Author Archive: directorifi

I was hurt in a 5-year relationship and now I am hesitant to get into any other relationship. Does this lack of courage on my part suggest that I have not forgiven the one who hurt me?

The issue here seems to be one of a lack of trust.  You may or may not have forgiven the one with whom you were in a relationship for the 5 years.  Even if you have completely forgiven, you still may lack trust and this is not a sign of unforgiveness.  It is a sign that you know hurt is possible when you commit to others.  Forgiveness can help with taking the risk and at the same time your using common sense in the new relationship, along with sincere acts of trustworthiness by the other, should help to slowly create a trust with the new person.

Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.

In your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you talk about finding meaning in suffering. You talk about growing beyond yourself. What does this mean?

When people find meaning in suffering they often develop a deeper sense of what it means to be a person.  You may begin to see, for example, that your suffering has shown you that all people suffer, all people are emotionally wounded to one degree or another.  You begin to realize that your suffering is making you a more sensitive person to other people.  In other words, your world expands as you see humanity more deeply.

For additional information, see Finding Meaning in Suffering.

When a person forgives and really understands the importance of forgiving, do they then have an obligation to pass on the importance of forgiveness to others?

Because forgiveness is a choice, I do not think that we should put pressure on those who forgive to now go and become teachers of others. I do think that it is reasonable to let those who forgive know that helping others to now forgive is good, if this resonates with the person. In my own experience, I see people, who develop a pattern of being persistent forgivers, often do have an internal self-chosen obligation to teach and help others.

For additional information, see Why Forgive?

Are You a Person of Worth?

Who are you?

In Chapter 6 of the book, The Forgiving Life, Inez said,

“I am a person who has been emotionally wounded; who has stood up to injustice; who is a person worthy of respect and mercy; and who is special, unique, and irreplaceable and therefore cannot be and must not be shunned, disrespected, or thrown away.”

At the very core of your being, do you believe this about yourself? Are you a person of worth? Why or why not? Do you have to earn your worth or is it inherent in you—unearned, absolute, and unconditional? Are you a person who loves, even if imperfectly?

Even if you have a long way to go in developing agape love, you are on your way when you forgive others. As you love them (as best you can under the circumstances), please continue to see yourself more and more accurately—as someone who is capable of giving and receiving love and therefore someone who can do much good in this world.

You are a person of great worth.

There are more chapters for you to write with the help of others as you continue “My Unfolding Love Story.”  Forgiveness is not finished with you yet.  How will you lead your life from this point forward?  It is your choice.  When that story is finally written, what will the final chapters say about you? 

The beauty of this story is that you are one of the contributing authors.  You do not write it alone, of course, but with the help of those who encourage you, instruct and guide you, and even those who hurt you.  You are never alone when it comes to your love story.   It does not matter one little bit how the story was turning out before you embraced the virtue of forgiveness.  What matters now is how you finish that story, how you start to live your life from this point forward.

Enright, Robert D. The Forgiving Life (APA LifeTools, 2012). American Psychological Association. Kindle Edition.

To me it is irrational to forgive. You are saying that you are not mad when in fact you are. So, forgiveness is a shell game, a kind of illusion or magic trick in which one wishes away the anger and internal discontent and then, presto, all of this is gone. Sorry, but I can’t accept this magic trick that you call forgiving.

I think the illusion actually is your belief that forgiveness is a trick.  Is it a trick when randomized experimental and control group clinical trials show that as people take the time to forgive, their anger, anxiety, and even depression can go statistically below clinical levels and remain low months or even a year after treatment?  Science done well is not a shell game.  I urge you to look at the science.  One place to start is the book for mental health professionals, Forgiveness Therapy, by Enright and Fitzgibbons (2015, American Psychological Association).

For additional information, see Forgiveness Research.