Author Archive: directorifi
Susan, one of my friends, is not happy with one of her parents. I see why it would be beneficial for her to forgive the parent. She won’t listen, though. How would you advise me to proceed?
It’s not appropriate to put Susan under pressure to forgive. However, you don’t necessarily want to disregard your friend, who can benefit psychologically from thinking about forgiving the parent. You should be aware of Susan’s internal suffering, in my opinion. You may concentrate on that pain and ask her if she has any strategies for lessening or getting rid of it when she expresses it (as exhaustion, physical tension, or intense rage). If she is not considering any effective strategies, you could think about recommending forgiveness as a means of easing the suffering. I’ve discovered that suffering may be a powerful catalyst for healing and that forgiveness is one way to get well.
A Call for Corrections to Truly Engage in Correction for Those Imprisoned
I must admit to being surprised by the reaction of so many administrators of correctional institutions. Here is what I mean. I know of three different groups, with many years of experience in the science of forgiveness, that recently have contacted corrections officials to request research programs to aid imprisoned people, who have been treated unjustly in the past, to learn to forgive so that their resentment can be reduced. With their reduced resentment, those imprisoned who have been beaten down in the past may be less likely to displace that rage onto others. Yet, the three different groups mentioned above have been rejected or at least met with ambivalence when requesting, at no charge to the institution, forgiveness programs for the inmates. This negative reaction has occurred in a country in Western Europe, in an Asian country, and in the United States. In each case, trained personnel outside of the institution would implement the forgiveness programs. Further, trained personnel outside the institution would give the pretest and post-test questionnaires so that only a very limited amount of time would be required by any of the professionals within the institution. Yet, the rejections and ambivalence remain.
It seems, and to me this is a tragedy, that those in charge, who could say yes to such forgiveness programs, just do not see the importance of such rehabilitation. We do have scientific evidence that such forgiveness programs work well in correctional institutions when we are given the chance to implement them. You can read about this success here in an earlier blog on this website:
All is not negative in this case of corrections. We are communicating with researchers in Brazil, Spain, and Israel who are interested in helping the imprisoned or those recently released. The voice of one released and who engaged in a forgiveness program has been captured on film from an international conference in July of 2022. His name is Sylvester Jackson. Take a look at his testimony and then ask yourself: Is it time for corrections administrators to see this new approach and welcome it for the sake of the imprisoned and all who could fall victim to their rage?
It is time.
Could you give me an example of a situation in which forgiveness is improper or immoral?
Since forgiveness is a component of the moral good of this world, it is inherently moral and never immoral. It is a virtue to give someone who has wronged you unconditional love and kindness while guarding against more wrongdoing. However, some people might see forgiveness as inappropriate when they do not completely comprehend what forgiveness is. Using forgiveness as a means of controlling someone else is one example of such a misunderstanding. The “forgiver” may be someone who keeps reminding the other of the wrongdoing and emphasizing how difficult and admirable forgiveness is. This is a distorted form of forgiveness rather than forgiveness at all. Such misunderstanding does not make true forgiveness “improper or immoral.”
Could it be argued that seeking revenge is a sort of forgiveness if the person experiences a profound sense of inner relief? In other words, this person has a similar outcome as the person who genuinely forgives. They both find inner relief. I say that because feeling better occurs when seeking revenge or forgiving.
My answer to your question is no. Seeking vengeance and forgiving are two very different things. We need to keep in mind that, despite having comparable internal outcomes (of at least a temporary “feel good” scenario), revenge and forgiveness have quite distinct processes. One wants to hurt the other (revenge), and the other wants compassion and understanding toward the person who acted unjustly (forgiveness). Forgiving allows one to give love and possibly get it back. If this does not occur, if nothing else, the desire for revenge on the part of the person who was treated unjustly might have vanished. By concentrating solely on results, we cannot confuse forgiveness with retaliation. Finally, consider how fleeting the “feel good” feeling of vengeance may be. Merely providing a brief solace from resentment, revenge does not usually result in long-term emotional healing.
Although I want to forgive, I’ll be honest—I’m afraid. Why I am so afraid to forgive is beyond me. Could you give me some advice?
You may be afraid because you believe that extending forgiveness would mean giving in to the other person’s demands and unfair treatment. Offering goodwill from a position of strength while opposing injustice, bearing the hurt of what transpired, and lending support to the other person in the hopes that this person may change is what it means to forgive.
You may be afraid because you have never forgiven someone before, thus you are afraid of the change itself because you don’t know how it works. It is comparable to starting a new career or relocating to a new apartment. When we don’t know something, it can scare us. You will be able to recognize forgiveness’s life-giving qualities and lessen the fear associated with embarking on this new journey if you make an effort to practice it.
