Author Archive: directorifi
I have begun the forgiveness process, but I have not begun to develop any positive feelings toward the person. When might this emerge or is it possible that it never will in my case? I have been trying to forgive for about a month now.
The process of forgiving can take time, especially if someone has deeply hurt you. So, you will need patience as you forgive. As an analogy, suppose you want to start a physical fitness program. Would you expect great results in four weeks, or would you need more time if you have a high fitness goal? For now, try to see the actual progress you have made. For example, has some of your anger lessened toward the person? If so, see this as improvement so that you are encouraged to stay on the forgiveness path. Positive feelings for the person may emerge later.
What advice would you give in this case? An employer has caused great harm to my friend. However, the friend won’t talk to me about it. Stated differently, he is not confiding in anyone with his feelings and thoughts around this. How am I able to help?
At this point, your greatest option is to love your friend without conditions. He can’t talk because his internal wounds are too fresh. Even if he stays silent, your showing him that you are there for him could boost his confidence. He will speak with you when he is ready. So, please allow time for this to develop in your friend.
When I do a Google search for the psychology of forgiveness, often I see the definition of forgiving as the giving up of anger. What is your opinion of this definition?
I think it Is too narrow. A person can give up anger because the other who offended is seen as incorrigible and incapable of change. Such a harsh judgement might lower anger, but it is not in the spirit of forgiving because the other is being judged quite negatively. Also, as people forgive, they do not just reduce a negative emotion (such as anger) but also increase, toward the one who acted unjustly, in more positive thoughts, feelings, and even behaviors if the other is not a continuing danger.
In my forgiving my ex-partner, if I give him a physical gift of some kind, might he mistake this as a sign that I want to reconcile? I actually do not want to reconcile, but your Process Model of Forgiveness suggests giving a gift, which kind of scares me.
You can give an indirect gift to your ex-partner, such as a kind word about him to others. You could consider donating a little money to a charity on his behalf and not inform him of this. In other words, you can give a gift that is not physical (in the case of a kind word to others) and not given directly to him.
A friend of mine was having trouble with his partner. I recommended forgiveness. He came back to me about a week later and said he now has forgiven her. He said that he now has a “non-feeling” toward her and never wants to see her again. How can I encourage him to deepen his view of forgiving and be more compassionate?
Non-feeling is better than rage or hatred, but as you are implying in your question, it is not going very far in terms of forgiving. Compassion takes time to emerge and cannot be quickly changed at will. If he can willingly practice seeing his partner as a true human being with inherent worth, and this stays with him, then compassion may slowly emerge. Even if compassion emerges, he still may not want to reconcile if he mistrusts her in important ways.
