Our Follow-up on “Phony Forgiveness”
Timing is amazing sometimes. We posted a blog essay yesterday (just below this one) on three reasons why quick forgiveness is not necessarily “phony forgiveness” and we then came across this story: “Parents no longer forgive shooter of teen.”
Apparently, parents of a slain youth retracted their forgiveness toward the man who shot him.
We would like to claim that their first overture of forgiveness seems very sincere based on the news story. We have to remember our second point in the earlier blog post: psychological defenses are sometimes strong when tragedy strikes. As they lessen, anger rises. Now the deep work of forgiveness might begin….in time. And one more point: Even a retraction of forgiveness is not necessarily a final word on the matter.
Robert
My heart goes out to this couple. How awful. In time their hurting hearts may find room for forgiveness again. And it may be deeper and steadier than the first overture.
My concern is the media’s publication of this retraction of the original forgiveness. I am concerned because the retraction might be viewed by the couple as a kind of commitment to stay unforgiving. Seeing their own words in print might make it harder for them to proclaim forgiveness now.
Sometimes the media are too quick to jump on a story of goodwill and forgiveness. This post and the previous one suggest that reporters should move forward with caution when someone quickly proclaims forgiveness. The proclamation could be forthcoming because he or she is not feeling angry as the psych defenses are working overtime.
Forgiveness is a process and it can be a slow one that builds character. I am not surprised that the couple finally got angry. What they do with that anger now will determine their future happiness.