Archive for February, 2012
When to Grant Forgiveness
Read about a controversy that has developed in what is often called the “political correctness” department that is taking place on national television. At the heart of the controversy, however, is an important lesson about “conditional” or “earned” forgiveness.
TV reporter Lawrence O’Donnell of MSNBC says Asian Actress Lisa Chan “deserves to be forgiven.”
Platitudes on Plaques
I was searching the web for news of forgiveness today when I was faced with “Images of forgiveness,” a series of photos which are supposed to represent this topic. The image that caught my attention was from the national (American) magazine, Psychology Today. It is a plaque-like image with the inscription, “Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves to get well and move on.” It is stated so emphatically and so confidently….and it is so incorrect.
If forgiveness is not “for other people,” then it is not one of the moral virtues alongside justice and patience and kindness and love. What is it then? It seems as if the plaque-writer has reduced forgiveness to a psychological technique for oneself as a way to heal emotionally. If the other person who hurt us is not in this healing equation, then apparently we are free to dismiss him or her, to ignore him or her, to be indifferent toward him or her. Forgiveness as dismissiveness. I don’t think so. How can we heal when we still see the other as unworthy of our mercy and love? The plaque, with all of its fine-sounding rhetoric, ultimately is a formula for distortion and a lack of healing in either self or other. Beware the fine-looking and confident-sounding platitudes on plaques.
9 Things Forgiveness is Not
Read an excerpt from “Taking Out the Trash,” chapter 5 of the book Real Marriage by Pastor Mark Driscoll.
I am in an ongoing relationship with a man who is basically good, but he tends to be subtly snide, kind of doing a slow burn so often. How can I forgive him when he keeps being mildly insensitive over and over and over again?
It sounds as if his behavior is annoying but not harmful based on what you say. If he were abusive, this is different from being “subtly snide” or “mildly insensitive.” Please keep in mind that forgiveness does not mean that you throw justice out the window. You can forgive and keep working with him on how he communicates, with an eye toward mutual respect in the communication.
All of that said, it is important to realize that forgiveness in this context is very important as a way for your resentments not to become too deep. Try to forgive as soon as he is insensitive and try to make this an ongoing habit. It is more difficult to forgive, I find, when people have offended us multiple times. The 20th time is harder than the first time because we expect it to end and when it does not, anger can build. So, the steady practice of forgiveness can be a counter to his steady “mild” insensitivity. In other words, forgiveness can be a protection for you and, with reduced resentment, a means of helping you to ask for justice in a positive way.
Know Before Doing
When you start to forgive someone for an injustice against you, what exactly is it you are and are not doing? This is perhaps the most fundamental issue–to define what we mean by forgiveness before practicing it.
Some would say, as Nietzsche did in the late 19th century, that you are engaging in weakness because only the weak forgive; the strong get even. Some would say that you are opening yourself to abuse as you go back into an unhealthy situation, but this confuses forgiveness and reconciliation. Some would say that you are moving on, even if this means that you are dismissing the person who was unfair to you. None of these captures the essence of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is goodness toward those who have been unfair to us, and this goodness can include the cessation of resentment, the offer of mercy and compassion and even love (which may take time to grow and require small steps in that direction). When people argue about forgiveness, most of the time they are arguing about what it means more than anything else. Know before doing.
