Archive for April, 2023

The twelfth of 15 criticisms about forgiveness that I so frequently see is that it is impossible to even understand or define forgiveness because there are so many different definitions of it in the published literature.

This problem is not inherent in forgiveness itself, but instead is a problem with those who write about forgiveness without deeply understanding what it is.  As the ancient Greeks, such as Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, remind us, there is an objective essence (or an unchanging set of characteristics) which typifies each moral virtue.  Forgiveness is what it is across historical time and across cultures and, yes, there can be individual and cultural variations in how this essence is expressed.  Just because there is a ritual, for example, in Sierra Leone on the West Coast of Africa, in which a community gathers at night around a large bonfire as people forgive one another, does not mean that what forgiveness is there differs in essence from what forgiveness is in a one-on-one forgiveness therapy session in the United States.  Those who think about and then write about forgiveness, according to Aristotle, can use their rational faculties to understand, even if imperfectly, what forgiveness is and is not.  To forgive is to be good to those who are not good to the forgiver and this goodness includes the motivation to be good to the offending person, the cognitions of goodness toward the person, positive affect, and, when possible, positive behaviors toward that person.

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The thirteenth of 15 criticisms that I so characteristically see on-line about forgiveness is this: Forgiving is a sign of disrespecting the offending person because it does not give that person the chance to repent and change behavior.

You can forgive and then support the person in repenting and changing behavior.  There is no rule of human behavior that states that a person cannot repent once you initiate forgiveness toward that person.

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The fourteenth of 15 criticisms I see about forgiveness is this: The more people ask you to forgive, the more fuzzy you get about what is right and wrong.  For example, if parents keep asking Sally to forgive her brother Sam for continually hitting her, eventually Sally may come to think that it is perfectly all right for Sam to keep hitting.

In our experience, true forgiveness helps people see the injustice more clearly, not more opaquely. As people break denial, examine what happened, and allow for a period of anger, they begin to label the other’s behavior as “wrong” or “unfair.”

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The Clash between Modern Western Culture and the Moral Virtue of Forgiveness

When surfing the Internet I sometimes run into ads for quick weight loss.  Those ads run something like this: A guy, who may be ramped up on steroids, has his shirt off and he eagerly bites into a high calorie meal.  He then says that he has a physical workout regimen that allows him to exercise a few days a week and retain a muscular physique.  The exercise routine, for example, consists of about 5 push-ups, 8 sit-ups, some front lunges, a few jumping jacks, and then hit the showers because you are……..done.

In other ads, there are “before” and “after” photos, with the message that pill X will burn excess stomach cells overnight as you sleep…….and then presto!  You have a new body.

The messages from these ubiquitous ads are these: Physical fitness is easy.  Buy my fitness program or the pills I sell, and you will have gain without the pain.

What makes these ads almost humorous is the contrast between reality and fantasy, between what is needed for physical fitness or weight loss and what is offered.  It is as if the striving and effort and perseverance are no longer necessary.

(Image by Rawpixel.com)

Such messages of gain-without-pain now are pervading the Internet for forgiveness.  Take a look for yourself on the Internet.  As you search for ways to forgive you will be met with advice to forgive, for example, in four easy steps.  Learn to forgive in seven easy steps.  Take your pick.  The advice tends to range from about 2 to 9 sessions of psychological techniques…….and then presto!  You have a new outlook on life and toward the one who hurt you.

Now, there is nothing wrong with a few steps to start a physical fitness program, as you get familiar once again with what a push-up is.  In a similar way, there is nothing wrong with a few brief psychological techniques to introduce you to what it may be like to forgive those who hurt you deeply.

Yet, if you want true physical fitness, if you want true and deep forgiving, you will need to have the strong and good will to start, the rationality to know what you are facing, then practice, then persevere, then develop a love of the workout (physical or forgiveness workout) so that you grow in maturity toward either kind of workout.  Both the achievement of physical fitness and forgiveness fitness require the exercise gym and the forgiveness gym, respectively.

When you are deeply hurt by others, when your heart is hurting, there is no such thing as the forgiveness pill.  There is no such thing as the easy way.  When others make you suffer from their unjust treatment, the way out is a different kind of suffering, which is growth in the heroic moral virtue of forgiveness.  This new suffering is very different from the original suffering from unjust treatment because the forgiveness treatment leads to deep healing so that you can move on well with your life.  The suffering from the effects of grave injustice, if you do not address these effects, may never end.  The suffering from working on forgiving eventually ends.  I want you to see the big difference between the two kinds of suffering. Only one of these offers the challenge of a new start in life as you become forgivingly fit.

Let’s hit the forgiveness gym, when deeply hurt by others, and start becoming forgivingly fit.

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