Author Archive: directorifi
Is it ok for me to get angry with God when I am disappointed with my life? Is it ok to forgive God? I am a Christian.
Although the late Lewis Smedes, in his book, Forgive and Forget, said that it is all right to forgive God because God is mightier than our anger, I disagree with my highly respected colleague on this point. As a Christian, you see God as all holy and pure, beyond injustice. If you start to forgive God, then you are saying that there is imperfection there, or worse, even injustice. An all-holy God cannot be unjust and so to forgive is to diminish the attributes of God.
Anger can be natural, but at what are you angry? Are you angry at circumstances in this imperfect world? Are you angry at how people in the world have treated you? I urge you to try to work on acceptance of what is happening to you and to forgive persons who are unjust. You could go to God and ask for help in bearing your pain as you walk through this time of challenge. Please keep in mind that as you walk this path of pain now, you could be strengthened in the near future.
Do you think that pride can get in the way of forgiving? If so, what might be some examples of pride stopping forgiveness?
Pride is that false sense of being better, in a general and superior way, than others. Pride in the case of forgiving may take at least two forms. In the first, a person exercising pride might conclude that the other must, without exception, apologize before the process of forgiving begins. In other words, the pride dictates that the other must pay a price first.
Of course, we are not talking here about certain religions that ask the adherents of that faith first to receive an apology prior to forgiving. A religious ritual and pride are not the same.
A second example of pride getting in the way of forgiving is that sense that “I am invulnerable; no one can deeply hurt me.” Such an attitude might prevent a person from humbly acknowledging that he or she truly has been hurt by another. When hurt is not acknowledged, then the person might conclude that there is nothing to forgive.
Can I forgive without having empathy toward the one who hurt me? In other words, is sympathy enough?
Let us first define our terms. Empathy involves stepping inside the other’s shoes and understanding the world from his or her viewpoint. To sympathize with another is to see his or her distress and to react to that (without necessarily feeling that person’s feelings, as occurs with empathy). Yes, I do think that people can forgive by looking toward the other and seeing his or her woundedness without then going the extra step of entering into that person’s world through empathy. Sometimes, the thought of empathizing with a hurtful other is too frightening for the forgiver to try to accomplish. At such times, insight about how others have treated the person and his or her difficulty in dealing with this treatment can be sufficient to move forgiveness along.
Is it fair to say that the longer people harbor anger, then the longer they are allowing pain and unhappiness and a sense of hopelessness to rule their lives?
Yes, I think it is fair to say that. At the same time, we have to be careful not to condemn those who are wounded by the unfair treatment of others. Sometimes, very angry people never have been shown the door of forgiveness that could set them free from the hopelessness you mention. Let us do our part to lessen a person’s experience with this kind of anger.
……….But…..Forgiveness Adds an Extra Burden to the Abused Person
“Forgiveness is fundamentally unfair. Here we have a deeply abused person and now we ask her, in her woundedness, to reach out to one who hurt her. She now has two burdens, the original abuse and having to forgive. Please, let us first help her with the wounds from the abuse and put forgiveness on the shelf for her sake!”
So goes the most pervasive criticism of what forgiveness is and what it supposedly does in 2016. This criticism is likely to change over time and a new one emerge because, well, that is the way it is with forgiveness. There always seems to be one major criticism that is in season and acts as a barrier to forgiveness.
Thirty years ago, that in-season criticism was the equating of forgiving and reconciling. Once the logic was worked out that forgiving cannot be the same as reconciling, that one faded. After all, forgiveness is a virtue (as is justice and kindness and patience); reconciliation is not a virtue, but instead is a negotiation strategy of two or more people coming together once again in mutual trust. One can forgive and not reconcile. Thus, they differ.
Let us now turn to the current in-season criticism of forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness is a burden if:
………we pressure someone into forgiving;
………we tell the person that the only motivation for forgiving is to be good—-very good—-to the person who was not good to the one who might forgive;
………we critically judge the would-be forgiver for not forgiving.
Yet, we can unburden the forgiver, as well as forgiveness itself, when we realize that:
………forgiveness is the forgiver’s choice. It is not our place to pressure someone to forgive (or not to forgive). Give the person freedom to make the decision;
………there are many motivations to forgive. One healthy motivation that often exists early in the process is the desire to be free from emotional pain. The forgiver is motivated to become emotionally whole. The forgiver, at this stage of the process, is not so interested in doing wonderful things for the one who was not wonderful. These are very different motivations and need to be distinguished, especially early in the process;
………it is wrong to condemn a struggling person who is ambivalent about forgiveness. Maybe the person needs more time; maybe the person needs more information about what forgiveness is (and not the colloquial misunderstandings that cloud the understanding). Again, it is the choice of the one who was abused.
When we unburden the abused person by clarifying these issues, then it is clear that we are not placing a new burden on the person by discussing forgiveness. Notice that I did not say “suggesting forgiveness.” Let us discuss and then let the person decide.
So, what will be the new criticism of forgiveness that could block, without justification, a person from exploring forgiveness?
Robert
