Author Archive: directorifi
I have been ghosting a former friend, and, at the same time, I have been forgiving her from my heart. Is ghosting a sign for me that I am not forgiving?
Your ghosting is a sign that you have not completed the forgiveness journey at this point. Ghosting, or choosing to completely ignore a person even when the other tries hard to communicate with you, can be emotionally damaging. Therefore, even though you may be on the road to forgiving in terms of your thoughts and feelings toward your former friend, the ghosting is a sign that you still are extracting revenge to some degree. I would urge you to continue fostering the softness of forgiveness in your mind and heart, and then use these new developments to add behavior to the equation. Try to alter your behavior so that you are showing mercy toward her. If she is behaving in a way that is harmful to you, you need not enter back into the relationship, but you can break the ghosting pattern, for example, by a gentle email that she needs to alter behavior that has been harmful to you.
You often talk about forgiveness education for children. How do you recommend that I go about this if I am naive about what forgiveness actually is and how to go about it?
We at the International Forgiveness Institute have age-appropriate forgiveness curriculum guides, professionally produced, that are meant for parents and educators. If you follow the instructions for each lesson in any of these guides, you, along with your children, will be learning more deeply about what forgiveness is, its importance in our lives, and how to go about it.
I have an adult friend who currently is staying away from her mother because of continual harsh treatment. Is this showing unforgiveness or something else?
It depends on what is in your friend’s heart. If she needs some time away to heal from the emotional wounds, she can still be working on forgiving her mother during this time. If, on the other hand, she is staying away to impose hurt on her mother, this could be motivated by revenge and not forgiveness. In other words, the answer to your question depends on your friend’s motivation for staying away.
What is your opinion of parents who insist that the children forgive each other for the sake of a peaceful home?
The parent has to be careful here. Sometimes a hurt child needs a little time to be angry about what happened. If a parent hovers over the child and insists on forgiveness “right now,” this might be a deterrent for the child, who then feels pressure about forgiveness. It is reasonable to talk about forgiveness as a strong approach to a peaceful home, but this lesson may best be learned when there is not high tension caused by a recent unfairness in the home. In other words, instructions on what forgiveness is and its positive consequences are important in their proper context.
How Do Forgiveness and Tolerance Differ?
Photo by Karola G, Pexels.com
Below is a Socratic dialogue between the mental health professional, Sophia, and her client, Inez. These are fictional characters. The conversation comes from the book, The Forgiving Life (APA Books, 2012).
Sophia: Are toleration and forgiveness the same?
Inez: They are very close to the same thing. When I forgive, I offer civility, respect, and even love toward the one who hurt me. I do not condemn, attack, or in any way harm the other. Toleration also deliberately avoids hurting the other person. So, they are synonyms.
Sophia: What do you think of this? To tolerate has two related meanings. First, it means to “put up with” another’s unpleasant behavior, as when a friend puts up with another’s unpleasant habit of always answering her mobile phone when the two of them are in deep conversation. Because the person with such a habit is not necessarily conscious of it, we can hardly say that all acts of toleration concern unjust behaviors on the part of the other person. Second, to tolerate means to recognize and respect the rights of others. Because a genuine right is never a wrong, such toleration cannot be forgiveness, which occurs in the context of others’ wrongs.
Inez: But, when I forgive, can’t we say that I am not harming the other? Because tolerance offers this as well, can’t we say that forgiveness shares something important with tolerance?
Sophia: Yes, we could say this, but what do you think? Does forgiveness share more with tolerance or more with moral love?
Inez: It shares something with each.
Sophia: But which one shares more with forgiveness?
Inez: I’d say that love has more in common with forgiveness because when we show goodness toward someone who has hurt us, this is a great good and much more than “putting up with” something or someone.
Sophia: Well said.
Inez: Thank you, Sophia. This is kind of fun. I think I am catching on to the depth of forgiveness.
Enright, Robert D.. The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love (APA LifeTools Series) (Function). Kindle Edition.
