Author Archive: directorifi
My friend keeps saying, “I have forgiven because I was not hurt by what he did.” Is this forgiveness?
Forgiveness is not the experience of never being hurt by the other’s unjust actions. Yet, a person can forgive even without experiencing deep hurt. Forgiveness for small things entails seeing the other as a worthwhile human being despite the annoyance. Forgiveness is to separate the worth of the other from the offense. You are not excusing the injustice. Instead, you are broadening your view of who the other person is, despite the annoyance.
Can I still feel some pain and even anger after I have forgiven, by wishing the other well, softening my heart, and even giving a gift to the other person?
Yes, we can have residual pain and some anger left over upon forgiving. As I recall one person saying, we know we have forgiven when the memory of the injustice can pass through the heart without damage.
An Unprecedented “Big Data” Study in Australia Shows the Association between Forgiveness and Well-Being in Children and Adolescents
Pexels.com, Photo by Catarina Sousa
A recent study with 79,670 children and adolescents (aged 7 to 18) in Australia examined whether those who report favorably on forgiveness also have sound psychological health. They concluded their Abstract this way: “These big data findings provide firm evidence that, like adult samples, forgiveness and self-forgiveness are factors in promoting psychological wellbeing, at least among Westernized youth and adolescents.” Of course, because this was not a cause-and-effect study, it is not clear that forgiveness and self-forgiveness promote psychological well-being. It could be the reverse: Those who are feeling well find it easier to forgive. Yet, this study is important because it is the first to use such an impressively large sample to examine forgiveness. The reference to this work is this:
Flaherty, E.M., Strelan, P. & Kohler, M. Forgiveness, self-forgiveness, and child and adolescent mental health: Big data findings from an Australian youth cohort. Journal of Youth and Adolescence (2025). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-025-02285-7
Do you think that perpetrating evil can become part of a person’s identity if he practices evil long enough? I am talking about sadistically and deliberately hurting others.
Yes, I think if a person deliberately and consistently decides to hurt others, this can become part of a person’s identity. Let me clarify. This does not necessarily mean that the person sees the self as an “evil person.” Denial can enter the picture, and so the person could end up interpreting the cruelty as “people deserve to be punished, it is good for them.” Yet, even this denial can be part of the person’s identity. Forgiveness can put new meaning and purpose in a person’s life, leading to the free-will decision to put good into the world, including mercy that goes beyond doling out punishment as an end in and of itself.
How can I “bear the pain” when doing so makes me want to throw it back to the one who gave it to me?
Bearing the pain in the forgiveness process does not happen quickly. It usually emerges in our Work Phase after the person has taken time to cognitively see the other as possessing worth as a person, which eventually can lead to even a small amount of compassion toward this other person. Only then do we suggest bearing the pain so that you do not pass it back to the other or displace it onto unsuspecting other people. If you are not ready to bear the pain, try to go back to earlier parts of the forgiveness process and work on your thinking about who the other person is beyond the injustice and your emotional reactions, as they soften.
