Author Archive: directorifi
When you commit to forgiving others, does it also include a commitment to be gentle with oneself at the same time?
Yes, as you forgive others, you offer to yourself what you offer to them. Are you offering patience to others? Then be patient with yourself. Are you trying to be compassionate toward others, then be compassionate toward yourself as a wounded person in need of some time and nurturance to heal emotionally.
Love and Forgiveness Prevail in the Face of Hatred
The Post and Courier, Charleston, S.C. – More than 30 witnesses, all relatives of the nine people Dylann Roof shot down in the Emanuel AME Church during a Bible study in June 2015, registered to speak during the sentencing portion of his trial. Before the Judge ultimately sentenced Roof to death, the witnesses spoke directly to the self-avowed white supremacist for the first time.
Alana Simmons, granddaughter of shooting victim Rev. Daniel Simmons, Sr., reminded Roof of her message at his bail hearing that “hate won’t win.” She told him those words held true. Though he hoped to drive people apart, he instead brought people closer together, she said. He had failed in his mission to sow division through his twisted and bloody plan. “Instead of starting a race war, you started a love war,” said Melvin Graham, who lost his sister Cynthia Graham Hurd in the shooting.
“I forgive you for you actions. You are just a body being used. You didn’t understand the presence of the evil that possesses you,” added Daniel Simmons, Jr., son of Rev. Simmons. “But thank God that he gives us the opportunity for forgiveness. Forgiveness is the heartbeat that pulls us to another level.”
“Yes, I forgive you,” said another witness Felicia Sanders who lost her son Tywanza and her aunt Susie Jackson in the shooting. “That was the easiest thing I had to do. … But you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. May God have mercy on your soul.”
“You can’t have my joy,” said Bethane Middleton-Brown, whose sister died in the shooting. “It is simply not yours to take.”
“I forgive you, my family forgives you,” added Anthony Thompson, a relative of victim Myra Thompson. “But take this opportunity to repent. Repent. Confess.”
“Your choices brought us here, but our choice–to respond with love–has kept us here,” Alana Simmons said. “We are all moving on in love and moving on in strength and nothing you can ever do will ever be able to stop that.”
Read more about the South Carolina shooting and forgiveness for the shooter:
- Hatred Will Not Reign – The Post and Courier, Charleston, S.C., winner of the Pulitzer Prize
- They may not forgive Dylann Roof, but they don’t want him dead – CNN, U.S. Edition
- Links to more stories – This link will take you to a page that has summaries and hot links to 11 more stories.
- Previous posts on this website about the shootings – Charleston Church Victims’ Families Respond With Forgiveness and
I think I have forgiven a family member and then when the situation is mentioned again, I find that I get angry. Have I not forgiven?
It depends on your level of anger when the situation is mentioned again. Do you get very angry? On a 1 to 10 scale, are you up near the 9 and 10 range, or is the anger more manageable, say, in the 3 or 4 range? It is common to have some anger left over when we have forgiven, but that anger no longer controls us. So, if you are in control of the anger and its intensity is not high, then yes, I do think that you have forgiven.
I have forgiven someone who is not interested in reconciliation. I am interested in reconciling. It is ok for me to continue to give the gift of forgiveness in the hope of an eventual reconciliation?
Yes, you can offer overtures of forgiving from a distance, but please be careful that you do not use forgiving as a manipulation of the other’s feelings. When you forgive, try to make the motivation the other’s well-being. Try to forgive for the other and not for what you can get out of this. Respect the other’s decisions for now. In other words, as you forgive, you have the other’s best interest at heart and if he or she does not want to reconcile right now, part of your task is to accept this. Be open to the possibility of a reconciliation, but try also not to push too hard at that reconciliation.
What are the dangers to the one who forgives too quickly?
If a person forgives too quickly, this usually means that the person is not ready to forgive. Thus, the person still may be:
- too traumatized to forgive right now. We need time to settle down before forgiving,
- misunderstand that forgiveness is a process and allow the self time to forgive and to heal,
- denying his or her anger and therefore not allowing oneself time to be angry,
- confusing forgiving and reconciling, thinking that one must go back into an unhealthy relationship right away
- not respecting the self as someone who deserves fairness,
- giving the other the wrong message that the forgiver will accept any and all injustices.
Taking the time to forgive can correct many or even all of the complications discussed above.
