Author Archive: directorifi
More on Why We Need Forgiveness Education
On the Psychology Today website, I recently posted an essay entitled, Why We Need Forgiveness Education. One person’s comment on this piece does seem to suggest that, indeed, we need forgiveness education starting at a young age. The commentator’s point is that forgiveness is costly, perhaps too costly for some. Forgiveness becomes so costly when a person now senses the obligation, upon forgiving, to stay in a relationship that is highly abusive.
The assumption that a forgiver, because of forgiveness, now must stay in the deeply hurtful relationship is not correct. Forgiveness does not obligate a person to remain in a hurtful relationship. The assumption equates forgiving and reconciling and they are quite different. Reconciliation is based on trust as two or more people come together again. One can forgive from a distance without reconciling, if the other may do harm and is not trustworthy based on past and current behavior.
If we all had forgiveness education from childhood through adolescence and then applied the learning in adulthood, the assumption that equates forgiving and reconciling would not come up. The lesson would have been learned in school……a long time ago. Yet, current educational practices rarely make room for forgiveness education.
It seems to me that much of the misery in our own hearts could be eliminated if we took the time to learn the lessons of forgiving. Such lessons would question those assumptions which keep us from forgiving because we falsely see danger in the act of forgiveness when that danger actually does not exist.
We need forgiveness education for our little ones…………now.
Robert
If I commit to do no harm to the other person who hurt me, but if I deliberately harbor anger inside, thus probably hurting myself, is this true forgiveness?
It is not a completed forgiveness, but you likely are in the process of forgiving. You need to realize that as you forgive, you may have some anger left over. Even if you deliberately are harboring anger, and if you have decided to do no harm, then you are in an early phase of forgiving, probably the Decision Phase.
Can you have the intent to do no harm toward another and yet still be very angry with that person?
Yes, a commitment to do no harm is an act of the will. Anger is an emotion. We can control the will (what we decide to think and what we will do behaviorally) more than we can control our emotions. Thus, as we conform our will to do no harm, we still might be angry.
What does it mean to “do no harm” to another?
This has a very wide meaning. In its deepest meaning, “do no harm” means to make a commitment (and to follow through on this) not to seek actual revenge. There is a commitment to avoid physical harm. On a lighter level, it can mean deliberately deciding not to talk negatively toward or about the one who hurt you.
When you commit to forgiving others, does it also include a commitment to be gentle with oneself at the same time?
Yes, as you forgive others, you offer to yourself what you offer to them. Are you offering patience to others? Then be patient with yourself. Are you trying to be compassionate toward others, then be compassionate toward yourself as a wounded person in need of some time and nurturance to heal emotionally.
