Author Archive: directorifi

Question: I am wondering about the following situation. A person has tried to commit suicide because he or she was so despondent from another’s actions. The one who attempted suicide did nothing wrong. Will forgiveness (by the one who attempted) take a while to heal these deep wounds?

March 1, 2017 directorifi No comments

The deeper the emotional wound, then the longer the forgiveness process seems to be. In a case like this, yes, it could take many months for the one who forgives to experience emotional relief and to conclude that he or she has forgiven. Please keep in mind that the one who forgives does not have to become a perfect forgiver to experience emotional relief.

A Specific Forgiveness Exercise for Couples

March 1, 2017 directorifi No comments

Those of you who have the absolute perfect spouse, please raise you hand……anyone?

Now, those of you who are the absolute perfect spouse, please raise your hand…..I see no hands up.

OK, so we have established that we are not perfect and neither is our partner. Yet, we can always improve. Note carefully that I am not suggesting that you read this to improve your partner. I write it to improve you, the reader.

Here is a little exercise that I recommend for any couple. Together, talk out the hurts that you received in your family of origin, where you grew up. Let the other know of your emotional wounds. This exercise is not meant to cast blame on anyone in your family of origin. Instead, the exercise is meant for each of you to deepen your insight into who your partner is. Knowing his wounds is one more dimension of knowing him as a person. As you each identify the wounds from your past, try to see what you, personally, are bringing into the relationship from that past. Try to see what your partner is bringing from the past to your relationship.

Now, together, work on forgiving those from your family of origin who have wounded you. Support one another in the striving to grow in the virtue of forgiveness. The goal is to wipe the resentment-slate clean so that you are not bringing those particular wounds to the breakfast table (and lunch table and dinner table) every day.

Then, when you are finished forgiving those family members from the past, work on forgiving your partner for those wounds brought into your relationship, and at the same time, seek forgiveness from him or her for the woundedness you bring to your relationship. Then, see if the relationship improves. All of this is covered in greater depth in my book, The Forgiving Life.

Robert

How would you adjust your forgiveness process for adults when working with children?

February 25, 2017 directorifi No comments

We do not expect young children (ages 6-10) to go through a process similar to adults. Instead, we start with picture books and other children’s stories so that the child begins to understand what forgiveness is in the calm and protection of the story rather than confronting directly injustice in their lives. As the children begin to understand what inherent (built-in) worth is, along with an understanding of kindness, respect, generosity, and love, then they have a foundation for understanding what forgiveness is. They then may be in a position of gently trying to forgive those who have been unfair to them for small things (a disagreement with a sibling, for example).

Helpful Forgiveness Hint

February 22, 2017 directorifi No comments

We sometimes think that those who hurt us have far more control over us than they actually do. We often measure our happiness or unhappiness by what has happened in the past.

My challenges to you today are these: Your response of forgiveness now to the one who hurt you can set you free from a past influence that has been toxic. Try to measure your happiness by what you will do next (not by what is past). Your next move can be this–to love regardless of what others do to you.

Robert

Dr. Enright’s Blog Post on Psychology Today Raised to “Essential Topic” Status

February 21, 2017 directorifi No comments

Editor’s Note: Just a few weeks ago (Dec. 21, 2016), we announced on this website that Dr. Robert Enright, founder of the IFI, had been selected by two of the nation’s premier blog sites (Psychology Today and Thrive Global) to add his forgiveness expertise as a regular contributor.

In January, Psychology Today’s editorial staff promoted Dr. Enright’s blog “Why We Need Forgiveness Education” to “Essential Topic” status meaning that it receives prominent placement on their website along with being featured on the first page of blog topics like“Education” and “Therapy.”

This week, another of Dr. Enright’s essays was selected as essential reading by Psychology Today. Here is the link to that blog: “Forgiveness: 3 Misconceptions.”