Archive for March, 2012
How, Why and When to Forgive a Transgression
Dick Goldberg, veteran talk show host, produces “psychology podcasts to help, motivate, and inspire you.” He interviewed Dr. Robert Enright on Tuesday, March 6 on the subject of “How, Why and When to Forgive a Transgression.
Dick Goldberg hosted “For Love or Money” for 8 years on Wisconsin Public Radio and produced and hosted over 150 programs on PBS on the series “Insights” and “Inside Business Today,” which were broadcast on over 200 PBS-TV stations. He is a practicing therapist in Madison, Wisconsin for the past 30 years, as well as the author of 4 books. Dick has a passion for helping shape interviews into clear and useful information for his listeners, and making his guests, not himself, the “star” of the program.
His 30-minute podcast with Dr. Enright is available here.
Mother Forgives Her Daughter’s Attacker
Manawatu Standard, New Zealand. A partner of the Cheryl Thompson’s daughter attacked the daughter with a knife last September. She survived the attack. He was sentenced yesterday to five years and five months in jail. ??At the hearing, Mrs. Thompson said, “I’m not too sure how people feel about forgiveness, but for myself, I know it heals the heart and soothes the soul. I chose today to let [the attacker] know face to face that we forgive him.” The judge described the forgiveness as “remarkable compassion.”
A man who repeatedly stabbed his girlfriend while on a paranoid religious rampage has been forgiven by her family, which a judge described as “remarkable compassion”.
In the High Court at Palmerston North yesterday, Elim Tekotahi Emery, 21, was jailed for five years and five months on two charges of wounding with intent to cause grievous bodily harm.
On September 3, at a Feilding house, he stabbed his 18-year-old partner and his uncle with a boning knife.
His girlfriend was rushed to hospital for life-saving surgery and originally Emery faced an attempted murder charge, but this was later downgraded.
Yesterday his partner’s mother, Cheryl Thompson, told the court about her feelings of forgiveness toward Emery.
“I’m sad it had to end this way for two young people who were supposed to start their lives together,” Ms Thompson said.
“I’m not too sure how people feel about forgiveness, but for myself, I know it heals the heart and soothes the soul.
“I chose today to let Elim know face to face that we forgive him …”??Read the full story.
Why Forgive?
Let us start with a different question to better frame the one above. Why be just or fair? At the very least, we obey laws so we are not punished. At higher levels, we strive for fairness because we have come to be fair people and to deny justice is to deny whom we are as persons.
When it comes to forgiveness, we cannot fall back on laws and punishments because no society ever has had a law requiring forgiveness because it is centered in mercy, not on a quest for fairness.
I would like to suggest that there are at least four good reasons to forgive:
1) As we forgive, we begin to feel better emotionally. Forgiveness is not centered in the self, but instead on goodness toward those who have injured us. A *consequence* of forgiving is emotional release from resentment. This by no means implies that a person is necessarily selfish if he or she forgives for this reason. Grasping a life preserver in a stormy sea is a wise move.
2) As in our justice example above, as we practice forgiveness over and over, we actually become forgiving persons. To forgive becomes a part of who we are as persons and to not forgive is to deny our very personhood.
3) When we practice forgiveness long enough, we begin to see that we have a choice in life regarding the legacy we will leave in this world. We can leave a legacy of woundedness and anger or a legacy of love. Forgiveness helps us to leave a legacy of love as we honor each person as having inherent worth, even those who have hurt us. We do not honor the unjust for what they have done, but in spite of that.
4) Finally, as we forgive, we are showing others how to live a life of moral goodness in the face of unjust treatment. When we forgive, we are helping to create a community of forgiveness for others, in the home, school, place of employment, place of worship, and wherever people come together for mutual support and growth.
It seems to me to be betrayal of a loved one if we forgive those who gravely hurt that loved one. My husband was unjustly fired from his job. I want to stand with him, stick up for him. To forgive the boss is to betray my husband. So, forgiveness to me is to disrespect my husband under this circumstance.
We need to keep in mind that to forgive is not to say, “What the company did to my husband is ok; it is fair.” Instead, when you forgive, you are aware that what happened to your husband was unfair and it will always be unfair. Forgiveness does not invalidate this truth. As you forgive, you offer a cessation of resentment (which can take time) and try as best you can to see those who hurt your husband as persons—possessing worth in spite of what they did. Forgiveness can help you reduce anger so that you have more energy to be with and help your husband as you both work through this.
Anonymous
It may sound kind of unusual, but after visiting your site, I decided to forgive my high school basketball coach…..and I am now an adult.
How to begin. Well, this guy was into power. I remember so clearly one time in practice, he came up to me and said, “Do you know why I did not play you very much in the last game?” I looked at him with a kind of disbelief because, it was true, he benched me without warning. So, I said (politely, actually), “…..no.” He then went on, “You are not aggressive enough. I want to see you get in there and get some fouls on defense. Get aggressive.” He had never mentioned that to me before—being aggressive on defense. OK, I can do that.
Next game, he started me. I fouled like he asked. I fouled so much that I fouled out of the game before the first half was over. I was a fouling machine! And I scored in double figures to top off what I thought was my masterful fouling performance. So far so good. I was really looking forward to the next game, and when it started, I was not in the starting lineup. He hardly put me in the game! What’s up with this, I thought. The next day, the coach comes up to me in practice and asks, “Do you know why I did not play you last game?” I was kind of shocked and answered,”……..no.” He looked at me and said, “You foul too much,” and he just walked away.
As a teenager to get this kind of yo-yo treatment really hurt. I now see that the coach had a kind of dead-end job. He was a driver’s education instructor at the school, pretty low level stuff from an academic perspective. He was frustrated and he took it out on some of us kids. As I started to forgive him, I saw his pain, the pain of the dead-end job, of not really making it in his own world of teaching. Yeah, he hurt me, but it was because he was so hurt himself.
It’s over now and I can move on. I am surprised that something like this can stay with a person and leave doubts about one’s own abilities, not just as a ballplayer, but as a person. When I forgave, I looked the injustice in the eye, owned it as unfair, owned my pain, forgave, and stood up a little taller.
