that all students and staff know that bullying is unacceptable, and punish appropriately when necessary. All of the advice is sound and worthy of attention.

We would like to suggest that a key element not being addressed is this: How can we eliminate the fury within those who show bullying behavior? The answers are rare on-line. We strongly suggest that programs which center on bullying behavior take one step away from the actual behavior and treat the rage.

How might this happen? First, a trained professional should sit down with the student showing the bullying behavior and ask: What in your life has made you angry, very angry?

Listen carefully to the story for it might surprise you. In all likelihood, this student has been bullied by others at some time in his or her life. He or she is now displacing that pent-up rage onto unsuspecting victims.

Acknowledge that he or she has been treated unfairly. This might seem ironic because it is this student who treats others unfairly. Yet, in all likelihood this is stemming from being treated unfairly in the past.

Be slow, deliberate, and repetitive in the following exercises: Help the student to see that others and the self have inherent worth. This is likely to take time because the student who bullies does not see such worth in others whom he or she abuses. The student in all likelihood has low self-esteem, from past unfair treatment, and so may not see the self as worthy of much at all. The forgiveness curriculum guides offer many opportunities to examine this important feature of inherent worth.

Regarding this theme of teaching inherent worth, start with story characters. Show the student how some story characters are treated unfairly and then begin to see the inherent worth in those who have been unjust to that story character. Then turn to the student’s own experiences of some less-serious offenses against him or her. Again, acknowledge the unfair treatment and ask: Does the person who hurt you have inherent worth? Work up to the bigger issues of injustice in the student’s life, after he or she gets used to thinking in this way: All people have inherent worth.

Finally, try some legal pardon or mercy in school with one who bullies. In other words, if there is a deserved punishment awaiting the student for inappropriate behavior, reduce the punishment or eliminate it altogether. Make sure the student understands that you and the school just had mercy on him/her. The student’s task is now to go and do likewise: to have mercy on those whom he/she has abused in the past.

It is time to place forgiveness at the heart of the school’s bullying problems.

R.E.

Forgiveness and School Counseling, Part 2

In the previous blog, we introduced the possibility of school counselors using some of their time to introduce entire classrooms to the concept of forgiveness. The point of this blog is to discuss what some school counselor blogs are saying that has direct relevance to forgiveness.

Let us first meet Danielle Schultz at schcounselor.com. There is a fascinating two part series on school bullying. Danielle has facilitated discussions in six classrooms and “the students love…..having a conversation about what the bullying issues are in their classroom.” They are asked to assess whether or not they have ever been bullied and then they discuss solutions.

How might forgiveness play a part in this exercise? There are two possibilities. One solution, along with justice, can be the exploration of forgiving the one who bullies while protecting oneself. A second approach is to work indirectly with those who bully by asking these kinds of questions in the classroom: Do you think that those who bully have themselves been bullied in the past by anyone? Might it be the case that those who bully are actually very angry at someone else, and not at the one who is being bullied? Might those who bully become emotionally healthier if they worked on forgiving those who have made them so angry? Then those who show persistent patterns of bullying can be helped one-on-one with the counselor outside of the classroom.

At the Elementary School Counseling blog, we meet Marissa. In the July 26, 2012 posting we hear about building relationships among staff, between staff and students, and among the students themselves. What better way to mend broken relationships than to practice forgiveness directly and deliberately as part of the school environment. Teaching themes of forgiveness in the classroom is one way to establish forgiveness as a positive norm in the school. We at the IFI have a lot of resources for teaching forgiveness from pre-kindergarten through grade 10.

Dr. Hussen has a fascinating news item about a mediation group visiting the school so that the students can find better ways to solve their interpersonal conflicts. We think that a first-step to behavioral reconciliation is the reduction in anger that should accompany attempts to reconcile. Forgiveness is the first step in such anger-reduction and therefore may prove to be an important addition to conflict mediation.

In the Savvy School Counselor blog, we meet Vanessa, who has essays on bullying and character education. Forgiveness, as we can see from the discussion above, fits well into each category and actually bridges them. One can confront bullying through the character education issue of forgiveness.

Finally, we present to you School Counseling by Heart with its wide-ranging discussions including the recent shootings in Colorado. We, too, have addressed the Colorado theatre shooting issue through the lens of forgiveness.

To all of you heroic professionals who give your lives in service to students, we are here to help you add the richness of forgiveness to your life and to the lives of students and staff. As you read teacher evaluations of our forgiveness programs, you might take seriously our encouragement to make forgiveness a part of the school day.

R.E.

What If. . . Musing on the Role of School Guidance Counseling and Forgiveness

Today as I was browsing the web, I began to read some of the School Guidance Counseling websites. The goals are laudable. For example, in the New York City public schools, the guidance counselors’ work in collaboration with the entire school community and are committed to the education and emotional development of all students.

Further into the New York City site we meet Mr. Oramas.  His work is heroic. Consider these words on the site: “….the counselor provides a safe haven for students who may need help that is potentially life saving.” Think about that for a moment: potentially life saving.

Today, there is a major shift in guidance counseling philosophy to include “the entire school community” and “all students.” This means, of course, that the role of the guidance counselor has shifted to now include instruction in mental health issues for entire classrooms.

Do you see that the role of guidance counseling has changed dramatically over the years? Decades ago, the guidance counselor might focus on career paths of students. Then more recently the focus has been on helping the hurting students to improve in emotional and mental health through one-on-one guidance, or at the most a small group of up to about 10 students. While these approaches are praiseworthy, they limit the number of students whom the guidance department can help.

The American School Counselor Association lists the requirements for state certification. Here are a few examples to show the reality of this shift to the entire classroom: Connecticut now requires 36 “clock hours” in regular classrooms for certification; Iowa requires competence in conducting “classroom sessions;” Missouri as one of its certification options requires that the candidate “complete a curriculum in teaching methods and practices.”

The American Counseling Association has a number of divisions, including Association for Spiritual, Ethical, and Religious Values in Counseling (ASERVIC) which would seem to be a natural for placing forgiveness education into schools. Yet, a perusal of these sites shows that forgiveness is not yet on the radar.

Let us now ask the question: What can help students in potentially “life saving” situations and help the guidance counselor to provide mental and emotional health curricula to entire classes?

One major answer, it seems to us, is forgiveness education. We now have forgiveness education guides for teachers and guidance counselors available on our website. It takes about one hour per week for about 15 weeks to deliver a complete forgiveness education program to a classroom.

These guides have been used by hundreds of teachers and counselors for over a decade in the United States, Northern Ireland, and many other places in the world.? Research by the International Forgiveness Institute, as well as four years of teacher evaluations, demonstrate that as teachers or guidance counselors deliver forgiveness education to student, then those students who are excessively angry or depressed or even low in academic achievement because of the emotional disruption can improve significantly.

What if…

…guidance counselors began to introduce the concept of forgiveness into regular classrooms.

…this could happen each year from pre-kindergarten through high school.

…the students began to take forgiveness very seriously in the classroom and the school

…the principal and teachers began to say, “We are a forgiving school,” as has happened at Holy Family School in Belfast, Northern Ireland.

This could happen at your school. And we are not just talking to guidance counselors, but to all who have an interest in strengthening their local schools by including forgiveness as part of the school’s instruction and ethos. It could happen. It already has.

R.E.