Author Archive: directorifi

You talk about being committed to the forgiveness process in the book Forgiveness Is a Choice (2019).  I now am wondering how I can stay committed to the process of forgiveness when there still is residual hurt, and I just want to move on and forget about it.

When people forgive, it does not always mean that all anger is eliminated.  The anger can lessen and this is of vital importance especially if the anger initially was intense and enduring.  As you forgive, even though some anger might remain, you then are in control of the anger rather than having the anger control you.  So, please be encouraged if your anger is lessening.  If you have a goal of continuing to be committed to the forgiveness process, then I recommend being aware of what I call your strong will, which I discuss in the book The Forgiving Life (2012).  A strong will helps you to stay on the task even when it is painful to do so.  Certainly, you need to take breaks from the forgiveness process, refresh, and then continue the journey.  In other words, you need the virtue of temperance when on the challenging journey of forgiveness.

Could pride prevent us from being forgiving? To put it another way, pride might make people firmly stand their ground and tell themselves, “I will never forgive unless the other person apologizes!”

Yes, I do believe that pride can occasionally result in such a statement. However, we must exercise caution because some cultures and religions require an apology before a person would forgive. The individual who needs the apology may find it helpful to consider the following questions if pride is impeding the process of forgiveness: “Are you hurting yourself by insisting on the apology? If so, in what way? As you wait for an answer from the other, may you be keeping yourself from letting go of emotional challenges and lessening resentment?”

Forgiveness strikes me as illegitimate.  Here I am angry with a person, and so I start acting toward him as if all is well.  That seems phony to me.

You are misunderstanding what forgiveness is.  It is not about only actions toward the person at whom you are angry.  Forgiveness is a more holistic moral virtue than this in that it includes a transformation toward more positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward that person.  When you act in a forgiving way, the more holistic approach includes both a softened heart with compassion as well as thoughts toward the person as someone of worth, not because of what was done but in spite of this.  The behavior toward that person then includes these feelings and thoughts so that the behavior is not superficial or, as you say, phony.

I am a teacher, and my school is becoming interested in starting forgiveness education from kindergarten through grade 5.  We have what are called restorative programs and so I am wondering what is the link between learning to forgive and practicing restorative justice.

Restorative practices tend to focus on dialogue, particularly dialogue in circles.  This is a more behavioral approach than forgiveness, which focuses on what I call “the heart.”  In other words, people who are angry with each other can dialogue civilly while in the circle, but if the heart is not healed of resentment, that anger can re-emerge once the circle ends for that day.  Forgiveness first works on the anger in the heart so that the dialogue then might be more fruitful because the people are talking without deep resentment in the heart.  Restorative practices and forgiveness can work very well together.  I recommend this: First, work on forgiving those with whom you will dialogue in the circle and then enter the dialogue.  It also could work this way: Enter the dialogue, and this could start to soften the heart toward whom you are angry.  Then work on the forgiveness process after the circle ends.

Can Murderers Be Forgiven?

Image by Ron Lach, Pexels.com

I recently watched a podcast video in which a prominent world figure, currently involved in inter-country conflict, was asked about the possibility of forgiving the other nation’s leader.  The world leader then asked this rhetorical question in response to the host: “Can murderers be forgiven?”  It was obvious by his anger that the world leader was saying, “No.”  He did not elaborate, which was the end of that particular part of the discussion.

It was apparent that the host saw the possibility of forgiveness between the two leaders as one path to peace.  Yet, if the leader sees the other as a murderer, then it follows that he is shutting the door on this possibility.

The question by the host was a serious one that might open the door, even a little, to peace.  Can murderers be forgiven?  If we look at the history of forgiveness, we see that the answer is a definite “yes” because those who are “murderers” can be and have been forgiven by others in the past.  Here are two examples:

Marietta Jaeger lost her daughter Suzy to a kidnapping and murder when her family was on vacation (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OFMx9kIems).  At first, she said that she was so angry that she could have killed him and with a big smile on her face.  Yet, as the weeks dragged on, she saw the stress and anger tearing her family apart.  It was then that she decided to forgive the murderer, even though she had no idea who this was.  She wished the person well and prayed for the person’s well-being.  When the murderer called Marietta on the first anniversary of his kidnapping Suzy, Marietta expressed concern for him.  Her kindness so took him aback that he stayed on the phone for over an hour, sufficient time for the law enforcement officials to trace the call, find, and arrest him.

The second example is by Eva Mozes Kor, who forgave “Dr.” Mengele for his abhorrent medical experiments on the twins of Auschwitz during World War II (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdgPAetNY5U).  Because of such unethical practices by Mengele, Eva’s twin sister, Miriam, passed away prematurely from kidney failure.  Despite some of Eva’s colleagues disapproving of her decision, she forgave Mengele and the Nazis “in my name only” as a way to be free of the resentment that could have been with her for the rest of her life.

In neither case did Marietta nor Eva abandon the quest for justice.  Forgiveness and justice existed side-by-side.  By this I mean that Marietta certainly would not want the one who murdered Suzy to be on the streets to take the lives of others.  Eva was forgiving once she was free from concentration camp and the Nazis were utterly defeated.

Can murderers be forgiven?  Yes, and they have.  If the leader, who used this question as a rhetorical retort to the podcast host, is open to justice and forgiveness together in the future, as Marietta and Eva have shown is possible, might his fellow citizens and he be able to take a first step of peace in his region of the world?  This is no rhetorical question, but one that might in the future save lives.  I say this because negotiations with hatred in the heart are less likely to lead to satisfying and stable outcomes than when the heart is at peace and offers that peace to the other.