Author Archive: directorifi
The Culture of Playing Pretend
While watching a college football game yesterday, I began to focus on the commercials. One showed a confident, strutting person, who seemed to have it “all together,” climb into a car, pet the steering wheel as if some kind of spiritual height had been reached, and the message was delivered to the viewer: If you want to be “all together,” if you want to reach the spiritual heights, you must—-must, with no exceptions—desire this car, covet this car, go into debt to buy this car. This car is your life!
Then there was a video of some kind of bun with melted cheese and bacon on it. The cheese was bubbly, the bacon sizzling and crisp. The video was in slow motion as camera panned ever closer to the heavenly bun. You must—-must—-desire this confection, covet it, go into dietary debt to buy it. This bun is your life!
And we almost insist that the sellers make such commercials before we buy. Go ahead, trick me first and then I will buy. Create the fantasy. I live for fantasy. Fantasy is my life!
And so it goes. I began to wonder. Have we created a world of fantasy, not only in books or films but also in our-everyday-life-as-a-lived-fantasy? Go ahead, trick me. And so, do we do this with regard to the injustices of life now? Do we deny serious wrongdoing as we go about filling our pain with the bun or even, on rare occasion, with the new car? I am not all that hurt…..no, really……pass the buns.
Do we also engage in the opposite of this? Do some create false injustices and play the role of victim to garner sympathy………and power? After all, if in the world of fantasy, I can falsely accuse you of harming me and you falsely believe it, then I am controlling your behavior. I win……at least temporarily in the world of fantasy.
Such fantastic fantasy, I think, keeps us from forgiving. On the one hand, as we deny that we are in pain, then there is no one to forgive. As we deny that others are manipulating us by playing the victim card and controlling our behavior, then there is no injustice to stand against, to correct, to courageously confront with the truth. There is no one to forgive.
Oh well, this is all too strenuous for me anyway. Perhaps I am wrong. If you have the time, would you please pass that bubbling bun?
Robert
I have gone through the forgiveness process now a few times with the one who has hurt me and I still have anger left over. It is not as intense as before, but there is anger left over. I am worried that I am not really forgiving. Can you help me with some insights here?
We often find that as people forgive there is anger left over. As you point out, that anger is diminished; it does not control you. Please keep in mind that having some residual anger is normal and so you can have confidence that you, indeed, are forgiving when you are wishing the other person well and you can do so with much less anger than before.
Standing Up for Justice
Some have said that forgiveness can make a person weak, reduce the resolve to fight for what is right. Yet, it seems to me that the opposite is true. We become better at discerning what is right and wrong in our world when we forgive because forgiveness occurs precisely in that time in which we have been wronged and now we are injured. The more that we struggle with our injuries from injustice, then the better we understand what injustice is, which can strengthen our insights into justice itself.
As we then understand the serious consequences of injustice, this may strengthen our resolve to fight for justice in a challenging world. After all, as we see the injuries that the self and others can suffer from others’ wrongdoing, then we may be motivated to lessen those injuries by trying to lessen the injustices. We then become fighters for justice.
The mistake is when we think in “either-or” terms: Either we forgive or we seek justice, but we must not do both. This is faulty reasoning. What other virtues must occur strictly in isolation from the other virtues? If I am patient, must I refrain from kindness? If I am courageous, must I throw wisdom out the window? No. The virtues are meant to complement one another: Forgiveness and justice; forgiveness and courage; forgiveness and the wisdom to know when to start forgiving. Together, these virtues help us to avoid extremes such as forgiving and then putting up with nonsense and doing so repeatedly.
Forgive and stand up for justice.
Robert
I am in the process of forgiving someone. I do not think that I am suppressing, displacing, or denying my anger. I have uncovered that anger and I have a lot of it. I am not a fan of journaling and so that is not effective for me in reducing the anger. How do I now start to diminish this anger that is so uncomfortable for me?
It seems that you are ready to enter the forgiveness process which itself can help you reduce anger. A first step often is this: Are you ready to commit to doing no harm to the one who has hurt you? Notice that I am not asking for something positive here, such as compassion or kindness or love. I am asking if you are ready to refrain from something negative—-not doing harm to the other by, for example, speaking disrespectfully about him or her to others. Committing to doing no harm may be the beginning of anger reduction for you. As you go more deeply into the forgiveness process, the anger can diminish more.
What is a good way of achieving balance when teaching children about forgiveness so that they are not taken advantage of in the future?
A key here is to include discussions of the virtue of justice along with the virtue of forgiveness. When a child forgives, he or she needs to be aware of fairness and if the other is not acting fairly, then the one who forgives needs to seek help from an adult authority to help solve the issue of injustice coming from the other child.
