Archive for February, 2012
Walk a Mile in My Shoes
The National Center for Reason and Justice announced recently that they will be appealing the case of Fr. Gordon MacRae, sentenced to prison in 1994 for the crime of sex abuse against Thomas Grover. Mr. Grover’s former step-son has now claimed that his former step-father fabricated the story. Mr. Grover’s former wife labeled him as a “compulsive liar.” A former substance-abuse counselor for him now claims that he made so many allegations against so many supposed perpetrators that the stories were not credible. Mr. Grover has a history of arrest, prior to and after the accusation against Fr. MacRae, including multiple forgeries and burglary. These offenses were not made known to the jury.
It looks like, if Fr. MacRae is exonerated, he will have a large list of people to forgive. Walk a mile in his shoes and then answer the question: Who do I need to forgive? The obvious first choice is the accuser. Then comes anyone who remained silent during the trial (they could have shared impressions of Mr. Grover’s character in 1994). Then there is Fr. MacRae’s lawyer, who apparently did not dig deeply enough into Mr. Grover’s arrest record. The prosecutor played a part in the sentencing, as did the judge and jury. One can only imagine the injustices perpetrated on Fr. MacRae in prison. The list of people to forgive is long and the injustices deep, if he is found innocent. Injustice can lead to further injustice which can lead to anger and more anger. Forgiveness, properly understood and practiced, can cleanse the inner life of its caustic resentments and set the inner house in order. The road for that may be long for this priest, imprisoned for more than 17 years.
I know on a rational level that all people deserve to be forgiven. Yet, I sometimes feel guilty when I forgive someone, especially when I feel that he or she does not deserve my forgiveness. It is a feeling I just cannot shake. It seems too easy to rationalize this away by saying that everyone deserves it. Down deep, I do not feel this way sometimes and the guilt bothers me. What do you suggest?
May we make an important distinction between two meanings of the word “deserve”? There are two meanings to that word, one broad meaning and one narrow meaning.
First let us focus on the broad meaning. When you use the word “deserve,” you might mean that all people are special, unique, and irreplaceable and so each of us, because of our personhood, “deserves” to experience mercy at some times in our lives.
Second, now let us turn to the narrower meaning of the word, a more fine-lined meaning of “deserve,” which centers on the actual injustice committed against you. We can reason, “Because this person betrayed (disrespected, robbed, whatever is a serious injustice) me, I think that he does not deserve my forgiveness.” In this second use of the word “deserve,” you are absolutely correct. The person, because of what he did to you, does not “deserve” your forgiveness. Do you know why? Because you are using a justice word (“deserve”) rather than a word connoting mercy.
Forgiveness is not centered in justice, but instead in mercy. Because this is the case, a person’s specific act of injustice (in this second use of the word “deserve”) negates his *right* to your forgiveness. It is not just or fair that the person has a right to your forgiveness. You are free to give that forgiveness whenever you wish and you are not giving it because the offense was slight or because he now did something extraordinary to earn it.
No one can earn our forgiveness; otherwise it is an act of justice, not mercy. He cannot earn it, therefore he cannot deserve it in this narrow sense. When you struggle with others’ deserving or not deserving your forgiveness, try to remember two things:
1) All of us deserve mercy some of the time because we are persons and all persons (because we are special, unique, and irreplaceable) deserve to have mercy. This does not mean that you have to extend that mercy every time with every person for every event if you are not ready; and
2) No one deserves mercy in the second, narrower meaning of that term. Try to see that your forgiveness is not in the realm of justice at all, where there is earning and rights and deservingness. Shift your focus and see forgiveness for what it is—a willed expression of mercy. This might help you to forge ahead with forgiveness and lessen your guilt.
A Reflection on “Do No Harm”
In the process of forgiveness that we have outlined in two different books (Forgiveness Is a Choice and The Forgiving Life) there is one part of the process in which we ask the forgiver to “Do no harm” to the one who has been unjust. This idea of “Do no harm” is actually transitional to the even more difficult challenge to love the one who has hurt you. Yet, “Do no harm,” even though an earlier and supposedly easier part of the process, is anything but easy.
To “Do no harm” means three things: 1) Do not do obvious harm to the one who hurt you (being rude, for example); 2) Do not do subtle harm (a sneer, ignoring at a gathering, being neutral to this fellow human being); and 3) Do not do harm to others. In other words, when you are angry with Person X, it is easier than you think to displace that anger onto Persons Y and Z. If others have to ask, “What is wrong with her (him) today?” perhaps that is a cue that you are displacing anger from one incident into your current interactions.
It is at these times that it is good to take stock of your anger and to ask, “Whom do I need to forgive today? Am I ‘doing no harm’ as I practice forgiveness? Am I being vigilant not to harm innocent others because of what I am suffering?” My challenge to you today: Do no harm to anyone throughout this entire day…..and repeat tomorrow…..and the day after that.
Sometimes I start the process of forgiveness, but then change my mind and I am not ready any more to forgive. Is this ok? I mean, I almost feel forced to continue the process, especially if I tell the other person that I will try to forgive him. I don???t like to feel forced into something as personal as forgiveness.
You have an assumption which I would like to gently challenge. Just because you have changed your mind and have ceased for now to forgive does not mean that you are not engaged in the forgiveness process. Sometimes that process leads us to taking much-needed breaks.
Forgiveness is hard work and so when you need a break, please do so without guilt.
Think of it this way. Suppose you are on a cross-country bike ride, which will take you many days to complete. After the first day, when you put your bicycle away and go to bed for the night, have you ceased to be on the journey? The answer, of course, is no, you have not ceased. You simply are on a particular phase of the journey that requires rest.
Think of forgiveness this way, too. It is not a sprint to the finish line. Instead, forgiveness is a process, a journey that takes time and during that time we rest. It is your choice. Resist the pressure to be constantly vigilant in your forgiving. Giving yourself permission to back off, rest, and then begin again will likely bring greater joy on the journey for you.
Whom to Forgive and Why
A recent news item in the New York Times reported on an American hockey player now playing for a German team. Read the article here. The important aspect of this story is that this hockey player, Evan Kaufmann, is Jewish and he lost grandparents during the Holocaust. He talked of forgiveness. The burning questions are two: 1) Whom does he forgive? 2) For what offense does he forgive? I do not think that he has to forgive Germans now with whom he interacts if they have had nothing to do with the Holocaust and if they are not offending him now. After all, they have committed no injustice. Perhaps he is forgiving the actual Nazis who executed his grandparents.
Does he then forgive on behalf of his grandparents? That decision would seem to be in the hands of the grandparents themselves who are not present on this earth to make such a decision. Does this mean that he cannot forgive the Nazis? I think he can. He can forgive them for all of the pain that they have caused him as he walks the streets of Dusseldorf, recalls the hatred, recalls the loss of growing up without the grandparents. He can forgive the Nazis, even if they are deceased, even if he does not know them personally or even know their names. He can forgive them for the pain he now carries as a result of the atrocity perpetrated on his grandparents.
